Metaphorically speaking, is it ok to step out into the outside air, the space once not deemed safe? Who or what is out there? What lies beyond the usual and shadowed inner world that smothered my excitement and curiosity. It has also hampered my growth and even desires. It stole my right to express my gifts. It stole my spirit. It’s not a place that I want to be but I think it is a place that I have to be. It almost seems as if it’s not my choice. It’s not fair. It’s not even logical. But I have learned that some of my emotions have a disconnect to my mind. Perhaps this is the very reason why I have kept myself imprisoned in this stuck place and unable to move on or out into life.
I have to admit that although it might be scary it can also be thrilling to hold the idea that I can be brave and venture out and really live my life normally. It is also thrilling to just have a thought that taps into this curiosity. But I know that contemplating and doing are not the same. However both can lead to an understanding and even change. I know that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself because this only causes me more internal torment. Just thinking about it all for now is ok because it’s a sign of growth. Why is it that I choose to play it safe. It’s not just fear of what I know but also the unknown.. To open the door is a start in the right direction. I can just breathe the air and experience it all in my own time. The only time limit is the one that I place on myself. My ambivalence is my handicap. It and only it decides to be brave or cower in the shadows of others Others have expectations that can echo in my head and weight on my minds fragile vulnerabilities. Choice provides me a chance to ignore what others expect and to begin to trust in myself. Life can be good to this I know but trusting in this goodness and trust in others will propel me forward to meaningful and lasting success. I want and deserve it. Everyone deserves it.