Wow, I am exhausted from all the days activities. It was a very productive day today. The reward in it all is that I have accomplished so many things including things I let go in the past. Its so easy to procrastinate but with a little blood, sweat and tears miracles happen. It leaves you with amazing feeling inside.
I have a job interview tomorrow. I am confident that I will get the job. My life is changing so fast. Its turning in so many directions and it has left my head spinning. Change seems to come when you least expect it. Often times its the little things that creep up on you when you least expect. Then when something big happens you put everything that changed recently into the mix. Then its like a monumental life change. My monumental life change is that the kids are not home anymore and I needed to shift my priorities. For while I did nothing. I think I was grieving the loss of that special part of my life. Now I am picking myself up and embracing change. Change can be scary but it also can be wonderful!
Past experience has taught me so much about who I am. My own character and identity. Perhaps even who I was meant to become had it not been stolen away. I learned about trust and faith and my own emotional fragility. Through the experiences that I have suffered in my childhood I also leaned about my strength to survive awful experiences and my courage to move forward in my life despite it all.
I really desire to know who I am as a person. I am reclaiming my life, my birthright from the one person who thought that he owned me. Because of him I lost my identify, my sense of self. I am getting in touch with my inner wisdom. Thank goodness for this wisdom for it is a gift that has helped me to survive and to thrive through out my life. I have heard it said that there is a resilience to me. I believe this to be true about myself. I now realize that I am precious in God’s eyes and he never meant those painful things to happen to me.
What seems to matter most about my healing journey is my attitude about the past now.
I could have the attitude, “why me”. But I would rather say, “ok this happened to me but now what? What can I make of this now? I do know, to answer that question, that I want to create a hopeful life for myself and be future oriented instead of always looking back and perpetuating my past experiences. I want to promote for myself a happy life.
I am, through this blog, experiencing healing by sharing my story and finding meaning in the pain. I am finding a life more of my choosing by making positive decisions.
I have learned that just thinking about change does not bring it about. In the past I thought about change but without any action nothing different happens. I finally came to the conclusion that if I did not do anything to change my outcome of the past then I will remain forever trapped in my own suffering. My past experiences were based on learned behaviors that served a purpose, though mal-adaptive, to survive. Now I no longer just want to survive.
I want to thrive. This requires change. This is a process that when accomplished can yield amazing results.
I would like who ever reads this to comment. Tell me your story. Can you relate. Let me know. I will respond back. I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks.
It is 3:00 in the morning and I can’t seem to sleep. My mind won’t shut off. It might be the three cups of coffee before bed. I love my coffee but I should start setting a limit to how late I have it in the evening. It never use to bother me but apparently it does now. I was lying next to my husband. I was all comfortable in bed but I kept on obsessing about the days activities. The smartest thing that I could do was to get out of bed so as to not wake my husband who has to get up very early in the morning. It was better to leave the room than to lie there in fear of waking him. He will be up in about an hour. I bet he will ask me if I ever went to bed. Oh well the answer will be most assuredly no! He worries when I don’t sleep. I don’t like worrying him. I think I will go grocery shopping early and them come home and try to get a few hours of sleep. That is all the time that I will have because I have so much to do before our anniversary party at the end of the month. The girls will be there. It has been a tradition over the years that we celebrate with a carvel ice cream cake. I am making a special dinner for my husband (Clyde). I can hardly wait.
It will be our 36th anniversary.