I just got back from therapy. I feel very overwhelmed and sad. Through the process of EMDR I got in touch with some of the anger that I had toward my father but could never express. I had the chance today to express that and I could not. How, after all this time, am I still afraid of my father. He’s dead so he would never know if I express anger toward all the horrible things that he did. I suppose it’s just buried deep inside and it going to talk a little time to release it. I am determined……. I will do it. I also got in touch with a tremendous amount of sadness. I talked about feeling completely alone. I felt invisible as a child. I really believed at times that people really did not see me. I also felt as if I was only born to be used by sick twisted people who like to hurt children in the worst ways.
Although today was rough in therapy and I don’t feel so well right, I know that soon I will be free of all this misery. I am determined to get through it all no matter how hard it will be and no matter how bad it makes me feel. The light will get brighter. I am sure of it. I will succeed.
I really don’t know if my family fully understands just how hard it can be to get through the black of night to see the light on the other side. It first takes a tremendous amount of strength to choose to want to get better. When you are in the dark place its like fighting the wind to get out. You have to fight through the despair, fear and the pain. It actually takes seeing some light through the darkness. It could be a tender caring friend or family member. It can even be a spark of excitement for life that tends to come and go with the hope that it will stay someday soon. Just a small measure of hope is all it takes to grow in your heart and breathe a fresh new beginning. What I’ve learned over time is that no matter how hard things get and no matter how dark our lives get there is always a light! It may be dim and it may seem far away at this time, there is this light to reach for. Pay attention. It’s there and although it does seem so far off. It is nevertheless hope. It is hope that I have learned to hold onto with all my might through the storm and raging wind of my life. I have also learned that hope is something that grows stronger the harder we work seeking it out and the harder the grip the stronger it will pull me out of the darkness. Be it ever so dim there is always a light.