It was ok in therapy today. We did not delve into the past, She wants me to take it slower. I found myself experiencing a lot of anxiety to the point of that scared butterfly feeling in your gut just before you go to give a speech. My face and hands would begin to sweat and I was trembling. It was this feeling that I carried around with me since last weeks session. I just want so desperately to move forward and leave the past behind. Every professional has warned me that I need to go slowly in revealing the trauma but I feel as though it has taken too much of my life already. So much even In my adult life was effected. I do believe now that they are right about going slowly and I respect their professional opinion on the matter. I am in a Seeking Safety group now. It meets on Thursday at 2:00. It’s a specially designed therapy for those whom have substance abuse and co-occurring PTSD. It has been found out with people who experience trauma that they tend to self medicate to relieve the symptoms. I have done that using dextromathorphan which is a cough suppressant found in most cold medicines. It is in higher concentrate in medicines like coriciden HBP could and cough. On the street they are referred to as triple cccs or skittles and even just a shortened version of the cough suppressant which is DXM. I am in no way proud of using this substance. I state it only to be honest about myself. I would never condone the use of DXM as it can be very dangerous in high doses which is required to get high. It was never for recreational use. It truly was to self medicate. It helped with the physical pain from the fibromyalgia and the deep depression that can come with PTSD. The group is so supportive and I have not used since May. I am doing very well with it. Perhaps the group is working after all. I do however have to give myself some credit for abstaining. I hope I can continue and stay strong. I AM NOT ALONE!