Puzzle

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The puzzle of a damaged soul,
has missing pieces from long ago.
The outer edge of sanity,
unfolds like the cradle of youth.
Each piece reaching out,
and seeking truth.
A brand new foundation built,
like the gentleness of a birth.
The opening of a tender heart,
bursts like the beauty and color of each piece,
therefore giving insight and hope.
A picture is starting to come through,
vivid and true.
To the puzzle of a life,
there is a painful circumstance,
that steals the right of self discovery.
An effort to try to make a life,
like the missing puzzle pieces,
floating in a mind at night.
There is a distortion of view.
Will the dreams find the pieces that fit?
There is a fear of ugly replacements.
not for the eyes to see.
This has introduced frightening pieces,
for the ones we cannot see.
Left undiscovered till now.
This puzzled masters heart,
will find the true pieces to rid the evil,
and give the puzzle a new start.
With this challenge there’s an exploration of life.
Bringing together the obsqure and brite
When will this puzzle be complete!
There is no limit,
on how far to reach.
Never stop seeking,
for the pieces that fit.
For every piece brings understanding.
Seek and rid of the dark pieces that don’t belong.
It will take much effort,
to extract the black that’s wrong.
It will not fit.
So behold a vision a-new.
The puzzle of this special life.
It keeps building,
as we accept each new piece.
There is a story unfolding,
courages and strong.
The lessons of stories,
that fit stand with power and dignity.
Chaste and pure.
There is no finish,
its open ended.
Always seeking and reaching,
for the vision of the truthful pieces,
and carefully placing them just right.
What a beautiful view.
What a beautiful life!

Linda

Dreams

thEEZ81S9KI had this really powerful dream last night. I dreamt of my dad. In it I was still a little girl but he was different. He was very different. I have tears in my eyes right now as I type this. He was so good to me in the dream. He did not hurt me in my dream like he did when I was little. Perhaps unconsciously I am wishing for a do-over of my childhood in which I can control what happens to me.  How awesome would that be. It’s so sad to know that it will never be possible.

There is not one of us that isn’t damaged by our parents some how to a lesser or greater degree. I know this. I know that I am not a perfect mother. But I know that I did the very best that I could to raise them happy and healthy and I live with those wonderful memories in my heart every day.  It was the best time of my life. It was the most important thing that I have ever done. Their dad did the very best that he could also. He deserves an award for the great father that he was while raising them. Having a good mom and dad makes all the difference for them later in life when they are adults. It was not easy but very possible to keep children from harm and nurture them at a most critical time in their lives.. No mother or father can be perfect. Understanding this point helps me to forgive my father just a tiny little bit.

Then there are those parents who harm there children so deeply and yet they expect forgiveness. They make excuses for their actions and even say that they did the best that they could. That just isn’t true and I think they know that. There are some crimes against a child that are almost unforgivable.

How many of us wish things were different when we were kids. Some kids wish for different parents. I don’t think that I could do that. I would still want my Mom and my Dad. I would only wish to change those horrible things that happened. Instead of neglect I would wish that my mom would take much better care of us and protect us from harm. I did not have that kind of Mom. I would wish my Dad to be like he was before the sexual abuse happened. Before that time I thought he was the best father in the world.

Oh the power of wishing.
Oh the power of dreams.

Linda

Mark Twain

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“Write what you know.”  Mark Twain

People say all the time that I am so smart but like the quote from Mark Twain,  I only write about things  I know and those things that  are important to me. This Blog is written on the subject of Child Abuse. That’s what is important to me. Raising awareness might help to protect children from abuse now and in the future. Why can’t we all do something to make the world a better place. My site can also validate others who have already suffered abuse and comfort them. It is also my hope that these stories within this blog…. will help others find their voice. Having Voice is everything and just living in the pain is not really living at all. Everyone deserves a chance in life so that we can  be all that we can be!

The path to success is to take massive determined action.  Anonymous.

Linda

Generations Past

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Fathers bares the pain of past,

revealing to their child in glass,

that she shall hold the blame,

that isn’t hers.

Living with the shame,

this pain incurs.

Cast off those things,

that hamper growth,

and interfere with this small child’s hope.

Do not entrap this tender child,

into the grip of your sin.

Wiping out her innocence,

even before it has begun to live.

But surrender her over to love,

for which you have been intrusted.

Give her peace.

Give her release BEFORE it has passed your mind.

Shall your twisted desire ease,

and from the pain of heart,

caused by generations before your time.

 

P.S.  If only they could see the damage to a child before they act on their own selfish impulses.

This impulse is often times caused by generations before them. Unfortunately some of these

abusers don’t realize they are acting out the very thing that they suffered as a child by a

family member. They therefore continue this sick legacy. If only there was a way to express to

these abusers the extent of the pain caused by them upon a child.

This is the message in this poem.

Healthy children make healthy families.

Healthy families make a healthy society.

Please become more aware.

Awareness can be half the battle against child abuse.

I  reposted this from one of my earlier posts

in reference to the word of the day

Linda

Unsafe

I am going to list the different aspects of what my siblings and I went through as children living in an unsafe environment..

We all had suffered in different ways but child abuse is child abuse.

1.) Neglect…………We never had enough to eat. Some days we only have one meal a day. Growing children need proper nutrition. I remember feeling weak at times from the lack of food. We were all too small for our age as a result of poor nutrition We never saw the dentist and besides shots we never had check-ups. By the time my brothers reached their early twenties they had already shown severe damage to their teeth. My sister and I fared better with our teeth. Also there is lack of safety and protection. That was my mothers job but she failed.

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2.) Physical Abuse……… I have to say that my brother Ricky suffered beatings with the belt regularly.  My mom use to slap us in the face for something we had done wrong. Half the time we had no idea what she slapped us for.. She slapped hard leaving a bright red mark on our faces every time.

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3.) Fear….. of the next thing that would happen. My father would play mind games with us. He would scare me all the time with …..”Linda what is that”……….and he would point to a spider. But there was no real spider there. He just liked the reaction of fear in me. Mark was always afraid of what my Dad would do to him next. My father liked to humiliate Mark and make fun of him. Mark was youngest of us all. My father was very manipulative and would make anything sound good and so we thought it was ok but it wasn’t. Even though Kim was completely blind she had a strong sense of meanness in my Father and never felt safe when he was around. Then there were the times that strange things would happen in our house that could  not be explained. I’m not saying that our house was haunted but perhaps these events  happened as a result of my dad, aunt and my grandmother messing with things they should not have. A oujia board is not a game. I think my dad was effected by doing that. The strange things that happened seem to follow him around. . My father also said that he sold his soul to the devil if he would in return make my father succeed in art or music. My dad was very talented but lacked the ability in knowing how to get what he wanted or needed in the right way. He relied on evil rather than God.  I don’t want to get into details about what happened because it scares me to much. Perhaps  I will in another post at some point. Because my goal with this blog is to be completely  honest about everything that happened to me to help others know that they are not alone.

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4.) Sexual Abuse…………..My simblings have told me that they were not sexually abused. I seem to be the only one. I was told that it’s a secret and never tell because our family will break up and he would go to jail. So being just a little girl I felt responsible for keeping my family together if I did just what he wanted. I discovered that I could disassociate to  take some of the fear away. It didn’t always work. I thought that the first time that it happened I was eight. However it has come to light through EMDR with its ability to release information that I blocked  I found out that the abuse started at age three. There was always these flashbacks and feelings that made me wonder if  it happened earlier. But I lacked the details until EMDR helped me to release it all. So from three to seventeen I had to suffer his attacks on me.

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5.) Verbal abuse…………….this actually was something that my Mom had to suffer throughout her marriage. Some of us children also experienced his rude condescending treatment of us. All of us. I felt really bad for mom. But was still angry that she did not protect us.

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Linda

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or even validated what you went through.

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Mindfullness

fb-mindfulnessAs a continuation from my last post yesterday, I thought about how I have been taught mindfulness. It’s the practice of the here and now. Its being present in this very moment in time. It’s paying attention to every aspect of what we are doing. For instance, if you are taking a bubble bath it’s seeing, smelling, hearing and touching. It can make you more aware of the moment in front of you. In this case a bubble bath. What about bubbles? Have you ever looked closely at bubbles?  If you have than you no doubt have noticed the tiny little sparkling rainbows within each and every bubble. Then there is the warmth of the water that is so relaxing that it can chase any bad day away for a while. Its a perfect distraction from the past and future events in your life. It’s great for when ever you want to escape the past and not worry so much about the future. If you have away  of living in the past and stressing over every little mistake and it may have even happened on this very day then pay careful attention to the moment right in front of you. But remember there is always away to escape from all that unnecessary worrying. I have practiced it many times. But it takes an awareness of the here and now and I still sometimes struggle with the pain of the past and the worry of my future as a result of the past. It does not have to be that way. I will say though, that going back in time to remember some special happy event is healthy or looking forward to some reward is also just as good.  There has to be a balance.

So with regards to yesterdays post and the lack of desire to go shopping, I discovered a new way of looking at it. However I must say that working on the past so as to get past it has taken me back to the days when I was just a small child and remembering going without food. There were many times when we only had one meal for the day and even that was pathetic. We did not even have milk except in school. When children out there were trying to find a way to not drink their milk….. we where dreaming about having a nice tall cold glass of milk. We were malnourished and had growth problems and we had bad teeth. We never saw a dentist when we were little. By the time my brothers reached their early twenties their teeth were shot. I remember many times that my stomach would hurt because I was hungry and as a result of going hungry I lacked energy to just have fun and be a kid. Children should not have to worry where there next meal will be.

So now here in the present, I discovered a way to make the past work for me in a positive way. When I go shopping next I will remember  a time when the shopping cart had very little in it.. Now I am all grown and have children of my own….I want a better life for them. I swore to never let them go hungry.  From here on in I will try to be mindful about shopping. As I put each and every item in my cart I will remember those days of going without and really appreciate today. Now I can pay attention to how it feels to take each item off the shelf and place in my cart. If I do this and really pay attention to the process of shopping I will most assuredly enjoy my shopping days.

That’s what mindfulness is all about. Go ahead try it. It can be fun when really paying attention at just today or just one event in our day!

Linda

 

 

 

 

Not the fun shopping!

Well its Friday and that means grocery shopping. I used to love it. Now it feels like a chore that I just want to get over with. I look back on the days when the girls were little and even though shopping with them was very challenging, especially four little girls! Honestly I miss those days when I had all the energy in the world to take on such a task. It wasn’t too bad except for the times  when the really little ones would put groeries in that I did not realize and ended up paying for it and realizing later. When I finally made it home I had the two older girls help me unload the car and then I sent them all outside to play. Yah some moms choose to sit their kids in front of the TV. I wanted them to share the joy of the wide open fresh air and to ride bikes, make mud pies, play outside games that require them to be physical. Sitting in front of the TV takes no real effort at all.  I felt that if I used the TV as a babysitter than what kind of mother would I be?

Well anyway back then I did not have fibromyalgia or depression as the result of Bipolar Two. At least back then  when the girls were little it was much milder. I am on medication to help with the pain but I really don’t want to be on it very long. I take Tramadol and Flexeril a muscle relaxer. I am not on any hard pain medicine. I don’t want to get addicted to that. I would rather deal with the pain. Not to mention the fact that it would impair my judgment while driving. I have to be able to get where I need to go safely. I love to drive. Its my freedom from the mundane and claustrophobic feel of my home at times.

Well I am going to enjoy the rest of my day relaxing. Its my reward after shopping.

Linda

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