It’s frustrating to me when I seem to be doing fine one day and then out of the blue my mood takes a nose dive. I am left with no energy and no motivation to accomplish all that I need to do and all that I want to do in that day. Monday for example was a seemingly perfect day. Wendsday however was a really low day. But I have been there before and I will be there again.
I know now through experiance to just enjoy the good day and never mind what happens the next day. I just want to enjoy each good day! I cannot spend my time waiting for the next time that my mood drops because I might not notice or realize the good days and what I can achieve. There are times that my day is so productive that I almost feel that I won’t ever have a bad one again. Because when you are in a certain mood its hard to see the opposite mood. Well that’s how it seems to me. Even the down days feel like they will never end and tomorrow will be the same. The best thing for me is to remember that life is ever-changing and I want to cherish my good days and though I may have a bad day, I just seek out the best things of that day and keep living for everyday. I want to see the beauty in everyday. Sometimes I say to myself, why can’t I be like everyone else but perhaps having such dramatic mood shifts is a gift in a strange way. They help me see just how precious life really is and how grateful I am to be alive.
Without the rain there would be no flowers.
Its finding the jem among the stones and treasuring it.
Walls do talk, though you might not think.
They can tell you things that people just can’t see.
They speak volumes of history within.
Large or small.
Even walls on places you can only crawl.
Stories of joy and loss.
Stories of horror that defy decent laws.
Some scream to tell of great sins.
on the ceiling and the floors,
and all the places within.
The secrecy of hearts-imprinted in this space.
Telling stories hidden from the face.
The cover of this place attempts to hide what the walls can say.
But history is captured by those who dare to listen.
If the walls did talk what would they say to us? If the sky cried are they raindrops or are they tears that cascade down and sore through the atmosphere, revealing centuries old pain. And would it validate the millions that suffer at the hands of others. If all survivors of such atrocities were to shout up to the heavens, would it even make a sound.
We simply can not shout because there is a blanket of darkness that keeps our secrets in. These secretes become trapped in our hearts and in our minds to work out at some safe future time.
There were many serious injury’s that have happened in my childhood and still are with me today. I know how precious childhood is because of things that I went without like nurturing and affection. I went without enough emotional care or connection from my mom. I did receive some affection from my father as an infant. But that was to change and turn into terror at his designated time.
We have no idea what genes we will get at the moment of our conception. We can not choose our genes and we cannot choose our parents. We are at the mercy of there inherited parenting skills. These skills that they were taught, trickled down to future generations.
We need to do all that is in our power to make a change.
A simple life lesson is, the stove is on and it can burn my hand if I touch it. I don’t have to test it because I can feel the heat.
Today in therapy my anxiety was not as bad as the last two times. Even sitting in the waiting room sipping my Dunkin Donuts ice coffee, I was fairly calm. I always stress a little bit before therapy. I never know what we will discuss until it happens. Stressing ahead of time does not serve me well. I am learning to actually use a lot of the skills that I have been taught over the years to cope with emotions and traumatic memories. I know that at anytime we could hit a trigger. It scares me every time it happens. But I won’t run away from it. I have been doing that all my life and it never helps. It only sets me back more. My therapist said I was brave today.
I talked about a current situation that scared me and through the EMDR session I made a connection to the past. My son-in-law, “I love him to death” but he scares me sometimes with is strong and powerful voice. While on vacation with them, my son-in-law yelled at my daughter to make his point. It set up in me the fight or flight reaction. We talked in therapy about some of what happened to me when my son-in-law and daughter were fighting. Its not what they were saying that scared me. They both had valid points to what they were saying to each other. But it was not words but anger that caused that fight or flight fear from the past. Perhaps I react that way to loud voices and angry voices because when I was still very little I was afraid of my father and his fits. When his voice would get loud and he started throwing things us kids ran to hide. That’s my past connection to how I react today when I hear anger or shouting or even just loud noises. I get startled easy. Now I know more about why I do that.
I learned two important things from my session today. One, I made that connection from the present to the past. I am starting to understand EMDR better than I ever have and have even more confidence that this kind of therapy will work for me. Number two, I learned that I could tolerate feeling difficult emotions and anxiety and still sit there and work on it. I guess I was kinda proud of myself today.
Here I am, waiting for the insurance guy to come and give an estimate on my car. Yes, there was another accident. I was in the right lane and the other person was in the left. He tried to turn into my lane, cutting me off. We did not hit thankfully. There were a lot of cars around that could have been involved. Instead I turned away to try to avoid an accident. I succeeded in avoiding cars, including his but I lost control of the vehicle and took down a mail box of a candy store. I guess that I won’t go to that candy store anymore. There is very little damage but I want it fixed because it is a fairly new car. So I am waiting for him to arrive at precisely 8:00.
I chose to get my housework done early and go out after to plant some sunflowers. Oh, I think he’s here. He is going to check the car and write me a check, “no pun intended”.
Its been awhile since I have written on this blog. I was going through a difficult transition in my life and did not feel up to much of anything. I am better now.
Everything is going well, so far, with my new therapist. I’ve made a decision to write about my sessions in hopes that it will not only help me to express myself but also to validate and encourage others. It’s a big step, going to therapy. The brave and courageous are usually the ones that seem to choose therapy. If a person chooses therapy, that is not some defect in them. It’s not a bad thing to have to do. I am grateful for therapy. The therapist actually listens to me and validates what I am going through now and what I went through in the past. I didn’t have that in my childhood. Children suffer in silence because of fear. A person suffers in their adult life as the aftermath of that trauma. There is help available. Sad to say, there are a lot of other people out there who either do not have the therapy option or don’t know that they do. So many people suffer in silence their whole life. Other people think they can get through trauma on their own and judge others for going but their adult life is a mess. Not everyone has the courage to go to therapy. I commend all that do. It is not a weakness to go to therapy. Its a strength!
back to me.
For you can see,
what use to be.
Come and play.
when we thought,
that we would never grow?
Remember when we tried to change.
To be someone else,
just for a day?
Remember when we captured fireflies,
to light our room up bright?
There was no fear there,
for just one night.
Remember how we dreamed,
as butterflies in flight?
The lightness of the air,
reaching way up there,
where the clouds come from,
in there billowing blue and pink.
We stay for a while to feel relief.
Oh but just while,
and then to sleep.
We prayed for just
one more dream.
But fear not,
all is needed to be in this state of remembrance,
is to think deeply,
and never forget to play.
I have not written on this blog for far too long. It should not be that way. Even if I am having a difficult time, I should still write. This is my way of helping others.
I get discouraged a lot by the fact that I don’t function very well in a job or socially out there in the big old wide world. It is very intimating to me. Why is it that a part of me feels as though if I wanted to, I could do anything that I set my mind to? Why also, do I feel that I do not have the strength or courage to carry out finding a job suited for me and keeping it. What am I so afraid of. I know that there are legitimate reasons to why I am on disability. I feel that for me it’s not a good enough excuse.
I do understand however that, my thoughts to do something meaningful and the courage to carry them out are two completely different opposing thoughts. It’s hard living with these battles in my head. Sometimes I fear leaving the house to go anywhere. I do think that this fear has built up over time, but it has not always been this way. When did I get to this point where I fear to connect with the world. Sometimes I feel that way with family too. I hate that. I love my family very much. Especially my girls and my grandchildren. It’s not fair that I have these fears. I am not sure that I can blame them on my past though. We all have choices. Is it, that I just got into the habit of not going out and the habit of avoiding circumstances or events that just seem to be intimidating for me.
I could blame it on being highly sensitive and I could blame it on being an INFJ personality type or I can blame it on my past and what happened to me. But that is just all too simple a way out. Why can’t I challenge myself a little? Then there is the fear that comes from challenging myself even just a little. How did I get to becoming a hermit?
I am hard on myself. I know I would not think this way toward others in my situation so why can’t I let myself off the hook. I have legitimate reasons why things are so hard for me. Why can’t that be enough for now?
I’m keeping my options open and the possibilities are endless!
I still wonder how she is doing. I hope that after the good and final closure session that we had, that time will heal us both. Therapist are human. I could never hold one incident where she was over the top with her treatment of me and what had occurred, stop me from having respect for all the positive ways that she was with me over these few short years. It’s definitely a marked time in my life. I always use to tell my daughters when they were growing up that there would be marked times in their life and these marked times can be very positive like when you graduated from eighth grade but I also talked about marked times that might not necessarily be positive and in fact they can have a negative impact on you as well, like when Grandma died. But just like you look upon your graduation as another big step in your life, even the negative marked times can be a learning experience and time for real growth. So I am doing my best to look at this whole thing from a positive perspective.