Friday during the middle group at IOP, for some reason four out of the five of us had a hard time not crying. Each for their own stuff. I was one of the four. I actually stepped out of the room to take a break in the general area. It was the fight or flight response. I knew that I would have a hard time siting there holding back tears because I did not want anyone to notice. While I was out of group I kept telling myself that I need to keep this under control. It was too scary to let it show. I was also pulling the suffering from the other woman in the room into myself as if it was mine. Talk about over-whelming emotions. When that happens I have a difficult time pulling all that emotion out so that I know what part is mine. The therapist came out to check on me but I was already returning to the room. I really don’t know what came over me. It seemed as though I had no understanding why the tears kept erupting from my eyes. I suppose that is what I need to do. Maybe I don’t have to figure it out. It’s enough for now that I think it is coming from a very deep raw place inside of me.
The more that I let out tears the more that I realize that’s it’s not really so bad. When we build something up in our heads it becomes impossible to handle. I guess it just takes testing the waters. A little here and a little there and before I know it I might just be through it.