Press On Though and Forward

I havent written here in awhile. I guess I go through fazes where I cant seem to be motivated to write. I feel bad because having a blog is some what of a responsibility. At least I feel that way. I want to be here to share my ups and downs in life as a result of childhood trauma. It makes me feel good to validate others with similar circumstances and by being brave enough to share my inner most thoughts with them.  Putting my experience out there for all to read makes me feel vulnerable but its worth it to me if it helps or inspires someone else out there. That would make me very happy.

My days lately have been very challenging. My therapist thinks that hypno-therapy is better suited for me rather than EMDR. They both scare me a lot. I have all these scary ideas of how it will all come out. I could dissociate or regress and even brake down in a river of tears. I know that I must continue to be brave and march through these memories if I am ever going to get to the other side. I imagine that the other side is filled with possibility and joy. I cant wait. I will face the monsters of my past. I must if I want to move forward and make positive changes. I have plans. I refuse to give up on these plans out of fear. The only way out of the storm of PTSD is through it. I can do it! You can do it too!

I admire all those out there who bravely live there life with joy despite those inner scares of the past.

It is an inspiration to all of us survivors.


Fear or Dred

I think I am dreading therapy tomorrow. Since last time I have been having nightmares. She said that it could and probably will happen. But it doesn’t make it any easier to cope with. My PTSD symptoms have gotten worse. I know that it is all part of the process but I am starting to doubt my ability to go through with it. To be perfectly honest I think I am more afraid of feeling the painful emotions that will come up as I begin the process. Reliving the memories will not be easy but I fear the emotional  pain more. I was always told as a child not to cry and not to get angry. Those messages remained in my mind  well into my adult life. I learned to shut all painful feelings off. I don’t even think that the process of EMDR will release it. Its suppose to. I am really scared but I’m not giving up. I am a determined person. I have pushed through so much in my life. This will be hard but it won’t kill me!