Exhausted

 

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I am feeling very tired from the emotional rollercoaster that I have been on. There have been days when I felt like I was on a high. I had hoped that I would not come down from that wonderful feeling. It felt refreshing and encouraging . I should know better because I have felt that way before and have come down from it. But when your mood is up so high you don’t think about the possibility of falling. Usually when I fall, I fall hard!  Healing from past trauma is like that. It’s an ongoing process until we reach the point that it is all resolved in our hearts and minds and no longer has any impact on us. We will always remember but it will seem like something off in the distance and will not have an impact on us today. That’s the goal for me. I live for that day.

Well tomorrow is the last day of IOP.  Even though I know that I am ready to leave, my fears and pain want to stay for it feels safe. I feel safe from the world when I am there and safe from my own impulses to harm myself. I have to fly on my own though as I feel that soon that will be the case in a more complete way as I finish EMDR. I feel emotional today. I feel down. I am just waiting for the next high. I do like rollercoasters because they are thrilling. I love the speed around the corners because it makes me feel so alive. But I avoid them because the drop is so terrifying to me. I feel like I have lost myself much like dissociating and I can’t breathe or feel my heartbeat. It’s a familiar feeling from the past when I was a child and I was being sexually abused. I left my body. I somehow knew that I was still there but not a part of the experience. The rollercoaster sort of gives me that same experience during the drops. What I have been going through lately is so much like the rollercoaster and I am desperately trying to disassociate from it. But that is what I have been doing all along running from the feelings. Facing them could buy me freedom to enjoy the excitement for the thrill and speed of a rollercoaster.  But I won’t fear the drop anymore because I will finally know that although there are going to be moments in my life that will feel like that drop,  they will only be momentary. I will know by then that I have the strength to fight whatever comes my way because I did battle with  the past and won.

Linda

 


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