The courage to be free


I am ending IOP once again. I allowed myself to be pulled down and into the past suffering.  Yes, I am working on my trauma with my therapist and some of this is to be expected. How long though, do I have to stay in it. If I feel stuck in it, why do I have to stay stuck? But that is what I am doing. I have been allowing myself to muddle through the pain for far to long. Its over and it can not hurt me now. I have tackled that monumental childhood memory that I was afraid of for so long. In fact, I truly believed that I could not and should not ever go there and especially not verbally share it with anyone. Maybe I some how thought that talking about it would bring it to life again. Well that’s what it did in a sense but not literally for it is over and can no longer hurt me. That is the work of EMDR and I knew it would happen sooner or later. I am glad that I finally got it out of me and that someone heard and validated what I went through in such a kind and gentle way.  Even before I ever began to think about working on it, I knew that she was the “one” to go through it with me and she would always say in a very nurturing manner,  “You are not alone I am going on this journey with you. It was one of the most reassuring things that has ever been told to me. I believe her because she has proven herself over and over.  Like I said if I ever come close to talking about that memory, she would be the one to hear it. Only one person needs to hear and she did, so I now know that I don’t ever have to go there again.  I now feel more free since releasing it all and not just the word’s but those powerful emotions that have been held very tightly inside my body for so very long. I felt the lightness from releasing it. I no longer feel that I carry that burden that was imprisoned inside me eating away at any potential that I might have had. Well, now it can no longer do that. I now have no excuse for holding myself back from my potential and my dreams. It’s never too late to have a happy life! I want no more hospitalizations or programs that  keep me  perpetually lost all the time. I can now see a future and I can now see and understand that I was not to blame for those things that happened to me or the length of time it took to recover from it. I am not that speck of dust that I thought that I was. I am much larger as I did not continue the cycle of abuse,  Instead I broke it and I am proud of that!

There is still more work to do,  but I now have more strength in me to conquer what ever comes up. I don’t have to wait to live my life anymore because I can finally move without the sting from triggers of my past.




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