I am caught in a whirlwind.
I’m trying to sort it out.
Please help me find my way into life.
I think that I am locked out.
Strange things are happening.
Twirling and twisting and horrid things.
Please let me in,
to those places you are going.
I am frightened and I think I lost my way.
I can see you.
Can you see me?
Why is it so hard,
to be a part of life.
This is my right.
Tell me what to do.
For my life is lived in pain.
I see that its bright and sunny where you live,
but I only see the rain.
If you look around the corner,
that just might be me.
Perhaps just a shadow,
or of substance I’m not sure.
I am clearly broken.
Straight to the core.
This place you call life,
is there a door?


Feeling Down



I really hate that what I choose or have to do is subject to my mood shifts. My body has gone through a lot lately with the bad infection in my tooth and then the affects of the antibiotic. They have to destroy bad bacteria but they also can kill the good ones leaving me with a war inside my digestive system. I used the pain meds for a while and then your body has to adjust to not having them. I think it effects the serotonin. I know the tramadol does. Anxiety played a role in all this as I dreaded my colonoscopy. They put gas in you so that it is easier for them to see around.  Well eventually that gas has to come back out. It decided to take its time and cause cramping.

All that said, I am still in a low mood. I hate that I really don’t know why. If I knew than maybe I can change whatever it is that is affecting me.

I might feel bad going to therapy tomorrow because I have been down so much lately. I know she won’t judge me for it. But I think in my own head that I should not be so depressed at this point. I honestly do not know if it is a medication problem or if it has something to do with what my body has been put through the last few months or perhaps I need to work on things that have come up and triggered me. I always have so many questions. I know that with somethings there is no answer and I have to learn to be ok with that.

At least I am using some of the skills that I have been taught over the years. Some work well and some not-so-much.

I am sure it will all pass in time and I will feel better soon. I have a lot of exciting things coming up in my life and I want to enjoy them.



The Dreaded Procedure

thQ04MOD1D The best time that I had after my colonoscopy……Dinnertime

Lets face it, not one of us likes those personal, embarrassing and probing procedures that we all have to go through whether we like it or not….usually not!  I have to say that a colonoscopy is the worst for me. The last time that I had it done I had to mix up this really gross drink in a gallon jug. It was Gatorade and a laxative and I remember the difficulty getting it all down and keeping it down. But I got through that. This time it was a by prescription only mixture called Suprep. I almost didn’t get it in time because they called it into our pharmacy a month before the procedure and we forgot about it. So not realizing that it was only by prescription, I called the GI Center the day before and asked them what I was supposed to buy to prepare for the procedure. Of course I got a bit of a scolding as if I was a child, at least that is what it felt like, and she said she would call it into  our pharmacy. Well apparently someone on their end forgot to call it in. My husband left work and went straight to the pharmacy only to be told that it was not called in and that he would have to wait. The pharmacist finally got the go ahead from the GI Center to fill it but there was another problem. The insurance company said they would not pay for that brand. My poor husband, he was already stressed from working and the usual crazy rush hour traffic on the Berlin Turnpike and he knew that he had to get this to me by five because I needed to start it then in order to be ready for my appointment the next day. Thankfully the pharmacist called the GI Center and they were able to supply a sample box. But there was another problem because it was already 4:30 and he was an hour away from the GI Center. So my husband calls me up and asks me to go get it but I had been painting a room all day and was covered in blue paint. I needed a shower and I had to clean up my mess.  It was very possible that if I chose to leave the mess and go there that I might find little blue paw prints all over my house when I got home.  So I called my husband back and told him my dilemma and that he would have to go because I would never make it in time after showering and cleaning up. Well he was not too happy but he said, “ok”. Then the GI Center called me and asked when my husband would be coming because they were about to close.  He finally made it there in time to pick it up and get home so that I can take it.  It was only ten minutes past five so once again my hero of a husband came through for me.

Well then came the dreaded time to drink what I had to drink to get ready. This was very different from the last time. It came in a box with two bottles and a 16 oz cup. One bottle was for the night before the procedure and the other one was to be taken in the morning.  So I followed the directions on the box very carefully. I had to pour one bottle into the cup that they provided and mix it to the correct line with water. It did not smell so nice so I figured that it must taste bad too. I managed to get the cup down and then the box instructed me to drink two more 16 oz containers of water. Now I am not a water person so this was really hard for me. Having not eaten that whole day together with the fact that I was very anxious about the procedure, my stomach was already not feeling well and when I began drinking it I felt even worse. The taste was horrendous. I did get that whole cup down and starting drinking the additional water and it almost came back up. If that had happened, I would have had to cancel my appointment and I would have to reschedule and do this all again. Thankfully, I was able to keep it down. When the medicine did its thing and I was squeaky clean inside I decided to go to bed early in hopes that I would not have to think about it anymore until morning. When morning came I drank that dreaded second bottle and the two more glasses of water.  I kept them down and tried my best to kill time before it was time to go. I knew from the last time that I had this done that the worst part of it all is the drinking and frequent bathroom trips.  Once all that was past and it was time for the procedure I was fine, (sort of). I knew that there were risks with colonoscopy but they are very rare.  The problem with me is that I knew a friend who had a rupture and almost bleed to death. It is really scary to know that you put your life in doctors hands and they are only human and are subject to mistakes.  The whole staff was really nice and informative. They joked and made me feel relaxed and of course my husband was there as well. I somehow calmed down from my fears and anxiety and felt like I was in good hands. I woke up from the procedure as if I had just been put out. It happens so fast. I got really good news from the doctor. He said everything looked great and no polyps. The second great news was that I did not have to come back for another ten years.

We had to pick up a few groceries on the way home and my husband said why don’t you just stay in the car and rest. I should have listened. I wasn’t exactly walking a straight line. I was still a little sleepy and weak. My husband laughs and says, “maybe you should hold onto the cart for support but just don’t hit anyone”. I made it through that adventure as well.  My dear husband realized how hungry I was and took me out for a sandwich.  When we got home I ate like I had been starving for weeks and then fell asleep.



P.S. The doctor told me he gave me some pictures of my insides along with my paperwork. I thought he was joking. He said, “oh ok, if you don’t want them than they will just leave them out of your paper work”,  and then he laughed.


Actually they were kind of cool to look at but I wouldn’t put them on facebook!