IOP again for a bit of rest

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I made the decision on my own to call the counseling center and get an intake for iop(Intensive Out-Patient Program). Its three times a week for three hours. I was so proud of advocating for myself. I have never done that before. Perhaps its a sign of growth.  I knew that I needed a break. Yes,  I was a little afraid to tell my therapist because I though that she might be disappointed in me. I texted her about it and she said she was in agreement with my decision.  That made me feel better. Trauma work is not a race. Everyone has their own speed in healing. We are all different.

I started last Wednesday. I was so nervous the first day. Actually its very normal and common to feel that way.  After all I am going in there not knowing anyone. Even some of the therapists have changed. I tried to come off calm but I was shaking so bad inside. I hope it didn’t show.

I know that I have to do some work on myself while I am there but I am not sure what that is going to be. I don’t want to cry in front of the whole group. I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I have a hard enough time crying in front of my therapist.  I don’t know how the trapped pain that I have inside is going to come if ever, but I don’t want to break down that way.

The inside deep down pain that is at my core is too much for me to handle alone. I think I would be even more sacred to let it out. Chances are that no one would be around. When I am sad I don’t like feeling alone.  The truth is by keeping it all inside I am alone. No one truly knows what it is like but I know that I can not hold onto this mass of painful energy for much longer. To be honest I am scared. I want the freedom from this and yet I fear it.

Linda


2 thoughts on “IOP again for a bit of rest

  1. I don’t look at it as ‘breaking down’ but rather building up by letting out the pain. It just feels like that. Makes no difference whether it is in front of one or one million, but allowing it up. We are all human after all. You are something that’s for sure, diligent about guiding yourself to what you need. Just amazing.

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