I feel sad today. It’s very painful for the lack of a better word. After my two first children were born and began to get older and out of that baby stage I felt that maternal yearning again. I saw babies everywhere. I wanted one too. Its been 11 years since my last. I feared that it was impossible but I was wrong. I prayed and prayed and prayed and 10 weeks later I found out that I was pregnant. I could not believe that it was really real. The doctor said if you doubt me lets take a look. I had an ultra-sound and saw my tiny little baby inside. I left the doctors office on a emotional high. The first thing that I did was to go and buy a special blanket. I also could not resist that little stuffed lamb sitting all alone on the shelf. I picked it up and had to buy it. I knew it was the one, you know, the one. The one that the baby clings to when you are away or its time for sleep.
This baby that I prayed for grew up fast. Too fast. Her childhood had some bumps along the way like most kids but for the most part it was peaceful, happy and rewarding. Until one day in her late teens she decided that she was bigger and better than I am. She began treating me disrtespectully. I know thats a teenage thing right! Well some how or some way she formed a partern of treating me like a door mat. To anyone who knows what thqt feels like, its horrible. When its my own child, emotionaly speaking, it cut like a kniffe. I felt the pain very deep. I did everything that she wanted. When she asked for something I was right there to give it her. “Mom wheres my tan skirt”, or “Mom what did you do with all my stuff”. It was partly my fault for not standing up with my parental right and stop it right then in there. Why I didnt I dont know. Its going to take some unraveling to get the proper perpective and understanding of what went wrong. It got triggered today in therapy and I have had the hardest time to calm down from this. There is still a lot of work to do between my dear Crystal and me. It is possible that this memory triggered something much deeper in me and that is why its so hard to calm down from it and move on.
I WONT GIVE UP processing all this stuff until it is a resolved.