Crazy Day

th5PHU5RD4.jpg     Today was Grandparents Day at Trace, my grandsons school. He is in first grade. We had a great time. We saw a slide show  of all the kids in the class. It was so sweet. I took videos of him and pictures and then he confiscated my phone to play with it. He took video of me! I told him that Nana does not want her picture taken but oh well. It made him happy and it was proof that I was there. We built a scarecrow together. Trace is very sweet but very out going. He’s like his Dad. I wouldn’t be a bit surprise if he becomes the class clown. He got that from his Dad too. He got his sweetness from my Daughter Amy, his mommy. It was also book fair week and of course we had to go to the book fair. He picked out a book about the minions and a lego book. He was thrilled and couldn’t  wait to go home and show his mom and dad.  We both had a really good time. Maybe next year his Papa can come too.

I have admit it kinda makes me feel old and I’m not. I am only 56. I don’t look typical for a grandparent but as the years go by I think that I will fit right in.

I had so much to do today. I had gotten a bit over-whelmed  with getting everything done. Its my anxiety. I have generalized anxiety disorder. It just might go away after EMDR is done. That would be amazing. I would love to live my life the way that I am supposed to. I want to feel more joy and excitement in my life. I also want to feel safe out there. I don’t right now and it takes so much energy for me when I do have to go out. But I get through it and feel proud of myself after.  As I progress through therapy I am sure that I will succeed in the things that I want for my life and the things that I must do. Things that are important to my spiritual growth. I’ll make it.

Linda

 

 

 

 

 

 

VULNERABILITY

thw4blja2mMetaphorically speaking, is it ok to step out into the outside air, the space once not deemed safe? Who or what is out there? What lies beyond the usual and shadowed inner world that smothered my excitement and curiosity. It has also hampered my growth and  even desires. It stole my right to express my gifts. It stole my spirit. It’s not a place that I want to be but I think it is a place that I have to be.  It almost seems as if it’s not my choice. It’s not fair. It’s not even logical. But I have learned that some of my emotions have a disconnect to my mind. Perhaps this is the very reason why I have kept myself imprisoned in this stuck place and unable to move on or out into life.

I have to admit that although it might be scary it can also be thrilling to hold the idea that I can be brave and venture out and really live my life normally. It is also  thrilling to just have a thought that taps into this curiosity. But I know that contemplating and doing are not the same. However both can lead to an understanding and even  change.  I know that I shouldn’t  be so  hard on myself because this only causes me more internal torment.  Just thinking about it all for now is ok because it’s a sign of growth.  Why is it that I choose to play it safe. It’s not just  fear of what I know but also the unknown.. To open the door is a start in the right direction. I can just breathe the air and experience it all in my own time. The only time limit is the one that I place on myself. My ambivalence is my handicap. It and only it decides to be brave or cower in the shadows of others  Others have expectations that can echo in my head and weight on my minds fragile vulnerabilities.  Choice provides me a chance to ignore what others expect and to begin to trust in myself.  Life can be good to this I know but trusting in this goodness and trust in others will propel me forward to meaningful and lasting success. I want and deserve it. Everyone deserves it.

Linda

 

 

A NOTE TO MY INNER CHILD

th27s2edno
My inner child,
where have you gone?
So deep inside.
So deep that,
I hardly hear your cries.

Days go by and weeks and years.
Nothing to say.
Just the aftermath of your fears.
And my heart cast a light,
to your invisible tears.

You bear the pain of long ago,
and send wisdom to my thoughts.
Nothing lost.
But was there a gain?

The chains that hold you,
to my core.
Cast not fear,
but beauty I adore.
I send admiration to the heart,
in hopes that our bond will never part.

Though your  memories,
seem blind to my face.
I feel your pain,
and dreadful ache.

You lack the love,
of a warm embrace,
while dwelling in a darkened space.
You’re not real,
though some may think.
But I know your alive.
For you always send a spark,
to my creative eyes.

Deep and deeper,
are soul does fill.
I know way down inside,
there is no one,
to break our will.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             deepKnowing I know of a time,
yes we both agree,
that this crime has stolen your,
connection  to me.

I know you dwell
deep within lost  chambers.
Perhaps in my heart.
But our memories,
 won’t always live in the dark!

Is this a black hole,
to swallow my soul?
No!
I think it not to be so.

Your playfulness is pure,
despite the unkindness shown.
It flows by inspiration to my heart.
A spark of creative invention.
So keen and sharp.

Together we express,
our intention to the world.
Through my eyes,
and through my art,
we prove a bond.
that dwells deep within the heart.

It may be a hug or a listen
or perhaps
a lesson revisited.
So I say again,
to your pain I shall attend.

In all stages of growth,
our spirit is weak.
But for only a day.
Together we’ll take your pain go away.
Instead in still,
a right to play.

I know your quiet ways,
and yet you can be wild,
as all children get,
and sometimes,
cause a problem,
that you never meant.
But with a smile,
you cast a joyful light
upon my night,
and in my dreams.

What a beautiful sight!

 Your curiosity,
and discoveries of truth,
cast a rainbow over my fountain of youth.
I return to my life filled,
with joy and spirit,
knowing at any time,
I can turn within and revisit.

Linda Booth

 

 

PURE FEAR!

I was like this in the beginningthietizjhn 

When I am on my way to therapy I sometimes anticipate what is going to be discussed or what issue we will work on. So I do go to therapy with a measure of anxiety. Its kind of like fear of the unknown. But I have become braver than I have ever been before. Today’s therapy challenged my ability to be brave and have courage. In fact I don’t say it very much to myself, but I was proud of myself.

Intense fear like no other fear that I have ever felt was tapped into through EMDR. I don’t know how I was able to sit there with all this fear inside. As we progressed through the EMDR my fear increased with each set of eye movements to the point that it actually made me nauseous. I did feel that fight or flight mode and there was a moment when I wanted to run out of there but I was able to stick with it no matter how difficult it would be. I know that I needed to sit there in my body and feel the emotions and the physical sensations. This is part of the process of EMDR.  If I am ever going to purge the past and learn from those maladaptive behaviors that interfere and cause difficulty in my adult life then I have to push through it. Giving up will only hold me back from improving my life and state of mind. I have goals. I was taught to hold on to those goals sad or afraid, no matter what I have to keep reaching for that goal. Whatever it takes.
th7fu0xylgThis is what Rachel, My therapist said today, “I am Great.  that  is how I felt when I left to go home!!!

I wont discuss right now in this post of the memories that were brought to light as well as the fear. I will however, include it in a future post as I feel it is important if it validates my readers who may have had similar issues.

I would absolutely recommend EMDR!thbx4yt99y

Linda

Metaphoric Puzzle

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I have therapy tomorrow.  I am usually ok during the time between therapy sessions. I may sometimes get triggered. That’s a given because I have PTSD. But there are times when I feel lost in my emotions. At times it is hard to see through the pain. You know, see with my mind, my thoughts because feeling lost in emotion is the lack of understanding. Often it seems that their just is no logic to what I am feeling. But there is logic that is so hidden from my reality that I am just overcome with emotions that are very hard to express. It’s almost like I have to say, “it… is…. what it is” and sometimes there isn’t an answer. I am confident that in time I will understand. I am right smack in the middle of this therapy (EMDR). I am confused about a lot of things which is understandable at this point in time .  I know as I said before, that I need to trust the process and try to be patient.. It’s hard because I have been dealing with these issues for a very long time.  It can be incredibly frustrating for me to be patient as I want it over with like yesterday!

I am afraid to tell my therapist that I had such a difficult week. If I say that I have been depressed all of this week and deeply sad as well, she might pull back for a while until I feel better. I understand it to be the right decision on her part if that is in fact what she would do. It will be hard to wait it all out. But I want to keep the process going and be brave and push through it all. Its easier said than done. I have been there  before and I know what it feels like to have a set back.

I will be ok because I won’t give up. I have learned so much about my self and how and why I might behave a certain way  while discussing trauma from the past and even in my everyday life. Every once in a while  I have a “light bulb” moment and say wow so that is why I  behave that way. It all makes sense when you start to put the pieces of the puzzle together. When I am building an actual puzzle, its hard work but the reward is seeing the whole picture without the missing pieces. Some may be able to put their puzzle together quickly and there are some of us who need to go slower and really think about the process our process.  Metaphorically speaking our puzzles are being  worked on through out our lives.  Sometimes pieces go missing or pieces are damaged. So we might have some setbacks in the process of building this puzzle.. But we all have the potential to see the full reward of having all the pieces in place and see how beautiful we have become.