I know that the title of this post sounds like it has a negative attitude but that’s not the way I meant it. I mean it to express my feelings in this particular moment in time. To some it could mean that I am board with each passing day and have a pessimistic attitude. Still others can look at it from the opposite emotional spectrum. This how I meant it. What I meant is that I should show no fear today for it is just another ordinary day. I have had some incredible days and experiences and some were good, some were very good and some scared me right out of my pants. I think that I just need an ordinary day. Honestly it’s not that I did not enjoy remarkable things but a person can take only just so much of that. I have to admit that my feelings are frazzled as well as my mind. I love to explore new things and ideas but I know that I must be careful of what I am exploring. My curiosity seems to drive me in so many directions all at the same time. Talk about over-whelming!
In reality I am just hiding from my feelings of pain and loss. It’s like a took a vacation from feeling bad. I explored things that would bring so much excitement and chill factor. It caused a rush of adrenaline at times. It was euphoric at times. I suppose that I would not like to feel that way all the time because eventually the euphoric feeling would lose its intensity and power. I can visit these places in my mind again but I really need to stop backing away from the real issues right in front of me. How do you describe an enormous amount of pain that really can’t be explained in words? It’s there, its real but at this time I cannot explain it. Where do I go from here. I cant keep running from it. Its like a monster that is chasing me and so far I seem to be just out of its reach and safe. How do I turn around and face it when I don’t even know or fully understand what “it” is. I am so confused. At IOP they want me to try to talk about and to release some of the pain in a heathy way and in a healthy enviroment. This sounds very logical but to me its fear of vulnerability. I have been in that situation of being vulnerable all the time when I was a child. I had to sort-of run from it because it meant immediate pain. I know its different now and my mind can come to this logical conclusion but now its vulnerability that feels old and familiar like when I was little and that is what frightens me. I want to feel safe in group but I can never seem to let my guard down. It would take great strength in breaking down my defenses. Oh well, I will do my best!