She knew that she was different. But different could never be explained in words. She has often tried to tell others who just look at her in a confused or objectionable manner, like, “oh really”. Its hurtful. She searches for someone who understands but she is left lonely in her thoughts and strangely unique feelings. The thoughts can always be explained and judged by the listener. However, the listener can not sense or know or feel the same way. She has wondered all her life why she is this way. She has asked herself, “was I born this way and are there others like me who just want to be understood and treasured for this unique gift?”
It feels like shifting into a surreal state but there is perfect control over this odd but breathtaking environment. Entering it is not deliberate. It happens every so often that she is carried away into a feeling and that feeling has colors and sounds and thoughts. She is left in this moment in time for how ever long it takes to experience these things. She can call upon it at will but it is usually by accident. It could be a scent or a light breeze blowing through the window and caught in the lift of her white lace curtain on a beautiful sunny day. As it reaches her and is felt, the breeze begins to tell her a story. It may be a moment long. But it crosses ages of time. “How is it possible to feel that way”, she wonders. “If I told anyone one about this they would surely lock me up, but I am not crazy and I know that I am not alone in this experience.” She remains silent about it and she just enjoys this amazing burst of surrealism. It often feels euphoric in a way that can’t be put into words. She just enjoys it. After all, it doesn’t hurt anyone to have a wonderful secret.
Now that things have calmed down I can now think straight without all those racing thoughts. This happens when there is too much going on in my life whether it be concerns for my family or too cluttered a calendar of events. I think the latter is the worst. I am used to getting an invite and writing it on the calendar, then I become so overwhelmed at the very thought of leaving the house to go there and the imminent anxiety that I will experience while I’m there, so then I end up talking myself out of it. This has been going on for years. Just what am I so afraid of? That’s the million dollar question. If I found the answer I would rather enjoy the solution than a million dollars. I feel that being comfortable with myself and really enjoying my life without fears is priceless.
I found through experience, that if a person dwells too much on what is wrong in their life than this person is missing out on the potential and excitement of the rest of their life as it unfolds. I don’t want thinking negative all the time to steal my life. I am working really hard in therapy so that it does not happen.
I will be tested this weekend because a family event is coming up on Saturday. So the question to me and others that know me and behavior, will I actually go.
On a happier note my living room and kitchen (open concept) are going to have a face lift. The walls are a very light almost robins egg blue. We are getting a new living room set, flooring and big screen TV. This will make a huge difference in how I feel spending time there. I seem to spend too much time there as I mentioned above. My life needs a face-lift too. I need to step out of my comfort zone to go to invites and also to entertain guest at my house. I have not done that in a very long time.