Saturday

thDTO6U162Here I am on a Saturday morning wondering what to do today. I keep thinking about my last therapy session. It was very difficult. I was in a deep meditation and she had me pick up the little girl and hold her and tell her that she’s going to be safe. She told me to tell her that she won’t let him hurt her anymore. She asked me what the little girl was doing. I had a hard time connecting to the little girl. Just looking at her and holding her in my mind made me very very sad. I cried a little but I can never fully cry about the past. I’m not sure why. I can cry about other things very easily. She even told me to tell my father if he hurts that little girl I will call the police. Then in my mind my father disappeared into the wall. I felt safer but still sad. I don’t know what to do with the deep sadness. I hope that it eventually goes away by doing the EMDR. She hasn’t started it yet. I think she wants to make sure that I’m fully ready. I want to do this but it scares me so much because I know it means exposing what happened and feeling the feelings.

I’m working on a relaxation video. It has pictures of all my favorite things, butterflies, tea parties, teddy bears and flowers etc. I used beautiful instrumental music. It’s a little hauntingly sad but very relaxing to watch. I love it. I had a lot of fun putting it together. I used images from bing.  I found so many beautiful ones that I couldn’t stop saving them to my computer. I’m not sure, I might change the music.

I think I’m kinda in a mood today. I hope it will change soon its not a comfortable feeling. I know my therapist would say stay with it and feel it. But I have a very difficult time dealing with emotions. I am determined to change my mood around and have a good day. I hope everybody who reads this has a good day too.

L.B.

Chameleons

At my therapy session we did a deep meditation to prepare for working on my reoccurring dreams. One was that I was being chased in the woods and its late fall. There are crunchy leaves beneath my feet. The fear is great and somehow I know that the force that is chasing me is going to catch up. That dream we chose not to work on yet as it is a dream about a real memory. This memory from my childhood is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The other dream is more strange and symbolic of my paralyzing childhood fears.
Ever since I was little I wanted to please and always do the right thing. I always listened to adults even if what they told me did not even make sense. What was happening to me back then was different than my siblings. Although they suffered also at the hands of our father. That difference was so uncomfortable for me.
Rather than stand out as different because of what happened to me I chose to act much like a chameleon. I tried to fit into my surroundings so as not to be noticed. I thought that what was happening to me was my fault. So fitting in kept the secret hidden. Sadly it worked and left me very lonely in my pain. I carried this behavior far into my adult life that I even still blend in now, but against how I really feel.
Well this therapy is going to enable me to stand out on my own and be who I was meant to be, finally.
We proceeded to work on the symbolic dream. But as I always have in the past…I was the good little girl or now woman. I did not tell my therapist how much talking about it affected me. I just kept going.
She thought I did great but she did not realize fully how much working on it impacted my thoughts and emotions. I need to learn to trust her more. She is still very new to me……but I need to be honest with her or therapy won’t work the way it is intended. We have not started the EMDR yet. She wanted to work on the dreams to see if that might stop them from occurring.

I am still continuing to be brave and I still press on with my life in hopes that therapy will finally release me from the bondage of my past.

L.B.