I have therapy tomorrow. I am usually ok during the time between therapy sessions. I may sometimes get triggered. That’s a given because I have PTSD. But there are times when I feel lost in my emotions. At times it is hard to see through the pain. You know, see with my mind, my thoughts because feeling lost in emotion is the lack of understanding. Often it seems that their just is no logic to what I am feeling. But there is logic that is so hidden from my reality that I am just overcome with emotions that are very hard to express. It’s almost like I have to say, “it… is…. what it is” and sometimes there isn’t an answer. I am confident that in time I will understand. I am right smack in the middle of this therapy (EMDR). I am confused about a lot of things which is understandable at this point in time . I know as I said before, that I need to trust the process and try to be patient.. It’s hard because I have been dealing with these issues for a very long time. It can be incredibly frustrating for me to be patient as I want it over with like yesterday!
I am afraid to tell my therapist that I had such a difficult week. If I say that I have been depressed all of this week and deeply sad as well, she might pull back for a while until I feel better. I understand it to be the right decision on her part if that is in fact what she would do. It will be hard to wait it all out. But I want to keep the process going and be brave and push through it all. Its easier said than done. I have been there before and I know what it feels like to have a set back.
I will be ok because I won’t give up. I have learned so much about my self and how and why I might behave a certain way while discussing trauma from the past and even in my everyday life. Every once in a while I have a “light bulb” moment and say wow so that is why I behave that way. It all makes sense when you start to put the pieces of the puzzle together. When I am building an actual puzzle, its hard work but the reward is seeing the whole picture without the missing pieces. Some may be able to put their puzzle together quickly and there are some of us who need to go slower and really think about the process our process. Metaphorically speaking our puzzles are being worked on through out our lives. Sometimes pieces go missing or pieces are damaged. So we might have some setbacks in the process of building this puzzle.. But we all have the potential to see the full reward of having all the pieces in place and see how beautiful we have become.