I am fully awake now. As a result of years of hard gut wrenching work, I am starting to see results.The more the work the more the freedom I feel. The more work the more real I feel. I know this will sound strange to some, perhaps not to others who truly understand through personal experience.
My true discovery, through the years working on the trauma of the past, is that I am real and I have an actual existence. You see I never saw my self apart from others. I even actually felt like I was invisible and I was only born to watch other people’s life go by. At that time I truly believed that. This is some of the damage that child abuse causes. You lose yourself, your separate identity. Those children who go through such horrendous things try to make sense of it. The truth is that this subject does not make sense. These children believe their parents and trust them above all others. In some cases the abuse comes from another family member. It could be an uncle or a grandfather or even an older brother. Make no mistake child abuse does not discriminate. Boys are affected as well as girls, The age varies as will as the type of abuse and distinct separate experiences. These children trust their family members and so this betrayal shakes a child to the very core.With the very first incident of abuse its like being struck by lighting. Of course every child is different but the fear is always indescribable.
For me it was surreal. It was like being born into a different world than everyone else. I felt so flawed after what happened to me. Some how it felt like I had become broken or damaged. This is some of the damage of child abuse. It steals your right to be real. The person who you were meant to become. It feels at times that I am a prisoner for a crime I did not commit.This is because the suffering from child abuse can last a lifetime. I will always experience the after shocks of his choosing. My dad you see, escaped into death and has left me here in my symbolic prison walls. Little will he ever know that I have been breaking out brick by brick. The process of therapy, it is hard gut wrenching work. It is emotionally back-breaking work but I have discovered the strength to accomplish it. This task of healing these difficult wounds feels overwhelming at times but the effort is worth it for the more work the stronger and more positive I feel about myself and the world around me. Even breaking through prison walls cannot erase the past or put the pieces of the realness to which I have been desperately seeking, back together. It is the marriage of fear that has kept me from seeing the truth about life. The truth that I saw in my babies newborn eyes. Life is supposed to be wonderful. It is expected at birth.