I am sad…………………..I am just supposed to be with it. I am supposed to just let it go. It all sounds so easy right? It’s not at all easy just sitting with the sadness. It sure would be nice right now to have a mother figure. I told my therapist that there is one thing that I was waiting for from my mom. I wanted her to hold me and tell me that it all was going to be alright. What does it feel like to have a mothers embrace? Is it different from with other family members? I think its different. There is this special mother-daughter bond that can not be duplicated. I know with my daughters that it’s a very special energy that transfers. I am not sure that I ever felt that from my mom……………but I am glad that I gave it to my daughters. So where did it come from? How did I know? I learned by watching. I would watch people in other families and how they acted and thought, “maybe that is what my family life is supposed to look like”. If I scream at the top of my lungs……I don’t think my mom would answer all the way down from Tennessee. I remember calling out to her as a child just to be picked up but my cries went unheard. I felt that I was not important enough for her to love me. I wasn’t pretty enough for her to love me. I wasn’t smart enough for her to love me. Perhaps in her eyes I was a complete disappointment. I must have been just a bother to her. Did she take any joy in dressing me up or playing with me.
WHAT WENT WRONG? I WANT TO KNOW? YES I AM SHOUTING THIS OUT LOUD AND IT FEELS GOOD. So anyways, I am left with this gaping hole that I can never seem to fill. How will I move on with my life not really ever having all the affection that I was supposed to have? What do I fill that empty hole with.? My husband didn’t fill it. My daughters didn’t fill it. My siblings didn’t fill it. My friends couldn’t fill it. Whats left. Why do I feel so awful. Perhaps it’s when I feel really happy and fulfilled in my life today. If that’s the case than there really isn’t any more room for mom. I answered all of my own questions.
Mommy I want a teddy bear. I am supposed to have one. All the other little girls have one. I’ve been waiting my whole life mommy. A teddy bear should be given from a mother to comfort her child when she is scared or sad………………………….I need you now.