I need to take better care of my blog. I have neglected it for quite some time. I need to be more regular. This blog is so important to me. This is a very important subject as so many people have been affected by abuse in one way or another. At times I feel as if child abuse is unforgivable. When these children grow up their pain is not over. Without proper intervention they can suffer a lifetime.
That is partly why I am writing this blog. It’s about validation and having courage enough to speak up and tell our story. Otherwise it gets trapped within the body and causes great emotional distress and this also includes physical symptoms that we might not realize are a result of the abuse. I am learning so much about EMDR and also how trauma affects us in our daily lives. The damages to us are so extensive and to the point at which we don’t realize how it comes out in our lives today and how it affects almost everything we do. It really does affect every single cell in our bodies. Every memory that is not expressed and not allowed to feel the pain stays in our bodies. It can zap our energy from one day to he next. We might have an outburst towards someone or ourselves but not know that they were unintentionally triggered from the past. I have had such experiences. Through the experience of EMDR (Eye Movement Ddesensitization and Reprocessing) I have found freedom from some of my trauma memories. EMDR as it was explained to me by my therapist is taking the charge off the memory and installing a new belief to replace the negative thoughts we have about ourselves as a result of the past and all our maladaptive behavior. I would highly recommend this form of therapy to anyone with trauma, especially complex PTSD.
I wish all who read this peace and happiness!
My heart and soul are always seeking the comfort only a mother can bring. My whole life, I have been wishing for that woman. The one who is like a gentle whisper one moment and capriously transforms herself into a state of absence. I know my mother loved me. I always question what or who caused her to be so different than most mothers. My mother has the softest prettiest voice until it turns on me and I am taken back to the times she felt frozen. I think of the days long ago when I was carried by my mother only to be angrily cast aside and dropped into my crib. I was all alone and screaming because she was closing the door. She took a long time closing the door as if she really wanted me to be freighened because the room was going dark. I remember screaming “Mommy…..Mommy…..Mom…my”. I feared that no worse distress would bring her back to me. I kept banging my head on the crib and crying and crying until I was exhausted. Was she so burdened with children and housework that she could not find the time for me? It makes me really sad even to write that thought
There were times when I was young that I wished I was never born. Really what was the point. Why did they have another child. I could in no way foresee what was to happen to me. Childhood is supposed to be full of joy and wonderment. I suppose there where times when I felt joy. Adults easily forget what that was like. I did not forget. Even now with over half my life gone I still get that feeling of excitement and wonderment when I discover something new. I guess there is a child still crying out to play and to be loved and protected. The greatest thing that I felt that I needed from my mom was to be loved and to be hugged and told that everything is going to be all right. But sadly there was something worse than not having those things. I needed protection from my father. But she failed at that as well.
But no matter what, “I still love you Mom.