“I DONT KNOW MY NAME”

There’s this song by Grace Vanderwaal,  the winner of Americas Got Talent that has inspired me, no, it lit a fire inside me. She writes her own songs, music and lyrics and she is only twelve years old. She writes with the maturity of an adult. She writes from her heart and sings from her heart. She won Americas heart even before she began to sing for her audition. She is the type of person who lights up a room with her presence. I felt that when she was singing her original song,  “I don’t know my name”,  it rang true for  me.  I totally get what she means. Well now everyone all over the world knows her name. “I don’t play by the rules of the game……. I’m just trying……trying to find my way.” She is so humble and honest. Like Simon Cowell said,  she does not hide behind gimmicks.” She is authentic, the real thing.

What happens to us when someone inspires us. It stirs our emotions. It can be a motivating source for change in our own lives. I feel change. I fear change. But its going to happen. Life is what we make it so people often say. I feel like I am at a cross-road in my life.  Really,  I know I have had many of them.  There were many twists and turns. Sometimes I got lost but now,  ” I am just trying to be found in an ocean of people.”   There were those who reached out their hand to help but I am stubborn and like my Mom use to say,  “Linda,  you always want to do things your way.”  I wont let people fit me into some mold. I no longer live for others expectations of me. I live for myself,  “I chose the road less traveled by and it has made all the difference.” (Robert Frost)  That does not mean that I didn’t have any obstacles. Life puts all kinds of seemingly impossible walls in our way. To stay behind those walls prevents us from moving toward something better. In fact, as a child growing up in a dysfunctional family,  I built my own walls to keep me safe but they became a hindrance to finding out who I really am. My dad once said, “your mother and I had a beautiful baby girl that we named Linda.” Did he name me or did my mom? I think he did. Linda is a Spanish word meaning beautiful. Maybe that’s why he said what he did. He must have known what my name meant. I hold onto what he said because it was something nice in a sea of pain. I’m sure he meant it but his love for me was not the kind that it should have been and he hurt me in the worst way that a child could experience. Despite the fact that there was so much negative energy in my house when I was a child I always felt this spark of energy within but I did not know what it was for. So what do I do with those nice things that he said and did when I was young. I don’t think he realized that he was the one to smother that spark I felt inside.   What do I do with that spark now? It’s still there and he is dead and can not smother it anymore. What am I to make of that spark inside. What does it mean. If feels like light. My best guess is that it was given to me by my heavenly father as a gift. But what is my gift. Who was I supposed to become before all the horrid experience from the past. Who am I now. I want to know.  But, “now I know my name.”  So what is my purpose. What is it that I am supposed to do. But I know for sure that this twelve-year-old little girl had inspired me to do something with my gift. She inspired that spark to ignite. Is it to last or will quickly blow out. Do I believe in myself? Do I believe that what ever I do can make a difference in the world. Time will tell. But until then I will not let that spark go out.

thjznz6sl0

This is what the spark feels like inside. I know I was meant to do something beautiful.

 

 

Linda


8 thoughts on ““I DONT KNOW MY NAME”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s