Major Computer and Kitty Crash


I haven’t posted for a few days because I was having major issues with my hp laptop. It’s only a year old. I had so much stored on it. My husband is always telling me to make sure that I save to my flash drive every so often because you never know. I listened most of the time. I tried to start it up to work on a video that I was making and it went to a black screen with the HP logo in the middle. It did not matter what I tried, nothing worked. I kept trying to shut it down and boot up again but the same thing kept happening.  I was crushed. I love my computer and I had everything set up just the way that I liked it.

I turned to YouTube videos to try to find out if anyone had tutorials on how to fix this problem on my model of hp. I found a few and fiddled with the ideas that they gave me using function keys at the same time that I pressed the on button and I got to a screen that gave me options on how to fix the problem. I had to return the computer to factory settings.  I had to start all over again. I lost windows 10 that I got for free.  I have to say though that I had a lot of issues with windows 10 that I did not have with 8.

Well its back up and running and here I am writing which is one of my most favorite things to do.  Ah…. no,  I am not writing  anymore because Mr. Max,  aka. Maxwell, aka. boo-boos on a count the fact that he has a wide perfectly shaped white marking on his back left leg that looks like his leg is bandaged, decided that he needed me.  Well if he is not the center of attention he gets in front of you and makes himself the center of attention. So here I was sitting quietly by myself on the loveseat in the living room on a cold winter afternoon writing a post for my blog and excited over the fact that my computer is working….still, when Max leaped into my lap and somehow deleted what I had typed and the laptop fell over onto the floor as Max took its place on my lap and demanded attention. I looked at him angrily at first and well he’s to darn cute, need I say more. He began throwing his paws at my face as if to say well aren’t you going to pet me mommy? I’m always a sucker for pets and babies. Yes, of course I snuggled with him for a while. Each moment that I thought our session of affection was over, he started to throw the paws again. He won. But I had a trick up my sleeve, actually it’s a treat. He goes nuts over these things.  It worked so maybe I won?

Well anyways, enough about my  spoiled little brat.  Actually my daughter Crystal when she was little always did the same thing only she did not throw her paws at me…haha.  Yah I gave into her too.

I am sick today. I feel miserable and my husband is at home and laughing at the way that I sound. I’m like, its a cold, what do you expect me sound like.” Have a little sympathy for me my dear husband”. All he can say to me is stay away from me “sicky”. I mean really, when he is sick he expects me to take care of him. Men sometimes don’t have a clue on what their supposed to do. But I love him……he’s a good man. A bit of a brat but hes a good man.

Last but not least, I had my first session back with my EMDR therapist after leaving IOP. I think it went very well. We did not do any processing of memories but we just talked about the time I spent at IOP and what was helpful about being there.  She is an awesome therapist and I feel lucky to have found her. She has this fun side to her that always puts me at ease. She is somewhat personable which makes opening up to her feel easier and safe.

Gifts can come from the most unlikely places sometimes. I am so very grateful!





“Oh The Places You’ll Go”


Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself,
any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look ’em over with care.
About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.”
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you’re too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any,
you’ll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you’ll head straight out of town.

It’s opener there,
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen,
and frequently do,
to people as brainy,
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don’t worry. Don’t stew.
Just go right along.
You’ll start happening too.


You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers,
who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed.
You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you’ll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’ t
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so,
but, sadly, it’s true,
that Hang-ups,                                                                                                                                                    and Bang-ups,                                                                                                                                                 can happen to you.

You can get all hung up,
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch,
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump,
you’re not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself,
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!

Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?


And if you go in, should you turn left or right…
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused,
that you’ll start in to race,
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace,
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space.
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…

…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go,
or a bus to come, or a plane to go,
or the mail to come, or the rain to go,
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow,
or waiting around for a Yes or a No,
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite,
or waiting for wind to fly a kite,
or waiting around for Friday night,
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake,
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break,
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants,
or a wig with curls,

or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

That’s not for you!

Somehow you’ll escape,
all that waiting and staying.
You’ll find the bright places,
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you’ll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball,
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t.
Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times,
you’ll play lonely games too.
Games you can’t win
’cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something,
you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance,
you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.

There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go,
though the weather be foul.
On you will go,
though your enemies prowl.
On you will go,
though the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many,
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore,
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike,
and I know you’ll hike far,
and face up to your problems,
whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You’ll get mixed up,
with many strange birds as you go.

So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life’s
a Great Balancing Act.

Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And you will succeed,

Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)


be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray,
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O’Shea,
you’re off to Great Places!

Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!”


Still Waiting


I am still working on finding the puzzle pieces to my life that truly fit in hopes to find out who I really am and what my purpose is.

It takes great strength to be patient in any kind of process. Sometime waiting can feel like its taking forever. Sometimes waiting can take a whole lifetime. It can make a difference in how much we will allow the process to take. When it comes to dealing with trauma from our pasts life can seem so incomplete. I think it is like a piece of driftwood floating down a river with no certainty of when or where it will stop.  However long it takes, we do have choices in how to go about it and to stand up to those that have caused us so much harm and scared our life forever.  Yet we do come to realize in time that those scares are just the battle wounds that help us tell our story. Some people don’t even know that they have any choices or that they even have a voice that will make a difference in the quality of their life.

I know for myself that if I keep on running from my feelings it will stretch out the time it will take to heal. I think I have caused myself more pain than I needed to. If only I had realized what was happening to me. For a long time I was lost and I did not even know what it was that I was running from. But when I finally did become more aware, a big chunk of my life had already passed by. When we are young we seem to think time goes on forever. But before long we begin to realize how valuable it is to make good use of our time. Yet,  in some cases we are so caught up in surviving the aftermath of what we went through that it already has stolen precious time that we could have been doing something different with our life.

I hope in time, that my blog and others like it will find those people who really don’t realize that they have a voice to speak out about what happened to them as a child and know that others will listen. In this way they can begin to heal. I feel so bad for those who have died and never really had a chance to live because of sick twisted people who seem to have no concept of the life long damage that they cause.  But for all those precious people out their who are now suffering, yes there is hope and you can heal and get your life back.






I am feeling very tired from the emotional rollercoaster that I have been on. There have been days when I felt like I was on a high. I had hoped that I would not come down from that wonderful feeling. It felt refreshing and encouraging . I should know better because I have felt that way before and have come down from it. But when your mood is up so high you don’t think about the possibility of falling. Usually when I fall, I fall hard!  Healing from past trauma is like that. It’s an ongoing process until we reach the point that it is all resolved in our hearts and minds and no longer has any impact on us. We will always remember but it will seem like something off in the distance and will not have an impact on us today. That’s the goal for me. I live for that day.

Well tomorrow is the last day of IOP.  Even though I know that I am ready to leave, my fears and pain want to stay for it feels safe. I feel safe from the world when I am there and safe from my own impulses to harm myself. I have to fly on my own though as I feel that soon that will be the case in a more complete way as I finish EMDR. I feel emotional today. I feel down. I am just waiting for the next high. I do like rollercoasters because they are thrilling. I love the speed around the corners because it makes me feel so alive. But I avoid them because the drop is so terrifying to me. I feel like I have lost myself much like dissociating and I can’t breathe or feel my heartbeat. It’s a familiar feeling from the past when I was a child and I was being sexually abused. I left my body. I somehow knew that I was still there but not a part of the experience. The rollercoaster sort of gives me that same experience during the drops. What I have been going through lately is so much like the rollercoaster and I am desperately trying to disassociate from it. But that is what I have been doing all along running from the feelings. Facing them could buy me freedom to enjoy the excitement for the thrill and speed of a rollercoaster.  But I won’t fear the drop anymore because I will finally know that although there are going to be moments in my life that will feel like that drop,  they will only be momentary. I will know by then that I have the strength to fight whatever comes my way because I did battle with  the past and won.



Compassion and Support

th9anih102  Today in the second group of IOP we have open therapy. The theme seemed to be addiction. Discussing this difficult disease brought out many tears. Tears are good,  so they keep telling me and for the first time in my life I started to trust in the process. It’s the process of  grieving all my losses and not being afraid to express my sadness .It’s even ok in a group where we all understand because our problems are so similar. Not only the problems but the way that we all deal with them.   Some just shut down, I have known many like this. There are others that use addiction to kill the pain. Some are so distraught that they take their own life. Believe me we all understand that as well. Thank goodness we had intervention when it was needed and it got us through so many  painful times. I am extremely grateful to the group for their support and suggestions and just sitting there listening.

None of this is easy a subject to take on but if we want to be honest with ourselves and others we absolutely need to speak up when we are having a really hard time.. In fact if we are really depressed,  honesty might just save our life. No one can read minds so we need to try to find the strength within ourselves to ask for help.

Well enough of that. It’s a downer. Last group we always fill out this sheet to help guide us with our plans for the weekend. I am planning a surprise for my husband. I want to make his favorite meal. It will be lasagna  and the works. I generally make this dish when all the kids are over as they love it too. It’s such a happy fulfilling dish. Emphasis on the full. It even weights a ton to put it into the oven. I will be making a small one. It’s just going to be the two of us. I still haven’t gotten use to all the down sizing of meals since the girls all moved out. I miss them. I miss being surrounded by happy noise in the house. I even remember sitting in the living  room watching TV and I would turn it down just to hear them breathing and peacefully sleeping.  Its one of the most beautiful sounds a mother can hear.







Woke up early this morning

I woke up very early this morning. It was about three o’clock. Of course my husband started to stir because he gets up very early for work. He gets started at four. I think he somehow thought  cuddling was to lead to sex. It is always hard for me to turn him down. I hate doing that to him. Its been an issue with us for quite some time. Its the PTSD of course that interferes with my ability to get through it. That is supposed to be something beautiful  for two  people who love each other but to me it can at times be torture. I am working hard on being more there for him. Maybe once that I am done with the trauma work things will be very different. Poor guy….he is so patient. I think it is because he really understands.

Well today is Friday and my last IOP for this week. Wednesday I was given permission to go home early. I was to upset and did not want to cause a distraction in the last group. I got home and took a nap. That is always good for me because it gives me some distance from the event that upset me and feeling better. It works almost every time. Well I will write more later.






Yesterday in therapy went pretty well. There was a gradual decline in mood and I wasn’t sure what that was all about until I got home. You know, that panic of releasing tears, that I have been experiencing just let loose and I cried like I have never cried in my entire life. It hurt so bad and in the moment I felt as if it would never stop and that I might stop breathing. That’s not exactly rational thinking but when you are caught up in the moment that is how seems. Just when I thought I was done than more tears got released along with all that old pain.

How does such old pain and fears from a lifetime ago still haunt my everyday. I always wondered that. But I now realize that the damage is like an infection if you don’t take care of it then it  will only get worse and steal even more of your precious time….to heal. I don’t plan on letting this pain prevent me from moving forward in my life. A very nice therapist at group said that I am really making good progress. I see that for myself as well. The panic feelings that keep erupting from deep within that dark place that has seen no light or relief is now  starting to see some light and also a lighter feeling. In fact the more that I cry the lighter I feel. It is hard to be motivated to do anything while carrying around this deep dark pain. The darkness gets placed there by others. It seems very heavy to walk around with this and still try to be motivated in doing something positive in your day. I feel it mostly in my gut It’s not a nice feeling. But I learned through EMDR therapy that when a person has been impacted by some horrible  trauma it affects the entire body. Its like every single cell can be a part of telling my story because all the negative energy is stored in different places if not all of the physical body. The hope for me is to go through the process of releasing memories and taking away that negative energy that gets stored up.

Today started out good as well as yesterday but by the second group something that I didn’t  see coming and did not know would impact me in the way that it did turned out to be a painful trigger.  Normally groups tend to have a topic to discuss that relates to most of the people in the group and that’s  great because they are able to interact with each other by sharing their stories and they can learn from each other or just support the person who is talking. That is the magic of group therapy.  Well I felt so out-of-place in this particular group because these girls are dealing with break-ups. So at first I just though that its ok, I really don’t fit in this group and have no place saying anything because I don’t really relate to how they feel. But that was all fine for I could just sit in the group and just listen. But then about halfway through something got triggered in me. A feeling of not belonging and I felt as if I was just disappearing into the wall behind my seat. In other words I felt invisible just has I did as a child. I know that I am ok now and that I am not invisible but I was scared when I began to feel that. I kept talking to myself and saying don’t cry now it would be very bad timing as I did not want to be a distraction from others who are speaking in the group. I contemplated getting up and leaving the room and just take a break in the common area. I agonized over whether I was going to get up or not. I was beginning to cry and I did not want anyone to see. I felt that  panic. When I am in a panic I tend to run. I did not do that this time. I felt that the right thing to do was to  take a break and to try to calm down because I did not want to be a distraction to those in the group. I don’t  like even seeming rude or selfish. I think that is why a chose to leave. A therapist came out to talk to me. It was difficult for me to talk because I felt so raw and over-whelmed with emotion but I also know through experience that it does help to have support from others and that can be reassuring that I am going to be ok.