I made the decision on my own to call the counseling center and get an intake for iop(Intensive Out-Patient Program). Its three times a week for three hours. I was so proud of advocating for myself. I have never done that before. Perhaps its a sign of growth. I knew that I needed a break. Yes, I was a little afraid to tell my therapist because I though that she might be disappointed in me. I texted her about it and she said she was in agreement with my decision. That made me feel better. Trauma work is not a race. Everyone has their own speed in healing. We are all different.
I started last Wednesday. I was so nervous the first day. Actually its very normal and common to feel that way. After all I am going in there not knowing anyone. Even some of the therapists have changed. I tried to come off calm but I was shaking so bad inside. I hope it didn’t show.
I know that I have to do some work on myself while I am there but I am not sure what that is going to be. I don’t want to cry in front of the whole group. I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I have a hard enough time crying in front of my therapist. I don’t know how the trapped pain that I have inside is going to come if ever, but I don’t want to break down that way.
The inside deep down pain that is at my core is too much for me to handle alone. I think I would be even more sacred to let it out. Chances are that no one would be around. When I am sad I don’t like feeling alone. The truth is by keeping it all inside I am alone. No one truly knows what it is like but I know that I can not hold onto this mass of painful energy for much longer. To be honest I am scared. I want the freedom from this and yet I fear it.