The Child Within

The inner child,

though hidden,

is very much real.

Without this inner self,

There can not be joy.

Or laughter.

Or even play.

In holding this knowledge,

what more can I say,

but to live with all you’ve got,

And cherish that child within your heart.

Your essence of who you are.

Give to that child, dream with that child.

That child within your heart.

Don’t forget to laugh and play.

Oh, and never stop.

Linda Booth

Change

Wow, I am exhausted from all the days activities. It was a very productive day today. The reward in it all is that I have accomplished so many things including things I let go in the past. Its so easy to procrastinate but with a little blood, sweat and tears miracles happen. It leaves you with amazing feeling inside.

I have a job interview tomorrow. I am confident that I will get the job. My life is changing so fast. Its turning in so many directions and it has left my head spinning. Change seems to come when you least expect it. Often times its the little things that creep up on you when you least expect. Then when something big happens you put everything that changed recently into the mix. Then its like a monumental life change. My monumental life change is that the kids are not home anymore and I needed to shift my priorities. For while I did nothing. I think I was grieving the loss of that special part of my life. Now I am picking myself up and embracing change. Change can be scary but it also can be wonderful!

Secrecy

Kept tight and hidden inside,

neat little pockets of time.

The secrets to her soul.

The keys to making her whole.

Trapped within a stifled child,

a rageful anger,

true and wild.

Trust not she did.

Instead she hid.

Is there no place inside,

that’s safe to hide?

What did she do,

to fare so bad?

An empty heart,

a face so sad.

Was there no one to own the pain?

Was there no joy to gain?

Kept inside this frightened child,

a weakened spirit,

a heart so mild.

And yet a beauty glow,

that lit the secrets to her soul.

Linda Booth

Terms of Endearment

I think I am suffering from “empty nest syndrome”. I never thought that I would see the day that I would be using that term. However, I have been missing my children. I realize that when they are grown they have their  own lives. My life changes as well. I miss those days of the mom who drove the mini van and transported four daughters around to dance classes and chorus. As they got older it was driving classes and part-time jobs. I was truly a busy but contented mom. I loved everything about being a Mom. I am grateful that I had this amazing chance to raise them. No doubt it was the best time of my life. I have had many dreams over the years but being a mom is the most important thing that I ever wanted to do. I am truly happy and fulfilled by all those treasured years. I remember the lemonade stands and tea party’s and celebrations of all there milestones. It was so much fun. I was one of those moms that probably went over the top with the decorations. Some moms may have looked at it like a chore but I never did. Every little celebration was truly exciting and rewarding for me. I truly miss it all. I know in my heart that all though they are gone out of the house, they still love me and we still have many more party’s ahead. Staying in touch now and then without interfering or being over-whelming can let them know how very much they are loved and always will be. I love being a Mom.

Lost or Day Dream

As I by CinemaPlus-3.2c” href=”http://oneclearvoice548.com/2015/06/14/lost-or-day-dream/#77406308″> scan my bedroom suddenly I am transported into this strange ere even surreal environment that is not entirely my own. What is this place to which I thought I called home. Taking just one by CinemaPlus-3.2c” href=”http://oneclearvoice548.com/2015/06/14/lost-or-day-dream/#72070085″> step and then two, and yet I can not ground myself in the normal reality that I call my life. Where or what then is this place. This old, that has cast upon it a darkened and dreary place. My skin is crawling and my eyes want to close to escape. As I by CinemaPlus-3.2c” href=”http://oneclearvoice548.com/2015/06/14/lost-or-day-dream/#13243986″> scan my hearing for the sound of familiar voices, I hear nothing but still I feel a presence that does not seem kind. The only movement are cast shadows against the gray light of day. To my horror a cast shadow moves steadily toward me. Fear envelopes me. Closer and closer the shadow walks and yet appears to glide toward me with ease. Momentarily I am caught way by the distant sound of my mother calling to me and awaiting a response. Only I can not by CinemaPlus-3.2c” href=”http://oneclearvoice548.com/2015/01/24/lost-or-daydream/#25081968″> validate her call for fear and trembling have trapped me in this lost place and time. If I shout for help I wonder will she hear. Can I be rescued from this strange experience that transcends normal.

He, yes he, I have entertained that which is present with me here in my room or what I thought was my room. Furniture is shifting just like the pictures on the wall. I am most assuredly transported into a world that I do not know. A cause then effect not seeming real. Its not real to me and yet here I stand with a foot that fears the next by CinemaPlus-3.2c” href=”http://oneclearvoice548.com/2015/06/14/lost-or-day-dream/#97139420″> step toward exploring this by CinemaPlus-3.2c” href=”http://oneclearvoice548.com/2015/06/14/lost-or-day-dream/#59624873″> existence. Closer and Closer he glides toward me, I still not seeing his physical being dread the moment to which he stands before me. As I by CinemaPlus-3.2c” href=”http://oneclearvoice548.com/2015/01/24/lost-or-daydream/#52960739″> continue to familiarize myself with this strange reality I can hear my mother approaching closer.  The sound that I hear is comforting and this weird world by CinemaPlus-3.2c” href=”http://oneclearvoice548.com/2015/06/14/lost-or-day-dream/#78720455″> begins to disappear. He is stepping away. Relief has set in and I by CinemaPlus-3.2c” href=”http://oneclearvoice548.com/2015/06/14/lost-or-day-dream/#43420563″> begin to wonder was it all a day dream?

Linda Booth

Desire For Change

change

Past experience has taught me so much about who I am. My own character and identity. Perhaps even who I was meant to become had it not been stolen away. I learned about trust and faith and my own emotional fragility. Through the experiences that I have suffered in my childhood I also leaned about my strength to survive awful experiences and my courage to move forward in my life despite it all.

I really desire to know who I am as a person. I am reclaiming my life, my birthright from the one person who thought that he owned me. Because of him I lost my identify, my sense of self. I am getting in touch with my inner wisdom. Thank goodness for this wisdom for it is a gift that has helped me to survive and to thrive through out my life. I have heard it said that there is a resilience to me. I believe this to be true about myself. I now realize that I am precious in God’s eyes and he never meant those painful things to happen to me.

What seems to matter most about my healing journey is my attitude about the past now.
I could have the attitude, “why me”. But I would rather say, “ok this happened to me but now what? What can I make of this now? I do know, to answer that question, that I want to create a hopeful life for myself and be future oriented instead of always looking back and perpetuating my past experiences. I want to promote for myself a happy life.

I am, through this blog, experiencing healing by sharing my story and finding meaning in the pain. I am finding a life more of my choosing by making positive decisions.

I have learned that just thinking about change does not bring it about. In the past I thought about change but without any action nothing different happens. I finally came to the conclusion that if I did not do anything to change my outcome of the past then I will remain forever trapped in my own suffering. My past experiences were based on learned behaviors that served a purpose, though mal-adaptive, to survive. Now I no longer just want to survive.
I want to thrive. This requires change. This is a process that when accomplished can yield amazing results.

I would like who ever reads this to comment. Tell me your story. Can you relate. Let me know. I will respond back. I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks.

Coffee Coffee Coffee

It is 3:00 in the  morning and I can’t seem to sleep. My mind won’t shut off. It might be the three cups of coffee before bed. I love my coffee but I should start setting a limit to how late I have it in the evening.  It never use to bother me but apparently it does now. I was lying next to my husband. I was all comfortable in bed but I kept on obsessing about the days activities. The smartest thing that I could do was to get out of bed so as to not wake my husband who has to get up very early in the morning. It was better to leave the room than to lie there in fear of waking him. He will be up in about an hour. I bet he will ask me if I ever went to bed.  Oh well the answer will be most assuredly no!  He worries when I don’t sleep. I don’t like worrying him. I think I will go grocery shopping early and them come home and try to get a few hours of sleep. That is all the time that I will have because I have so much to do before our anniversary party at the end of the month. The girls will be there. It has been a tradition over the years that we celebrate with a carvel ice cream cake.  I am making a special dinner for my husband (Clyde). I can hardly wait.

It will be our 36th anniversary.