Keep or Tell Secrets?

Today was very difficult. I had therapy and I delved right into the past. It is work that I must do but it is very painful to go there in my mind. When I was relating facts about what happened my hands were shaking. I think that is what I do to not feel. I tense up and concentrate on not feeling so that I can get through without breaking down. I guess I am just one of those people who shut down so as not to feel the real deep pain because of the legacy that my father and others left me. I know that eventually I will have to feel the pain and deep sorrow over the atrocities of my past and I will at some point be brave and start to purge those painful emotions. After I got home from therapy I felt as if I betrayed by father by telling his secret. I know I have every right but that is some of the damage that being forced to keep a secret for so long can cause.

I invite all who read this to comment and tell me a little about their own experience.


3 thoughts on “Keep or Tell Secrets?

  1. Those feelings along with shaky hands are so familiar to me and my history with therapists. Talking about ‘IT’ is so hard. Or around it as I didn’t talk much about specifics in therapy; I couldn’t.
    All of it eventually came up while writing a chapter each week, alone, at home, sipping morning coffee, cleansing me. Healing became more than just a word. That was about 3 years ago, I’m 62, so the feeling of real wholeness took awhile to be achieved. But each week something big arose, and I’d often cry, and for once crying felt so good, true, natural, and relieving, washing me, emptying the grit.

    Like

    1. Your comment is well written. I am 54 and at this time I still cannot cry. I wish I could. Maybe it will happen in time. The message that I received as a child was “Don’t you dare let them see you cry or they will know something is wrong,” Its like those words still have power over me. I want to know what it is like to feel whole. I so happy for you that you have achieved a measure of wholeness. It holds out hope for me,
      Thank you so much for sharing. It is comforting to survivors to share.
      Linda

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s