Present in the moment is a perfect gift


That’s what mindfulness is all about. Its staying in the moment right in front of us and if something should pull us away, its about bringing our selves back to the moment. It takes practice but the more that it is done our lives will feel different. There will be so much more joy in everything that we do or see. Watch a sunset let yourself sink into its beauty. Feel a part of it. Then there is no reason to fuss about the past or future. I still keep practicing. It can be very difficult in the beginning but with practice it can be achieved whenever we wish.





A bit of everything

So we got a brand new president. But was he the right one. “I wont say a word”, about that!

Moving on, I have a horrible toothache. I am going to the dentist tomorrow. I also have an appointment with the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. I hope he knocks me out for it. I don’t mind feeling dopey for a while after. My dentist better give me more pain meds to make it to next Thursday to have it pulled. I hate pain meds because they make me sick, but I hate toothache pain more.

There was some progress, be it ever so little, in lowering some of my medications . My doctor said one at a time. So I was weaned off a mood stabilizer. I took my last pill last night. I’ve been co-operating so far. But in the end its my decision. I have made sure that it is a responsible one.  I am done feeling like a zombie. It’s hard to function from day-to-day when I am feeling so sedated.  I bet you all know what I mean.

My niece was sent to the hospital for her appendix.  She is doing a lot better now and she is back home from the hospital but I have to say though, that I got a little too scared for her because her Moms appendix burst years back and she got very sick. Just when she started feeling better she ended up with a staff infection. Her mom just died last year, not from that but from heart problems.  It must be hard to be young and have to go through life without your parent.  Her mom did get to see her get married and have her three children. My other sister-in-law died when her children where still quite young and did not get to see them get married or have kids. It makes me sad because I know how much she was looking forward to that.  Speaking of death my favorite brother-in-law died last year as well. He died in his sleep. We don’t know why because he did not have an autopsy and he was cremated. Yah it was a tough year last year for the family.  When we lose someone who we love it can make us more aware of those in our life right now and appreciate and value them. Life is beautiful but life is fragile.




P.S. I did say a little bit of everything. But it felt good to get that all out.



Trying hard to find myself


Therapy has been a long and exhausting road. My future has always paid a price as a result of stumbling through survival and finding a way to really live. Blame for the trauma that I experienced is no longer important  to me. I have to say that this is a sign of my great emotional progress and growth. By not playing the blame-game I’ve forgiven those from the past that have harmed me and I am on the verge of freeing  myself from this heavy burden that I have been caring for far to long. I could blame myself for taking so long to work through all of my painful experiences or I can pat myself on the back with confidence because I kept fighting to move on. I’ve learned that it’s not how many times that I stumbled that’s important to remember. It’s really that when I fall I always find a way to pick myself back up and continue on my journey. It’s not just the journey of survival,  although there where many years that it felt like that,  but it’s what I continue to do to improve my life despite it all.  I think that with just a little more strength to climb this difficult mountain I will be able to see what’s beyond it for me. I really want to know what my life will be like once I free myself from all of this. I know its coming soon…very soon,  I can feel positive change. Often when people do serious harm to us, we lose sight of who we are separate from everyone else.  I am trying very hard to find myself and discover what life can truly be like for me. I am almost there. All my hard work has not been in vain.