Thursday I felt the cold medicine still in my system. I laid around all day to rest from the whole ordeal of Wednesday. Like I said in my last post I had so much regret. I did not tell my husband. I did not tell my girls. I could just hear my oldest, the psychology student say, “Mom”. I really did not want to hear any lectures from any of them. I also did not want to burden them with this. They have their own lives to live. They do not need to have fears about mom and whether she is safe or not from day-to-day. So I kept what happened all to my self. I also pray that it will never happen again. That decision is in my hands.
The pain that caused me to go and buy cold medicine is still there. In fact I still did feel numb for quite sometime after. That feeling finally lifted today. While I am still depressed today I have a written a safety plan and its in a good place in my house so I can see it if I ever get a rush of emotions like what happened Wednesday.
I know that those of us who suffer from mental illness and pasts traumas have to have a safety plan in place just in case we ever get that desperate. Hopefully we can turn to a more healthier and positive choice to cope. I know that there are times when my mood is so out of control that I want to reach for anything to kill the pain. This is where the safety plan comes in because it has important phone numbers to family or friends and even other resources that we can call. We might forget what to do when we are in this emotional state. It also has a list to why I want to stay alive and why I want to die. Its like weighing the pros and cons of the situation. It also contains a list of things that we can do that will soothe us and calm ourselves down. Once that happens it is easier to find a coping skill that will really work for us.
I am being encouraged in the group to start to talk about those painful things that always get me in trouble. I get what they are saying but I would rather just go back to my therapist and work it all out. I am determined to work harder in therapy in order to process this painful stuff that is sitting in my gut. Only then will I never have to run to a mal-adaptive way to kill the pain and suffering that is only felt inside. It’s by getting it out because this will free me from my fathers chains. It might not be his chains but instead it may be the ones that I have placed on myself in the past to keep it all in.
I have lived a good chunk of my life feeling weighed down by my past. I want to feel lighter. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!