Today was very difficult. I had therapy and I delved right into the past. It is work that I must do but it is very painful to go there in my mind. When I was relating facts about what happened my hands were shaking. I think that is what I do to not feel. I tense up and concentrate on not feeling so that I can get through without breaking down. I guess I am just one of those people who shut down so as not to feel the real deep pain because of the legacy that my father and others left me. I know that eventually I will have to feel the pain and deep sorrow over the atrocities of my past and I will at some point be brave and start to purge those painful emotions. After I got home from therapy I felt as if I betrayed by father by telling his secret. I know I have every right but that is some of the damage that being forced to keep a secret for so long can cause.
I invite all who read this to comment and tell me a little about their own experience.