Here I am on a Saturday morning wondering what to do today. I keep thinking about my last therapy session. It was very difficult. I was in a deep meditation and she had me pick up the little girl and hold her and tell her that she’s going to be safe. She told me to tell her that she won’t let him hurt her anymore. She asked me what the little girl was doing. I had a hard time connecting to the little girl. Just looking at her and holding her in my mind made me very very sad. I cried a little but I can never fully cry about the past. I’m not sure why. I can cry about other things very easily. She even told me to tell my father if he hurts that little girl I will call the police. Then in my mind my father disappeared into the wall. I felt safer but still sad. I don’t know what to do with the deep sadness. I hope that it eventually goes away by doing the EMDR. She hasn’t started it yet. I think she wants to make sure that I’m fully ready. I want to do this but it scares me so much because I know it means exposing what happened and feeling the feelings.
I’m working on a relaxation video. It has pictures of all my favorite things, butterflies, tea parties, teddy bears and flowers etc. I used beautiful instrumental music. It’s a little hauntingly sad but very relaxing to watch. I love it. I had a lot of fun putting it together. I used images from bing. I found so many beautiful ones that I couldn’t stop saving them to my computer. I’m not sure, I might change the music.
I think I’m kinda in a mood today. I hope it will change soon its not a comfortable feeling. I know my therapist would say stay with it and feel it. But I have a very difficult time dealing with emotions. I am determined to change my mood around and have a good day. I hope everybody who reads this has a good day too.