I am lost in my own pool of reflection. The image is not clear. I want to wipe it but it would not clean up. I feel like it’s a fluid image and its pooling on the floor. I can not lift my image off the floor for its to heavy and the floor is slippery. It just splashes down. I want to help it but it wont co-operate with me. So ok here I am and everywhere I turn this impossible image of me just wants to pool on the floor. Is this what it all comes down to just a lifeless barely visible fluid image. The sun is shining and people are walking all over me. It brings a new meaning to the old door mat clique. I am trying so hard to move about my life with this reflection of my image right behind me trailing along .Will I fall through the cracks of life and disappear? Is this a pleasant state to be in. I think not but perhaps for now it is only what it is.
I am sad…………………..I am just supposed to be with it. I am supposed to just let it go. It all sounds so easy right? It’s not at all easy just sitting with the sadness. It sure would be nice right now to have a mother figure. I told my therapist that there is one thing that I was waiting for from my mom. I wanted her to hold me and tell me that it all was going to be alright. What does it feel like to have a mothers embrace? Is it different from with other family members? I think its different. There is this special mother-daughter bond that can not be duplicated. I know with my daughters that it’s a very special energy that transfers. I am not sure that I ever felt that from my mom……………but I am glad that I gave it to my daughters. So where did it come from? How did I know? I learned by watching. I would watch people in other families and how they acted and thought, “maybe that is what my family life is supposed to look like”. If I scream at the top of my lungs……I don’t think my mom would answer all the way down from Tennessee. I remember calling out to her as a child just to be picked up but my cries went unheard. I felt that I was not important enough for her to love me. I wasn’t pretty enough for her to love me. I wasn’t smart enough for her to love me. Perhaps in her eyes I was a complete disappointment. I must have been just a bother to her. Did she take any joy in dressing me up or playing with me.
WHAT WENT WRONG? I WANT TO KNOW? YES I AM SHOUTING THIS OUT LOUD AND IT FEELS GOOD. So anyways, I am left with this gaping hole that I can never seem to fill. How will I move on with my life not really ever having all the affection that I was supposed to have? What do I fill that empty hole with.? My husband didn’t fill it. My daughters didn’t fill it. My siblings didn’t fill it. My friends couldn’t fill it. Whats left. Why do I feel so awful. Perhaps it’s when I feel really happy and fulfilled in my life today. If that’s the case than there really isn’t any more room for mom. I answered all of my own questions.
Mommy I want a teddy bear. I am supposed to have one. All the other little girls have one. I’ve been waiting my whole life mommy. A teddy bear should be given from a mother to comfort her child when she is scared or sad………………………….I need you now.
I know that the title of this post sounds like it has a negative attitude but that’s not the way I meant it. I mean it to express my feelings in this particular moment in time. To some it could mean that I am board with each passing day and have a pessimistic attitude. Still others can look at it from the opposite emotional spectrum. This how I meant it. What I meant is that I should show no fear today for it is just another ordinary day. I have had some incredible days and experiences and some were good, some were very good and some scared me right out of my pants. I think that I just need an ordinary day. Honestly it’s not that I did not enjoy remarkable things but a person can take only just so much of that. I have to admit that my feelings are frazzled as well as my mind. I love to explore new things and ideas but I know that I must be careful of what I am exploring. My curiosity seems to drive me in so many directions all at the same time. Talk about over-whelming!
In reality I am just hiding from my feelings of pain and loss. It’s like a took a vacation from feeling bad. I explored things that would bring so much excitement and chill factor. It caused a rush of adrenaline at times. It was euphoric at times. I suppose that I would not like to feel that way all the time because eventually the euphoric feeling would lose its intensity and power. I can visit these places in my mind again but I really need to stop backing away from the real issues right in front of me. How do you describe an enormous amount of pain that really can’t be explained in words? It’s there, its real but at this time I cannot explain it. Where do I go from here. I cant keep running from it. Its like a monster that is chasing me and so far I seem to be just out of its reach and safe. How do I turn around and face it when I don’t even know or fully understand what “it” is. I am so confused. At IOP they want me to try to talk about and to release some of the pain in a heathy way and in a healthy enviroment. This sounds very logical but to me its fear of vulnerability. I have been in that situation of being vulnerable all the time when I was a child. I had to sort-of run from it because it meant immediate pain. I know its different now and my mind can come to this logical conclusion but now its vulnerability that feels old and familiar like when I was little and that is what frightens me. I want to feel safe in group but I can never seem to let my guard down. It would take great strength in breaking down my defenses. Oh well, I will do my best!
Well today is Saturday and the third day after that whole Wednesday incident. I was able to share in group Friday what I wrote in my post. I thought people would look at me strange or snicker. However, when I read the post you could have heard a pin drop. Once I was done they began to share similar experiences. That was so reassuring. That’s the magic of group therapy. The support has been amazing. This IOP stay has been really encouraging for me thus far. I do however, miss my therapist. The therapist from IOP tried to get me to talk about all that pain that caused me to feel that I needed the cough medicine. But could not do that. Clearly I was not ready.
I know that at my last session with my therapist before IOP, I was encouraged to do the very same thing. She never pressures me into opening up. It is always my choice. I am not sure why I can’t get in touch with the powerful feelings that have been so trapped inside for so long. Given the fact that they have been there so long, it makes sense that it would take time and a lot of trust to open the wound and release the memories that cause me so much pain now. I know each time I process a memory that I am assured some measure of pain. I don’t think its trust in others, though, that’s important but I really think it’s about the ability to trust myself. I need to believe in my own ability to let go and rise with the storm of feelings and then come out the other side proud that I succeeded.
If I can sit with myself in the silence and get in touch with that pain and really get myself to think about it in as much depth as possible, I might just have the power to let go.
There is a measure of fear that when the time comes I wont be alone. I can look at that as an embarrassing thing or I can look at it as being validated for something that has been kept invisible for a very long time. We all need that. Validation Is huge among survivors of childhood trauma. Back in our childhoods we might not have gotten that. In fact for some they may not have been believed. How horrible is that. There might not have been someone who could give comfort. Now today, there are many people out there in the world that will take the time to listen because they may have experienced something very similar and they know from a personal perspective what that can truly be like. So in this exchange of conversation each person will validate the other. There are people who really truly care. All we have to do is open up. Releasing the same kind of pain can be different for everyone but the comfort that comes from deep inside is given because they know how you feel.
I want to follow the theme of my very own blog which is “be brave and find your voice”!
Thursday I felt the cold medicine still in my system. I laid around all day to rest from the whole ordeal of Wednesday. Like I said in my last post I had so much regret. I did not tell my husband. I did not tell my girls. I could just hear my oldest, the psychology student say, “Mom”. I really did not want to hear any lectures from any of them. I also did not want to burden them with this. They have their own lives to live. They do not need to have fears about mom and whether she is safe or not from day-to-day. So I kept what happened all to my self. I also pray that it will never happen again. That decision is in my hands.
The pain that caused me to go and buy cold medicine is still there. In fact I still did feel numb for quite sometime after. That feeling finally lifted today. While I am still depressed today I have a written a safety plan and its in a good place in my house so I can see it if I ever get a rush of emotions like what happened Wednesday.
I know that those of us who suffer from mental illness and pasts traumas have to have a safety plan in place just in case we ever get that desperate. Hopefully we can turn to a more healthier and positive choice to cope. I know that there are times when my mood is so out of control that I want to reach for anything to kill the pain. This is where the safety plan comes in because it has important phone numbers to family or friends and even other resources that we can call. We might forget what to do when we are in this emotional state. It also has a list to why I want to stay alive and why I want to die. Its like weighing the pros and cons of the situation. It also contains a list of things that we can do that will soothe us and calm ourselves down. Once that happens it is easier to find a coping skill that will really work for us.
I am being encouraged in the group to start to talk about those painful things that always get me in trouble. I get what they are saying but I would rather just go back to my therapist and work it all out. I am determined to work harder in therapy in order to process this painful stuff that is sitting in my gut. Only then will I never have to run to a mal-adaptive way to kill the pain and suffering that is only felt inside. It’s by getting it out because this will free me from my fathers chains. It might not be his chains but instead it may be the ones that I have placed on myself in the past to keep it all in.
I have lived a good chunk of my life feeling weighed down by my past. I want to feel lighter. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
I made the decision on my own to call the counseling center and get an intake for iop(Intensive Out-Patient Program). Its three times a week for three hours. I was so proud of advocating for myself. I have never done that before. Perhaps its a sign of growth. I knew that I needed a break. Yes, I was a little afraid to tell my therapist because I though that she might be disappointed in me. I texted her about it and she said she was in agreement with my decision. That made me feel better. Trauma work is not a race. Everyone has their own speed in healing. We are all different.
I started last Wednesday. I was so nervous the first day. Actually its very normal and common to feel that way. After all I am going in there not knowing anyone. Even some of the therapists have changed. I tried to come off calm but I was shaking so bad inside. I hope it didn’t show.
I know that I have to do some work on myself while I am there but I am not sure what that is going to be. I don’t want to cry in front of the whole group. I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I have a hard enough time crying in front of my therapist. I don’t know how the trapped pain that I have inside is going to come if ever, but I don’t want to break down that way.
The inside deep down pain that is at my core is too much for me to handle alone. I think I would be even more sacred to let it out. Chances are that no one would be around. When I am sad I don’t like feeling alone. The truth is by keeping it all inside I am alone. No one truly knows what it is like but I know that I can not hold onto this mass of painful energy for much longer. To be honest I am scared. I want the freedom from this and yet I fear it.