….and I’m Back

I have not written much lately but I haven’t felt like doing much of anything lately.  I’m alive and I am very grateful for that but the darkness has taken its toll on me and its starting to show. I feel alive but I’m in this strange waiting place. Trauma is so complicated!

I have been working on this monumental memory. The very worst of its kind.  Its caused great anxiety in me lately but I know that these feelings are part of the process of moving through the trauma. My therapist says that I am so hard on my self and she’s right. I sometimes set myself up with unrealistic progress and I am quickly made aware that right now the trauma seems to have the upper hand. I really don’t want to give it that much power but its the only way  that I see it right now. Its like the trauma has taken over my life at times and it fills my head with so many terrifying  thoughts that it becomes a monster to me.

I am grateful for the therapist that I have because she always has a way or technique that helps me cope with what comes up through the process of EMDR. I’m not going through this all alone, although at times it could feel like that. I am always reminded of the fact that she is there right along with me and I am safe.  As time goes by I feel more and more confidence in this process. It works! I now can see myself from the other side just every once in a while and when that happens it feels great. Its like getting a taste of what it will be like once I have put this all behind me.  It gives me strength to continue in this most difficult trauma work.


This slideshow requires JavaScript.

The Little Girl Inside Me

I’ve struggled over the years with the idea that I would write a book and tell my story. Many times I pushed this idea aside. I even struggled with the title of this book, changing it constantly. But I know now what I am to name it, “The Little Girl Inside Me”. It’s the most fitting of all titles to my past and the legacy that it left. I am not struggling anymore with the idea to write my story. I want to write it not just for me but for others like me who walk around with these invisible but very much alive injured  little parts of themselves. They are the ones who got lost and fell through cracks. The ones who kept secrets larger than themselves. Secrets of monumental proportions. Its the  child inside  with a pure heart that was tainted by evil. It would be dedicated to all those inner children crying for a voice. These are the ones that trusted with a wide open heart and had their insides torn out. For me it left a gaping hole that I swore others could see. I couldn’t be me. I could never truly be me. As much as I desperately needed attention and decent human caring I stayed away in fear that they would know that I am not whole and that the scars I carry are way to deep to heal.

I haven’t posted lately I know but I have been depressed. I am not even sure just what it is that is happening right  now. It’s hard to write. Its hard to do much of anything. But I have been down before and I will rise again because a little girl inside of me is waiting for a voice!