Is it time to let go of the past. Is that the moment at which healing begins. I sometimes wonder if I wasted so many years of my life in the attempts to move on. I always thought I was moving in the right direction. As long as I made an effort to work through painful memories, it was progress. But it never seemed enough.It seemed like running in place as I was perpetually dealing with the same stuff with little to no real measurable results. There was this vicious cycle of re-experianceing. I thought how can I live a life that is fulfilling and successful in the ways that were meant for me if I am dragging along my past. I have contemplated many avenues of self-help. I tried many forms of therapy. I spent years just fighting with my right to stay alive. So much time, so many years and will I ever see the kind of results that can propel me forward to a life of change and joy?
What will finally saying goodbye to the past really do for me. It is so hard to see my life any other way than the miserable way that I have been living it. I know at times I have pushed away those things that might have let me suffer less. I am not an emotional masochist I don’ enjoy pain of any kind. In fact I have been running from it my whole life. I felt as if I kept this thin façade that hid all my suffering because I thought no matter what I had to get on with my life and gain some measure of normalcy. The façade never worked. People saw right through it but never really knew what to do to help. I had to make the first move and admit that I needed help and then trust in that process as well as being grateful for all those efforts. I am grateful for all of them. I am grateful for family, friends, spiritual guidance and of course all the many therapists and treatments that have tried over the years. They were always tried with great effort. I do believe in my heart that there was progress through the years that I did not give myself credit for.
I make no excuses for my actions now. I have been given tools to help me cope. I have been given medication to help me feel better along the way. I have been given guidance and hope from Gods own word the Bible. I am a smart and wise woman. I am no longer a defenceless child. Although I have acted like one down through the years. I am now strong and I am safe now. I can not allow myself to suffer in emotional pain that might actually be worse that the pain of my childhood.Just by the decades of suffering and feeling that there was no way out for me I might have caused more drama, trauma and pain. I have positive things in my life now. I need to learn to enjoy them untainted by depression. I need to be allowed the chance to explore my gifts and all those God-given blessings that I have not allowed myself to have a share in. Exploring all my talents and finding positive ways to use them in my life now can make all those lost years not so lost. All that has occurred as a result of the horrendous things that I suffered I can now let go of and move onto something much better.
I feel that a new horizon is upon me and stepping into this new light will dissolve the bad memories and pain. There will be no need to suffer any more.
But until then I am ready and willing to grieve the losses in my life for a short while and to rid my body of all that negative energy and negative ways of coping. EMDR will help me do that. I believe my therapist when she says, “you will get through this I promise.”
But never lose that playful spark!