There was this evil presence for lack of a better term. It was in this strange factory. People were challenged to confront this evil presence. However, one by one they would be cast out of the factory. Some of these brave souls where very strong while others chose to use their powers of reason. Some called it a beast. Some jut called it plain old evil. I sat at the outskirts of the factory. I had hoped this was a safe distance. Many who had tried to bring down the beast did so with armor or better yet love. Nothing worked. I was asked by the evil presence to enter the factory. It was so dark and erie. As I made my way up the stairs that led to this beast, I changed my mind and cowardly ran back down the stairs and out the factory doors. I thought to myself, “am I safe?” I really thought I was but suddenly all those people around the factory waiting to go in suddenly turned away and ran as fast as they could. “Why”, I thought to myself. The rumor was that he would not leave the building. If he did he would lose his power over everyone.
He challenged his own fear and ran out the door. Just as soon as the outside air hit him, he turned into a wolf. The “Little Red Ridng Hood” wolf. He had big eyes to see everything that we were doing. His nose was strong enough to sniff out the timidist person. But his teeth were made of steel. That of which can not be compared to any other beast. Surely any person who dared to challenge him would meet his deathly fate.
I slyly moved far enough away from him. I desperately hoped he would not see me and at the very worst chase me. Little did I know that this dream was about me and this beast turned wolf, was after me. As he approached by surprise, I ran as fast as I could. I knew there was no way that I was a match for the speed at which this beast could run. But yet I still did my best. I acted braver than the rest. For often times what we believe impossible can in fact prove to be possible. Each time that I turned around to see how close he was, he began to lose speed. So when I realized this I did the bravest thing yet. I turned around to face this beast and he just stood there looking at me with those piercing eyes. I said I am not afraid of you anymore. The wolf transformed into a person. It was my very own father.
No one else could take him down because this was my battle, my fight with the beast of my past. Things are not often what they seem. Facing the past at times seems monumental but bravery and courage will conquer all, especially evil.
The beast made wolf by the outside air became defenseless and then began to die. All that was left was my father and his lies
Oh how I love my peaceful quiet time. Time to meditate and process any event or emotion that stands out to me and needs my attention. It’s so important to listen to ourselves. Its so important to care for ourselves because in doing this we become healthier people who can assist others in need. Life has so many cycles. I noticed that. As much as we would like to forget our painful upbringing, it seems to come around without warning and so we try to push it away it comes around again. Its demanding our attention. Stress and perhaps depression will be the result if we do not listen. Monday my stress limit was tested.But I worked through it with my therapist and was proud of myself after. There was even a feeling of release. For those of us with difficult childhoods, to say the least, we live with trapped negative energy inside of us. Energy that reaches to the crore of who we are as a person. As long as we choose to ignore the trauma of our past we will have to live with the pain, the fear and the and lack of parental love. Perhaps for some of us, there was no love at all. It can be very difficult to walk around in this world with a heavy burden on our heart. But it is not just that. We carry the energy whether negative or positive and that has a definite effect in our lives with our family, socially and also our job. The energy is stored not just in our minds or hearts but in our body as well. Its energy that is crying out to be released. It cries out when something does not go right at work or home . Perhaps it’s when we fail at something. It brings us down lower than it should. We become depressed and lack the knowledge as to why. We try and push through life ignoring what or body’s and mind are trying tell us. That something needs our attention. Take the time go back to when you think that it all started and find someone, a professional to help you work through it. Then you will come to understand the impact your past can have on you now and in the future. If you have a flat tire on your bike you are going to have a bumpy uncomfortable ride. You might even fall. Go back and fix that flat tire and as you ride you will feel the ease of moving forward. People say that therapy is not for everyone but to those who are brave enough to face their fears and pain a more joyful life is attained. Get rid of the bad energy that keeps following you around.
Max lost the mouse under the refrigerator. Max made so much noise in his effort to lure out the mouse and scared him away. There were a few hours of rest. I swear sometimes that they are worse than when the girls where home. Max is always under-foot running here running there. I have not bought the live trap yet so I am counting on Max to follow mister mouse around and maybe intimidate him a little. Max just has to be careful and realize he is not the same size as that mouse. We don’t want a replay of Max smashing head on into the wall or a piece of furniture. He is a clumsy cat. He is taking his rest in his favorite spot, my side of the bed. He can look pretty intimidating in the dark. Oh well tomorrow is another day.
I still haven’t gotten rid of the things that I said to my dad yesterday. I know that even through my anger and my hurt and my loss there is a part of me that cannot let go of what could have been and more importantly what should have been for me as a child. I can’t help feeling like I betrayed him by telling. Even though I know he has been dead since 2006, I still feel his power over me. It haunts me. He violates my everyday. He steals my joy. He distorts my view of myself. I know that I feel all of this so strongly now because I am actively dealing with it. I have a long way to go to purge the pain of the past and the horrors inflicted upon me. I am going to be patient with myself and the process of therapy. I will get through it and out the other side. He has stolen my energy for today. I am promised that it will return to me and I will feel pure joy. I eagerly wait for that day. I’m distressed right now but I am not giving up the fight to get my dignity and my power back.
Power can be used over people in some of the worst ways but power can lift the spirits of those who believe in something better. Please use your power, but use it for the good of all!
Thank you for stopping by my blog and taking the time to read it.
Going back in time if pain lives there can be one of the most difficult things a person would have to do. Some can leave the past in the past and they are ok with that. I envy them for being able to do that. I would guess that the majority of us can’t. When it comes to our childhoods though the circumstances vary from person to person and even from one sibling to another, not a single one of us grows into adulthood without some scrapes to our tender emotions. No parent is perfect. There is always some measure of dysfunction carried into adulthood. Often it plays out on our own children but those of us who truly love our children can’t possibly imagine inflicting the same pain on them. Sometimes it is an unconscious impulse. Then there is regret and an attempt to make a repair with our child. If we don’t want our childhoods played out on our children then there is much work to be done on ourselves. Yes therapy…….. the length or severity of trauma will dictate how much effort we need to put forth to clear the pain of our past. It’s the brave who go back and do the work. It’s the ones who truly love their children that go back and do the work. It’s all of us who want a better life for our children and even a better world. We do the work! It is commendable.
Yesterday was a very difficult EMDR session. If I had a choice to not do it then I would choose not to do it. But I don’t have a choice. My life is deeply effected by what I went through. The positive in going back is exposing the perpetrator for what they are… selfish sick depraved horrible beings that dare grace the term human.
The start of my session was kept light. Although talking about the senseless shooting in Orlando was not exactly light talk. I think we as human beings have to talk and express our feelings when these sort of things happen. It affects us all on a very deep human level. My prayers go out to all the family and friends of the victims. Their life will never seem the same. It breaks my heart to know that there are all these, me first people, who think that they are better than others somehow because of their choices in life and they take it a step further and do harm to those they feel are somehow lower than them. They really are the low ones. There judgements are tainted by prejudice.
Now to get back to my session. I started a target memory last week. My therapist says, why don’t we stick with that memory until it is finished. That means taking all the charge off the memory so that it is just a memory with out the pain or negative ideas that I believed about myself that just were not true. That’s how emdr works. So I first watched her hands with my eyes causing the rapid eye movement and I could feel the powerful thoughts and feelings welling up in me and lo and behold, the water works started. I worked at that memory intensely all the while being cheered on by my therapist. Her compassionate guidance made such a difference. She would say, Linda I know you can do this. It was one of the many rape experiences from my childhood at the hands of my father. She had me tell him whatever I wanted to tell him without restriction. I yelled at him. I called him a liar and a manipulator. I even said that I hated him, though I am not sure that I meant it. She was giving me some ideas of what I could say and even do to him which helped but I found the courage to say my own words. I gave those words power and I threw those emotional darts at him with that power. It was power that I really did not believe I had. The tears of pain fell from my eyes like waterfalls. I thought it would never stop. Of course it did. I probably have a lot more crying to do but for just this day I had accomplished a lot. I was proud of myself and grateful to my therapist for seeing the strength in me and drawing it out. It did not kill me to do this and I am here to fight yet another day.
Max is chasing a very large mouse in my house. Clearly it’s not a mole, I hate those things, and clearly it’s not a rat. However it is a big fat mouse. I saw it as it hurried by with Max just behind him and closing in. The mouse ran from one end of the wall to the couch with Max on his tail until Max smacked head on into the back of the couch. He was to big to fit. My husband first saw this pest in the bathroom as I heard him scream like a girl. It was hilarious! I am going to keep doors closed for now so that Max does not have to fight with the mouse all throughout the house. I am going to pick up a live mousetrap to try to lure him in with some peanut butter. Actually it could be a girl. By the size if it I would swear it was pregnant. If I catch it I will take it for a little drive and let him free to roam and find a new home. He or she better not find its way back here or send any of its friends knowing I wont kill them. My husband, now that’s a different matter all together. He wants to kill him. Well this is all for now of our mouse in the house saga. I will keep you informed.
It’s such a break sometimes to have an adventure even if it is in your own home. Find ways to laugh and even play. Just because we are adults does not mean we cannot have fun. Especially for those of us who have had their childhood stolen away. Jump in puddles and dance in the rain. Don’t worry about who is watching. They might either be jealous or jump right in to join you. Be free to express your inner child. They’ve been there all along waiting for you to play.
Walls do talk,
though you might not think.
They can tell you things,
that people just can’t see.
They speak volumes,
of history within.
Large or small.
Even walls on places,
that you can only crawl.
Stories of joy and loss.
Stories of horror that defy decent laws.
to tell of great sins.
on the ceiling,
and the floors,
and all the places within.
The secrecy of hearts,
imprinted in this space.
hidden from the face.
The cover of this place,
hides not what the walls can say.
But history is captured,
by those who dare to listen,
to the walls that talk.