The Eclipse


The eclipse just marked this day as a special day. But the eclipse is only a small part of my day and only takes a small place in my brain. But if I use the eclipse as a metaphor it can own a bigger part of my brain. I feel like there is something covering over my life. It does not look or feel or sound the way that it is supposed to. I am working on how I’ve been feeling in therapy because I do not want this feeling of down to continue. I trust my therapist that she knows what is best for me to work on. Sometimes if feels like I am resistant  to do the work I need to do to rid my body of this negative energy and memories that keeps coming up. I feel like my mood is in the cellar of my body right now….


P.S. I am not going to let it stay there I am going to do what ever it takes to move through  it and be lifted up and out of this state of existence. I have a life to live.

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Crazy Head

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Let me think.  Let me think for a minute. What’s going on in my head? My mind is jumping around from thought to thought. Every thought is heard, felt and sometimes seen, internally of course. Every thought in its own right has a place where it belongs within and a right to join in on the internal conversation. The conversation is hard to hear as there is a lot of thinking going on and its way more than I need and seems to be off focus.

There are even thoughts that I think connect to what I am writing but they are always interrupted by these crazy thoughts. Thought number one, “look at me…….look at me, over here stupid, can’t you see me or hear me?  I’m lighting up just like the other thoughts. I need attention too because there are things I need to tell you. Can you stop writing for just a minute because perhaps I have something to say that you could write down.”

Thought number two, “ no my thought is way more important then yours.”

Thought number one, “well just who do you think you are. You just want to show her that its raining outside, really, raining?” “You think that she could be distracted by some intermittent rain drops, funny, really funny.” ” Just shut up so she can continue writing her letter. Do not disturb the thought process.”  ‘You always fight to interfere and then her mind begins to wander.”

Thought number two, “oh now you’ve done it, now she is looking out the window at the so-not-important rain.” ” I bet she doesn’t even remember what she was going to write next.”

This is too over-whelming for me to write because I am disturbed by other thoughts that draw me away every time. Its craziness all up in my head. If people could see my thoughts in the form of objects which they sometimes are, they would think that there is a carnival going in my head. If that is really what they see inside then I think their right.

Thought number three, “Wait, wait I want to say something!  See this is what happens all the time.  She just ignores me but I know she knows that I am here waiting for my place in thoughts and in her day. It’s just so frustrating to have a valuable thought and yet she is way to busy listening to stupid over there who just wants to shoot off his mouth to be heard without any real need or reason. Now let’s get back to me.”

No I have to write this letter! It’s so important, wait…wait I just had a great idea for a painting. I can’t wait to get this letter done and in the mail because I might forget my idea for the painting.

Thoughts 2 and 3,  “she thinks she has problems, we can’t even get her attention although I know she hears us and knows that we are waiting in line to get our points out. These are real genuine thoughts that she could use in her day.”

Thought number one,  “oh yes …. that’s coming from a thought that just had to make her see that it was barely raining outside.”

Oh my head hurts. I will  take this letter and put it in the mailbox and then take a nap. I am glad it stopped raining because I am going to meet Jennifer in the park for some good old fresh air.

Thought number one, “hey, wait a minute, I should have not complained about you distracting her because it really was important that she knew about the light rain so she could schedule her day.”

Now I hope people understand my frustration and hesitation to accomplish normal daily activities. My head is always too full. Full of important stuff and full of exciting ideas and there is a lot of loud nonsense thoughts that I could do without.

Thoughts 1,2 and 3, “you don’ think that she means us do you?”

I am so glad that no one else hears that over-whelming….chaos and internal thought storm. I have to find a way to quiet my mind a little so that everything makes sense. I can use the list idea but the list idea can get me in trouble because then I begin to make list’s for my list’s and that is crazy-making in of itself. Meditation is a very good idea, its worked in the past but that’s just it sometimes, it’s just an idea that never comes to fruition because there is always something that I need to be doing.  Meditation is the perfect thing to do because it can slow down all that noise and thought process in my head. Maybe when all is quiet while I am meditating, I can organize that pile of thoughts on the floor of my brain and put them in their appropriate file boxes. That will slow things down and there is this other idea that use to work for me but I got out of practice. Morning pages, so when I wake up before I get out of bed I can reach for my favorite journal and free right. I love to free write because there are no rules. I don’t care about grammar or punctuation or run on sentences. By doing this I can empty all the thoughts that come to mind in the morning  or thoughts from the night before so that I can rid my mind of them and they can’t interfere with my day.  It makes for a calmer mind and that can free up my day to be amazing. Now all I have to do is make a determined effort to do it.

“Just breathe, in and out, nice and slow, there you go”


P.S. I know that I am not the only one who goes through this. Everyone does. Our minds are amazing.  But for some, it is always to a greater degree and that can be very difficult to handle. Thankfully, there is always a resource to quiet even the busiest of minds.

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Cloudy With An Internal Burst of Sunshine


It’s a cloudy day today but I am determined to only see my internal sunshine. Determination is the key. It’s not always easy and sometimes I can’t do it at all. It takes imagination and persistence and a willingness to not let the day, weather or my mood dictate how I am going to feel today. This is entirely up to me.

I have been having some really down days where I feel raw and on the verge of tears but instead of trying to figure it out, which might make it worse, I am going to just let it be.

There is a funny sort-of-thing about imagination, even though it’s not real it can change a mood by its thoughts or content with positive or negative effects on us.

I have grocery shopping today. I use to really enjoy it but lately it is just a chore that I need to get done. I know that I need to let joy and fun into my day,  with some imagination and creativity. These are two of my favorite things. I have many ways of achieving them so it shouldn’t be that hard. I shall see as the day progresses.


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Which Road


I know stress is not healthy but I don’t have the power to chase it away either. I wish that I did. Sadly we are not super heroes.  There is a lot going on in my life right now. Exciting things and lots of changes. It’s funny how life has its twists and turns and even a few drop offs. The road to life is riddled with pits and stones to cause us to stumble. Honestly though I think that when our life hits  a bump in the road it might be a blessing in disguise.  Sometimes we need to just sit  back, take a breath and just check in with ourselves, ask questions. Why did I just fall, could be saying, “maybe I am moving to fast and or making a wrong decision. We all could be like Robert Frost who said,  “I saw two roads diverged in a wood and I chose the one less traveled  by and it has made all the difference.” But that was his choice. It may not necessarily be our choice of direction.

How do I know if I am really going down the right road right now. Yes, there is problems that need to be resolved. So I think that for just now I will examine where I am going and where I’ve been. I mean really examine them. There are a lot of roads in life. There are freeways that the cars are driving so fast that you wonder where they are going in such a hurry. Have they missed their life?  There are roads that are all  overgrown, as if no one as been there in a long, long while. Whats wrong with this road. I can wonder about this overgrown road while  choosing another.  Is there a right road or a  wrong road in life?  I have heard many people ask that question. I don’t really know if they get their answer.  It’s all just about choices. It can be because we have to stop and help a family member out. It’s not where we thought we would go but it was important that we did. I know that women always say, “why is it so hard for guys to ask for direction.” But in life, at times, I think we all are a little unsure of our direction. Some just go with the flo………whatever that means. Some stay on a determined path of success. Personally, I want to go down the road that makes God happy and me happy and my family happy.  I want the road  that my heavenly father wants for me. Only then will I truly be happy.

P.S. My daughter Crystal is now engaged to a wonderful man. He proposed on a sail boat cruise and we were all invited but we had to hide until it was time. What a beautifully romantic thing to do. Crystal is not a crier but she was that day.  She so truly happy.

Now the wedding planning begins.

I don’t know where I was going with this. I guess I was just venting. There are changes coming up that I am not ready to talk about yet. But its all good and scary and exciting.




the skeleton key

Daddy said, “come with me to a secret place.” I was excited to know that we were going to a special place. He took my hand and led me to a door. The door was locked. He had to use a key to open it. While standing there I watched as my daddy put his hand in his pocket.  I heard the jingling sound of keys. At that moment, I thought, how important my dad must be to have so many keys.  Instantly, I had another thought, does he have the right key to the door that is just in front of us? He had in his hand the most mysterious key that I had ever seen. A very strange feeling came over me and my excitement  change so quickly to fear. The key fit the door and with a  turn or two it unlocked and opened. It was so dark and I could not see a single thing and I said, “daddy where is the light switch?” He told me not to worry so much about where we are going.  He said, “I will lead the way.” He opened the door wide and just inside the door was a candle laying horizontal on a shelf. He took the candle and lit it with a match. I thought to myself, “what is this place? I said to daddy, “it’s very creepy in here can we go back”? He said we just got here and now you want to leave?” “Lets keep going, he said and I will show you where the feel -good place is”. But daddy what is that, what do you mean daddy?”