I did some EMDR (EYE MOVEMENT DESENTISATION AND REPROSSESING) today in therapy and it went pretty well, I think. She said I did really good. Ok, I can’t remember her actual words. The outcome was good. That is the way that it should be.
I talked about my husband and our up-and-coming wedding anniversary celebration. I got the dinner under control. We are having lasagna for our special dinner. I got the champagne and ICE CREME CAKE which is the traditional dessert. Usually its a CARVEL ice cream cake. They are so good. Sorry that side thought caught me off guard and I just had to say it. You know how that happens right?
The only issue that came up was being intimate together that night of our anniversary. I seem to be constantly triggered by the very idea of intimacy. I always end up feeling really bad about myself for withholding my body. Yes, sex, there I said it. Often times we start out ok but I can easily get triggered by seeing my dads face aka flashback, over me instead of my husband. How awful is that? That’s what I fear happening each and every time we attempt sex. In therapy today I brought up all the feelings that I was holding onto about my husband and how unfair this all is to him. The poor guy just wants to have sex on our wedding anniversary. He has been an amazing husband all through the years together. I owe him so much! I know to some this may seem like an easy thing to be able to do. But if you talk to survivors of childhood sexual abuse you are going to get similar answers. It is very difficult to be in the middle of it and then get triggered and everything comes to a complete stop. How horrible is that for my husband to have to just stop. How rude. No seriously, he understands my difficulties and he accepts whatever happens when it happens.
He deserves more than that and I am going to do my very best to make our night special. I will keep trying. My husband hasn’t given up on us and I am not giving up either.
I kid you not. I didn’t sleep a wink. My husband got up a few times during the night and kept asking,” why are you still up?” My answer to him was, “I could not sleep and I thought I would disturb your precious sleep so I chose to go out into the living room and find something that might make me sleepy”.
I watched YouTube videos on reborn unboxing. They were really sweet. I have three reborn’s and I would like to purchase my very first silicone reborn soon. I enjoy watching the videos. They take me back to when my girls were little and dressed in all that pink and frills. I loved it. So now I have the reborn’s. I can buy real baby clothes and baby things and change and dress them all. I know it sounds silly but it’s really very therapeutic for me and others.
Well anyways, here I am Tuesday morning and just hours away from my therapy session and I have had no sleep. I’ve done it before and I can do it again. After therapy I will go home and take a nice long nap. Then I will be good to go for hours and hours after my recharge.
I tried…I really tried to go to sleep in hopes of calming my anxiety and calming my fears. It did not work so well. I tossed and I turned and turned again to the point of waking my sleeping husband. That’s not right. He gets up really early in the morning. He drives through difficult traffic on his way to work. He thought that this was an opportunity for him to take his chances on sex. Nope……….not happening either. I find it really hard to concentrate on my husband and sometimes I see my fathers face. That is very scary. But I feel selfish. It’s not fair to him. Our anniversary is coming up at the end of June. I want it to be special and of course sex is always a part of our celebration. That connection, for lack of a better term, is precious and has kept us happy for 38 years. I know my struggle will eventually end but its hard when I feel so deep into the trauma. I want the other side like it was yesterday. I get angry at myself for not working harder or faster or stronger or something. It’s frustrating to be patient and wait. My husband deserves the best that I can give him. I need the past to take a vacation for a while. I know it sounds silly but it’s entirely truthful.
So here I am back at my recliner and writing this post. It does feel good to write about how I am feeling. It gets it out of my head for a while.
I feel lost and heavy tonight.
This is where I wish to be at this very moment in time. The ocean has breath-taking sunsets to end the day in peace. Inner peace is what I want to feel on the inside and I want to feel the water hit my toes on the outside. How do I get inner peace and visualize a beach?
I have therapy tomorrow. Right now at this moment I wish I could push nightmares and flash backs away from my peaceful atmosphere. There is always a little anxiety before a session. It’s the, not knowing. I hate the not knowing, its scary. I seem to build up this anxiety from the night before. But can’t seem to understand why this is so stressful for me.
What can I do tonight to help the anxiety I will feel tomorrow? I am in a very comfortable recliner like the ones that you see at the movies. My cat, Max, as he is so affectionately called, is sitting below my feet. It seems to be his favorite spot at night when I am up late. He likes to be next to me. I am noticing the sound in the room. I am hearing the hum of the air-conditioner like white noise. I am willing myself to push away the anxiety. It works for a while but then I feel the heaviness in my gut. It’s telling me that I fear the conversation at therapy and the content of the session. I am not even there yet. My face has not even hit the pillow yet. No one knows where the conversation might lead. It might lead to a EMDR session. I don’t know.
I just keep telling myself that this is all part of the process of working through my traumatic past. I need to give myself a break and stop worrying so much. It will unfold as it should. There is a direction, although I don’t like going there, that will free me from the past and see through new eyes the beauty of the future.
To you unsung hero’s,
I know who you are.
For I live with the same fears.
I sing the same song..
You want someone to hear
You want someone to know.
But the ones in the light,
shadow over your show
It’s impossible to see.
It’s impossible to hear.
you long for your day in the light,
but know all to well,
that you continue in the night.
It’s not that no one hears.
It’s not that no one sees.
To the one who sees all,
You are the one so dear.
Lift your head high.
Reach out for your light
You unsung hero’s,
your song shines bright!