To Love or Hate

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I have always struggled with this battle in my head and heart. The one that I loved  the most in my childhood hurt me very badly. I have fond memories of sitting in his lap as a small child. I could always count on him to play with me and give me lots of attention. For some reason my Mom held  back affection for me…but that’s another story all together. I believe he started when I was very little with grooming me as most perpetrators do. The difference was that he was my father. When these unspeakable things started happening to me it blew my whole world apart. Suddenly it was not safe anymore to play the same way. It was not safe to sit in my Dads lap anymore. I became scared very easily.  It was like having the floor pulled out from under me. My life had suddenly changed when my father changed. I have had so many questions over the years as to why someone who made me feel so special and cared about could do those things to me. I think that I learned to hold different places in my heart and mind when it came to my dad. He became the good and evil dad. I was so little, how was I supposed to know when to trust and when not to.

Well that’s enough of that for now. I hate that I have to wait so long in between therapy appointments but it can’t be helped. We have a very high deductible with two daughters still on our insurance. I have made the decision to go every other week for now at least. I want to make things easier for my husband who often worries about how to pay everything and on time. I always worry about my husband. Stress is not his friend. He would give me the “world” if he could and it’s just knowing that, that makes me love him more. He is very generous like his Mom was.

Well getting back to the therapy for I have gotten of track. My mind seems to be trying to process so much at once. When I have to wait for therapy I struggle with the feelings that were opened up in our last session. I am a very impatient person. I want this nightmare over with once and for all.  It’s the strange  dreams that have been getting to me. They are more vivid than normal. I hate waking up from a night terror and shaking and sweating.  I  am trying very hard to learn patients. I know  things are a lot better lately despite the EMDR. . I know that its real progress because in the past when I was struggling my whole world had  to stop and wait until I could pick myself up again. Well now I have been living my life in between sessions and doing all right for the most part. I mean there is the dreams. If it wasn’t for the dreams than I would be able to wait for therapy to process things that are coming up for me. Its progress! I have to keep my mind on the goal and that is to release the past and all its pain and damaging thought patterns. The goal is to free to live my life the way I was meant to live it!

Linda

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