Chameleons

At my therapy session we did a deep meditation to prepare for working on my reoccurring dreams. One was that I was being chased in the woods and its late fall. There are crunchy leaves beneath my feet. The fear is great and somehow I know that the force that is chasing me is going to catch up. That dream we chose not to work on yet as it is a dream about a real memory. This memory from my childhood is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The other dream is more strange and symbolic of my paralyzing childhood fears.
Ever since I was little I wanted to please and always do the right thing. I always listened to adults even if what they told me did not even make sense. What was happening to me back then was different than my siblings. Although they suffered also at the hands of our father. That difference was so uncomfortable for me.
Rather than stand out as different because of what happened to me I chose to act much like a chameleon. I tried to fit into my surroundings so as not to be noticed. I thought that what was happening to me was my fault. So fitting in kept the secret hidden. Sadly it worked and left me very lonely in my pain. I carried this behavior far into my adult life that I even still blend in now, but against how I really feel.
Well this therapy is going to enable me to stand out on my own and be who I was meant to be, finally.
We proceeded to work on the symbolic dream. But as I always have in the past…I was the good little girl or now woman. I did not tell my therapist how much talking about it affected me. I just kept going.
She thought I did great but she did not realize fully how much working on it impacted my thoughts and emotions. I need to learn to trust her more. She is still very new to me……but I need to be honest with her or therapy won’t work the way it is intended. We have not started the EMDR yet. She wanted to work on the dreams to see if that might stop them from occurring.

I am still continuing to be brave and I still press on with my life in hopes that therapy will finally release me from the bondage of my past.

L.B.


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