I was driving to therapy and noticing the clouds in the sky, I saw a very odd one. It was a very very dark color. It almost looked like it was smoke from something burning. As I continued on my way I saw more clouds like that. Just what has been going on in our skies? Gone are the days when I was little and the skies where this brilliant shade of blue. It was cheerful to look up in the morning an notice how the beautiful sun played off the clouds to give such a sight. But now I look up to the sky and view the strangest cloud formations. They don’t look natural. It’s not just that. There are strange things going on all over the world on a unprecedented scale. I am not one to fall for conspiracy theories. But I have to admit they can be convincing at times based on facts that we have already experience. Like the homeless disappearing or being put in fema camps. I am not going to get into all that I know about some of this stuff but you have to admit that the world is changing. I am sure there are hidden things that the government does not want us to know. The weather has been devastating to so many people around the world. Earthquakes, mudslides, holes opening in the ground and swallowing up half a town. Hurricanes have increased in their devastation. No one knows just what is going to happen next. Oh and lets not forget the trigger happy guy in North Korea.
Yes this was the kind of day that I had. I was stressing about my own personal issues and then I brought the whole world into it. Because I care.
I guess the best that we can do for now is wake up in the morning and pray to God to thank him for another beautiful day despite it all. The world is in such a mess but God will soon step in and stop the suffering. That’s something important to hold onto.
I have been through so many psychiatrists and therapists over the years. We are talking decades here. Some good and some not so good and some excellent. I just lost a really good psychiatrist. They told me a new one was coming to take her place and so I waited. They told me that it would be about a month for him to get settled in and to call at the end of the month to schedule an appointment. Well a month went by and he still was not there. Finally I get the news that he is not coming at all. I heard he was really nice too. I played around with the idea of going to a doctor that I had in the hospital in the past and looked him up. He is super nice. He is now in private practice. I changed my mind and I decided to use one of the other doctors in the same office as my former doctor. I know him very well. I don’t really care for the way he does things or his manner but I figured that I only see him once a month so it’s not going to kill me to stay with him. Well, I had my first appointment with him and he started seeming very friendly and joking a little and making good eye contact, which seems to be a problem for him, then he swiveled his chair around to look at his computer screen as I was talking. So I figured I would wait until he turned around. He wondered why I stopped talking and said, “go ahead say what you were going to say”, but he did not turn around. I did not at all means for this to come out the way that it did but I said without thinking, “I am not going to talk to the back of your bald head”. I know that was rude of me right? I should ask you the reader who was really the rude one. I should have left the bald part out, that was rude of me! It just slipped out, you know like when you usually think something inside your head but it comes out spontaneously and you didn’t really mean for it too.
I will wait it out and give him some time but if I am not happy there than I will have to find another. It is so hard on me and I know it is hard on many others as well, when you get use to someone and they retire or move and you have to change your therapist or doctor. Oh well that’s life!
P.S. I still have my wonderful therapist! I am not giving her up without a fight!
What do I do with that space. Its white and its there but I think it has been erased. What was it for, this space? I will give it sometime to let me know why it is there and what to do with it. Its clean and its bright! There are so many possibilities to use this space. Was it given to me or was it given to you? Perhaps we both have this white space. It’s so clean so if I use it I don’t want to make a mistake and have to erase this important space.
I know, it’s telling me to write and to keep writing because I can never, never, ever, run out of space.
As I reached for you,
with childish cries,
I felt a lift and hug and smile.
Comfort was there,
for just a while.
I laid my head upon your shoulders,
with complete trust.
I looked to you for,
love and care.
You answered back,
with attention shared.
Did pain reside in your heart,
but just remained disguised.
A character within your core,
kept hidden in your deepest part?
Was I born to this evil plan,
that was to inflict my life?
I knew not enough about the world.
But I believed it was safe.
Did you know of the monster,
that resided inside you?
Like a ticking clock,
the time would come,
that my whole world would change.
All the good you gave was erased,
by the strange look upon your face.
How fast trust can be shattered.
How fast love turned into pain.
You are my father,
but there is a monster inside you.
I no longer feel safe to reach my arms up for a lift,
or to rest my head upon safe shoulders.
I could no longer look to you
for love and care.
Because now you answer back,
with a heart that’s bare.
What did I do,
to reach that character within your core,
and tap that deepest part?
It was this evil part,
the one that stole you from me.
I could wish and wish for a brand new start,
but now I am shattered and empty,
and left with a broken heart.
She knew that she was different. But different could never be explained in words. She has often tried to tell others who just look at her in a confused or objectionable manner, like, “oh really”. Its hurtful. She searches for someone who understands but she is left lonely in her thoughts and strangely unique feelings. The thoughts can always be explained and judged by the listener. However, the listener can not sense or know or feel the same way. She has wondered all her life why she is this way. She has asked herself, “was I born this way and are there others like me who just want to be understood and treasured for this unique gift?”
It feels like shifting into a surreal state but there is perfect control over this odd but breathtaking environment. Entering it is not deliberate. It happens every so often that she is carried away into a feeling and that feeling has colors and sounds and thoughts. She is left in this moment in time for how ever long it takes to experience these things. She can call upon it at will but it is usually by accident. It could be a scent or a light breeze blowing through the window and caught in the lift of her white lace curtain on a beautiful sunny day. As it reaches her and is felt, the breeze begins to tell her a story. It may be a moment long. But it crosses ages of time. “How is it possible to feel that way”, she wonders. “If I told anyone one about this they would surely lock me up, but I am not crazy and I know that I am not alone in this experience.” She remains silent about it and she just enjoys this amazing burst of surrealism. It often feels euphoric in a way that can’t be put into words. She just enjoys it. After all, it doesn’t hurt anyone to have a wonderful secret.