I have therapy tomorrow. We are going to work on the memory that is the worst thing that ever happened to me. Thus far I have been able to handle bad memories but this one is going to be an emotional challenge for me. Thankfully, the kind of therapy that I am doing, (EMDR) helps to take the charge off the memory so that it is not as traumatic to talk about. I felt great when my therapist said that she thought I was brave to do this. She said it takes great courage to relive horrific things. But its the going back and processing that will help me to move forward. Sometimes it requires taking some steps backwards to move forward again. However long it takes, I am going to get through all of this. I want a better life. I want to know for once in my life what it is like to actually live….really live!
I will try and post tomorrow about the appointment.
Life is so precious and ever so fragile. We don’t often think about that until something happens to someone we love.
My sister-in-law passed away Sunday night. She had a couple over for dinner that night and seemed fine. However, after they left she started to have difficulty breathing. Her husband called for an ambulance and she was rushed to the hospital where she coded and they tried to bring her back but it was too late.
We are very close as a family on my side and my husbands as well. She was not just my sister-in-law. She was also my close friend. I will miss her very much. The memorial talk is this afternoon.
Its been a lot to handle for me these past few weeks. Therapy has been very intense. As embarrassing as it is to admit to this, I often dissociate to escape feeling difficult emotions and memories. I did this when I was younger too. I am convinced that there will come a time when the trauma of the past will be behind me and I wont need to think about it or distress over it anymore. I am almost there. But that wont stop me from helping others to find their voice. Everyone needs validation and there are many people out there that carry tremendous pain inside because they don’t have an outlet to receive
validation for the horrors they went through. That is so unfair and very sad. If my blog helps others to find their courage and speak out then this will make me very happy that all my efforts actually benefit these people.
When I went into my last therapy appointment I did not have on my mind working on memories way back when I was two and three years old. I was always certain that no abuse happened before the age of eight. She called it a float back and she started this by putting me in a mild meditative state and then as she put it, installed a safe place for me. She let pick my favorite place. For me it was this beautiful state park not far from my home. Its so peaceful. There is a picnic table next to this very small pond with cat tails growing all around it. She then said she would install an anchor. This is for when we are talking about difficult memories and I get over-whelmed. For me the anchor is putting my index finger together with my thumb. Its a way of grounding me. So that I can shift attention to my safe place (the park). So when she sees that I am in distress she tells me to go to my safe place. I then can use my anchor to ground me and then close my eyes to visulize my beautiful park image. While I am there she had me do some tapping.
What is tapping?
(Whenever we experience emotional or physical pain (whether from the past or the present), our bodies register it as stress, sending a cascade of neurochemicals through the body disrupting and destabilizing the flow of energy. It’s very similar to the bodily response to danger when the Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS) activates the fight/flight/freeze response. The heart rate rises and muscles tense. The body’s distress is often experienced as an over-the-top flood of emotion, or physical tension. Additionally, the reasoning functions of the brain are inhibited during times of stress and trauma. Often the mind doesn’t always distinguish between the distress that is currently happening or distress that is a memory from many years earlier. Tapping the specific meridian areas of the body re-stabilizes the energy system and calms the flight/fight/freeze response.)
Taken from Wikipedia
Once we probe into painful memories of the trauma the tapping almost always calms me down when I get over-whelmed. It really works.
So anyway using EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing), I uncovered memories of sexual abuse before the age of eight. In fact, I was only three when the first time that I experienced sexual abuse had occurred.. I was horrified to learn of this. However I know that if I survived all the atrocities that happened to me as a child then surely I can survive discovering, relating and feeling the emotions that come along with remembering them today.