Yesterday in therapy went pretty well. There was a gradual decline in mood and I wasn’t sure what that was all about until I got home. You know, that panic of releasing tears, that I have been experiencing just let loose and I cried like I have never cried in my entire life. It hurt so bad and in the moment I felt as if it would never stop and that I might stop breathing. That’s not exactly rational thinking but when you are caught up in the moment that is how seems. Just when I thought I was done than more tears got released along with all that old pain.
How does such old pain and fears from a lifetime ago still haunt my everyday. I always wondered that. But I now realize that the damage is like an infection if you don’t take care of it then it will only get worse and steal even more of your precious time….to heal. I don’t plan on letting this pain prevent me from moving forward in my life. A very nice therapist at group said that I am really making good progress. I see that for myself as well. The panic feelings that keep erupting from deep within that dark place that has seen no light or relief is now starting to see some light and also a lighter feeling. In fact the more that I cry the lighter I feel. It is hard to be motivated to do anything while carrying around this deep dark pain. The darkness gets placed there by others. It seems very heavy to walk around with this and still try to be motivated in doing something positive in your day. I feel it mostly in my gut It’s not a nice feeling. But I learned through EMDR therapy that when a person has been impacted by some horrible trauma it affects the entire body. Its like every single cell can be a part of telling my story because all the negative energy is stored in different places if not all of the physical body. The hope for me is to go through the process of releasing memories and taking away that negative energy that gets stored up.
Today started out good as well as yesterday but by the second group something that I didn’t see coming and did not know would impact me in the way that it did turned out to be a painful trigger. Normally groups tend to have a topic to discuss that relates to most of the people in the group and that’s great because they are able to interact with each other by sharing their stories and they can learn from each other or just support the person who is talking. That is the magic of group therapy. Well I felt so out-of-place in this particular group because these girls are dealing with break-ups. So at first I just though that its ok, I really don’t fit in this group and have no place saying anything because I don’t really relate to how they feel. But that was all fine for I could just sit in the group and just listen. But then about halfway through something got triggered in me. A feeling of not belonging and I felt as if I was just disappearing into the wall behind my seat. In other words I felt invisible just has I did as a child. I know that I am ok now and that I am not invisible but I was scared when I began to feel that. I kept talking to myself and saying don’t cry now it would be very bad timing as I did not want to be a distraction from others who are speaking in the group. I contemplated getting up and leaving the room and just take a break in the common area. I agonized over whether I was going to get up or not. I was beginning to cry and I did not want anyone to see. I felt that oh..so..old panic. When I am in a panic I tend to run. I did not do that this time. I felt that the right thing to do was to take a break and to try to calm down because I did not want to be a distraction to those in the group. I don’t like even seeming rude or selfish. I think that is why a chose to leave. A therapist came out to talk to me. It was difficult for me to talk because I felt so raw and over-whelmed with emotion but I also know through experience that it does help to have support from others and that can be reassuring that I am going to be ok.