back to me.
For you can see,
what use to be.
Come and play.
when we thought,
that we would never grow?
Remember when we tried to change.
To be someone else,
just for a day?
Remember when we captured fireflies,
to light our room up bright?
There was no fear there,
for just one night.
Remember how we dreamed,
as butterflies in flight?
The lightness of the air,
reaching way up there,
where the clouds come from,
in there billowing blue and pink.
We stay for a while to feel relief.
Oh but just while,
and then to sleep.
We prayed for just
one more dream.
But fear not,
all is needed to be in this state of remembrance,
is to think deeply,
and never forget to play.
I have not written on this blog for far too long. It should not be that way. Even if I am having a difficult time, I should still write. This is my way of helping others.
I get discouraged a lot by the fact that I don’t function very well in a job or socially out there in the big old wide world. It is very intimating to me. Why is it that a part of me feels as though if I wanted to, I could do anything that I set my mind to? Why also, do I feel that I do not have the strength or courage to carry out finding a job suited for me and keeping it. What am I so afraid of. I know that there are legitimate reasons to why I am on disability. I feel that for me it’s not a good enough excuse.
I do understand however that, my thoughts to do something meaningful and the courage to carry them out are two completely different opposing thoughts. It’s hard living with these battles in my head. Sometimes I fear leaving the house to go anywhere. I do think that this fear has built up over time, but it has not always been this way. When did I get to this point where I fear to connect with the world. Sometimes I feel that way with family too. I hate that. I love my family very much. Especially my girls and my grandchildren. It’s not fair that I have these fears. I am not sure that I can blame them on my past though. We all have choices. Is it, that I just got into the habit of not going out and the habit of avoiding circumstances or events that just seem to be intimidating for me.
I could blame it on being highly sensitive and I could blame it on being an INFJ personality type or I can blame it on my past and what happened to me. But that is just all too simple a way out. Why can’t I challenge myself a little? Then there is the fear that comes from challenging myself even just a little. How did I get to becoming a hermit?
I am hard on myself. I know I would not think this way toward others in my situation so why can’t I let myself off the hook. I have legitimate reasons why things are so hard for me. Why can’t that be enough for now?
I’m keeping my options open and the possibilities are endless!
I still wonder how she is doing. I hope that after the good and final closure session that we had, that time will heal us both. Therapist are human. I could never hold one incident where she was over the top with her treatment of me and what had occurred, stop me from having respect for all the positive ways that she was with me over these few short years. It’s definitely a marked time in my life. I always use to tell my daughters when they were growing up that there would be marked times in their life and these marked times can be very positive like when you graduated from eighth grade but I also talked about marked times that might not necessarily be positive and in fact they can have a negative impact on you as well, like when Grandma died. But just like you look upon your graduation as another big step in your life, even the negative marked times can be a learning experience and time for real growth. So I am doing my best to look at this whole thing from a positive perspective.
I wanted and deserved a better closure. My doctor said, “how would it be if you called. Could you do that”? I thought about it for a while and then said she might not let me have a closure session. He said, “there are pros and cons to trying this. I know the cons are that she will say no or she will say yes and the session could be worse. The pros are that she might agree to have another session to have a more peaceful closure. That would be best for the both of us.
I was a little nervous about going back to my therapist for a better closure session. It started out feeling awkward to me. I don’t know how she felt. She put me back in that room again instead of her office. Well, I very calmly asked, “why this room”. I told her it felt like I was being punished or something. I thought maybe I no longer deserved to be in her office. I am very glad that I asked because she wanted to make sure that I was comfortable and not distracted by her reiki massage table and all that goes with that. I misunderstood why she put me in that room. See how easy it is to assume things about another’s intentions. I was glad that I asked her. She wanted to be kind and fair while understanding everyone has their own belief system. We have to be careful not to intrude on others beliefs or harshly put them down in saying that what they believe is not right. Wisdom and Discernment were required to make sure any further emotional damage would not result in making the matter worse. I think we were both sort-of walking on eggshells with each other. I could see that she wanted this misunderstanding resolved so that we both can get on with our lives and be sure that we left that room in a positive state. I think there was a little holding back on her part so as not to hurt me. I think I was doing the same. Because if we shared what we were holding back, it might result in another emotional disaster. I felt like I talked her into apologizing for her part. Like I put the words in her mouth. That wasn’t very fair to me. She should have been a big enough person to see what it must have been like for me the (patient) and realize how it all affected me. I already apologized too many times to count. I guess that I was really hoping that she would do this on her own without being reminded of how she reacted to the incident. But in the end, all was well. I had promised her a sketch and I worked on it all the night before that last appointment and it sort of morph into a painting of a sunflower with a sparkly happy face in the middle where the seeds are. I put golden glitter all over it which gave it a little more detail and depth. Yes, I am a perfectionist. I wanted it to be special for her. She loved it. Oh, just in case she did not like it, I gave her a sketch of one of my most favorite things, a Carousel Horse. She loved that too. I think it is important to understand that if we have a difficult conversation and we could get hurt again and then there is always the possibility of making what “DBT, ( Dialectical Behavioral Therapy), calls a repair (Marsha Linehan developed DBT.) They are taught as skills for difficult emotions. Really it can be used by everyone. I hope that when I chose to give her something to remember me by, it had a positive effect on her thereby making a “repair”. That made me very happy. We were smiling and laughing like it was before all this happened. She asks if she could give me a hug and of course I said yes. The hug felt like it made all that had happened seem already passed and forgiven. Yes, there were tears. I will always cherish the time spent with her and all the work that I was able to accomplish with the trauma and her guidance.
I don’t know or understand why I am letting all this with the therapist, tear me apart. I thought that I was stronger than that. One big thing that she always said was, “I want to empower you”. I don’t think that it worked. I feel so low and hold no real beneficial power. I always thought that it was better to stay humble like Jesus taught us. But I don’t deserve to feel this low.
Just what is it that she wanted out of that last conversation? She certainly did more than humiliate me. Is that what she wanted? Did she want to come away from this the champion? Well, I think she did. I sure don’t feel like a winner. I lost so much in this situation. I hope she is proud of herself. She took a normally quiet humble “Linda” and turned her into dust, that with a swift breeze is blown away forever.
I wonder how she is feeling today. Life goes on and there are patients who need attending too. Like a lost sheep, searching for her shepherd, I am more lost than ever.
I am finding it hard to do anything. I don’t enjoy anything at this point in time. I hope that I get better because I can’t live this way! I feel like a beat-up boat going nowhere.
I’m currently in this long and confusing process of figuring out who I am and what I want my life to be. I thought I had help with that until it was gone. I hate that feeling like I am missing something.
I do know that every test in our life makes us bitter or better, every problem comes to break us or make us. The choice is ours whether we become “victim or victor”. I am not sure where I am yet with regard to this.
She seems to like sunflowers because she had them out front of the house by the sign and her appointment cards had sunflowers on them. So these are for her if she decides to read my blog.
The last few days have been difficult for me. I have been trying to distract myself but the hurt keeps pushing its way into my head and heart. I am feeling really down from that whole therapist thing. I am trying to have the right attitude through it all but it is hard. I am trying not to be too hard on her and yet respect my own pain.
I really hope that she is Ok.
My husband said, “Honey, I can see that you are hurt, is there anything I can do about it”. I replied, “no not really because it should be left alone and “time heals all wounds”. I did see my Doctor Thursday and I think he said we need to have a plan. Safety first! That’s the most important thing. He talked about maybe getting a new therapist, which to me sounds scary right now. I don’t ever want to get hurt like I did with Rachel. I am not sure that I can take that risk. I will say that the therapist’s that I did have in a clinical setting were always ok, not perfect, but ok. Nothing happened to hurt me. I have had a lot of therapists over the years who were in private practice as well. I learned the difference. I just wish that I didn’t have to learn the difference by getting hurt. Out there in the world of private practice, they can take liberties and that in a clinical setting, there are stricter rules on what is allowed and acceptable. I think from now on I am going to stick to a clinical setting.
Rachel may not have meant to hurt me like she did, but I just wish she would apologize for her part in what happened. Just an apology out of respect and given the fact that I apologize over and over. I tried. Oh well, she might not ever talk to me again or apologize and I am going to have to live with it and get over it but it sure would make my healing a little easier to handle.
This post holds no magical words with profound meaning, just real life as it is.