Pain and Gain

Normally I  love grocery shopping but today I did not. I just rushed through. I attempted to do some more shopping for non food items but lost interest in that as well. I would go in  the store with full intentions of making a purchase but just ended up walking right out the door empty handed. I guess I did not realize the full effect working on trauma would have. I feel sad. I even at times feel angry. I am afraid of anger. I fear it. I usually take it out on myself in some negative way. Sometimes through using DXM(cold medicine) and sometimes I have cut myself. I have the word PAIN carved out on my shoulder. I thought what a profound way of telling all who see it of the deep down hidden pain that a survivor of child abuse carries with them. It is invisible but nevertheless there. Its not fair that what people do not see, they do not understand. It can leave a survivor feeling very alone in their suffering. I always end up pushing through it all until the next storm of emotions. I know it will come and I have worked hard in therapy and have learned many skills that helped me to be well equipped to handle what ever comes my way. Oh and there is prayer. Prayer can make a difference. Its always comforting to know that there is always someone there who loves me very much and I can pour out my heart to him and he always listens. I have never never had a prayer go unanswered. It may take time and require patients but I am so grateful for my heavenly father and his great gifts of kindness and love. Today is a down day for me but I have gotten through saftely and I am proud of myself for it. I truly have come a long way.


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