“It’s a small world”


My husband had to get his hair cut today and he had some errands to run so he asked if I would go with him because he wanted us to go out to dinner later. Then he wouldn’t have to come all the way home to pick me up. So I went. The stylist who does his hair is a very close friend of ours. I have not seen her in a while. I asked how her husband was and I think I asked the wrong question. I won’t go into any detail about what she has been going through for privacy sake.  However, just listening to her talk about the great difficulties she’s having with her very ill and aging husband made me think a lot about how I react to my own difficult issues sometimes. I know that it’s not all about me but sometimes we can get so caught up in our own lives and forget the fact that our family and friends might need some attending to also. She just about had me in tears. I need to become more aware of those around me who suffer too. They might suffer in different ways than I do but no one is keeping score because suffering is suffering plain and simple. We all go through difficult things throughout our lives but we should never be so self-absorbed that we are not there for those in need.  We can take a break from our own difficult issues and listen to a dear one who is struggling.

My heart went out to her. She has so much to do and her husband will not accept any outside help. I think its his pride. No one wants to admit or give in to getting older and needing help but he really fights it. He is a man that is very dear to me. When I heard how he was doing, it went straight to might heart like a bolt of lightning. He has always been like a father figure to me. I always looked to him for guidance much like a child does with a parent.  His wife is quite a bit younger than he is. In fact, I would say twenty years younger. She and I are close in age.

I could just imagine how difficult it must be for her to see the love of her life slowly get worse and worse. Old age is not kind and it’s very humbling. I hope soon that he will let someone else in the house to help her out.

Listening and helping others gets us out of our own heads for a while. In knowing that we suffer in very much the same ways, gives new meaning to the song,

“Its a small world after all.”


A Dream In Action


My story will be written!

I always wanted to write. It has always been my lifelong dream to write a book. Never tell anyone that it’s too late to make their dream come true. I wanted to write a book but never saw myself ever having this opportunity. I was always told that I write well. I did not just believe anything that anyone told me. I knew it for myself. Others only validated it more. I am capable and I am intelligent.  I do have what it takes to write a book  I have a lifetime of experience on this subject. I can write from a personal perspective, which is that of a survivor of severe abuse. But do I have the energy the wisdom and the courage to carry it out?

This is not a selfish endeavor. I am not really writing for me so much as I am writing to all survivors of child abuse. I can tell you that it won’t be like most child abuse books.  I want it to be different. I want to inspire others. I want to validate others. I want to help those who live in silence, find there voice. I want to share others experiences and much more. My book has to stir emotion not just in the survivors but perhaps even the perpetrator or the mothers who pretended that they saw nothing.  The survivor always suffers more than the perpetrator. It was true in my case. My father is dead now and I continue to suffer. We don’t have to continue to suffer. There are so many options for us to heal and so many forms of therapy that have been proven through the test of time. I want to write in a very deep creative way that lifts the spirit of those who have suffered.

The good news is that I have started my book. I am very excited about it. I don’t know how long it will take because it’s my very first book but it will get written.

Hugs to all survivors!


The Noise In A Quiet Space


There are many gifts in life but few understand the profound knowledge that can be found in the quiet. However, there is noise, be it ever so calm, within our quiet space. There are our thoughts and inner voice.

Even in the stillness and peace of mind, there is a hum of daily activities and of life happening all around us, but it’s off in the distance away from our conscious mind.  There are all kinds of noises during the day but when we get caught up in the noise of everyday life and responsibilities we lose that moment of peace and quiet. When we find our conscious state of stillness and quiet are we able to stay in the beauty of this quiet.

We can even hear sound while we are sleeping. When we assume that we should be at peace and noise free, outside our dreams, there are noises that our minds can pick up when we are sleeping. It might be noises that some do not consider sound. But it’s there and it can interfere with a good nights sleep.

When I made an effort to be quiet and still in my living room one night, I became aware of the sweetest sound that I have ever heard. It was my children upstairs sleeping. I could hear them breathing.  What a pleasant and enduring sound. If I did not listen to the quiet I would have not heard it.

In life, there is always some level of white noise. When we think or listen to the noise, we can hear it clearly.  If we push this sound farther from our internal dialogue and noisy external dialogue it becomes white noise again.

Can we dissect the white noise of life and pick out the noise that has become an annoying distraction for us. If we turn down the volume of all that noise, can we allow ourselves to sit in silence and listen within? Can we mindfully stay in the present moment to benefit from our own inner wisdom?

Listening is something we do all the time and yet it is a difficult task.  My mind has learned to constantly process and react to what I hear rather than to listen in stillness. While in conversations with others can we not hear our own inner dialogue as well. Perhaps we are thinking of what we want to say in our part of the conversation. Maybe it takes stepping back a little, not in an obvious way, but think and listen to our inner wisdom in the quiet peacefulness of our minds and then give a more appropriate response in our conversation.

It is in this awareness of our surroundings, our selves, and others, that we can be in the stillness of quiet and also hear our conversations and the distant noises and this is a truly profound place to be. We absorb impressions and connect with others to a greater degree when we are free of the distractions of noise. It requires energy to be fully present and actively listen to another person.  My inner voice has begun to listen, too. There are people out there who possess the ability to have complete receptiveness that can be easily noticed.  I have consciously tried to find my way to that state of being,  It is not easy but with practice, it is very possible.

If we all really try and really want to, we can hear the noise and the silence almost simultaneously.

What do you hear in the quiet?



Do Something


  1. Approximately 5 children die every day because of child abuse.
  2. 1 out of 3 girls and 1 out of 5 boys will be sexually abused before they reach age 18.
  3. 90% of child sexual abuse victims know the perpetrator in some way. 68% are abused by a family member.
  4. In 2012, 82.2% of child abuse perpetrators were found to be between the ages of 18-44, of which 39.6% were recorded to be between the ages of 25-34.
  5. In the United States, more than 4 children die from child abuse and neglect on a daily basis. Over 70% of these children are below the age of 3.
  1. Boys (48.5%) and girls (51.2%) become victims at nearly the same rate.
  2. 2.9 million cases of child abuse are reported every year in the United States.
  3. Children who experience child abuse and neglect are 59% more likely to be arrested as a juvenile, 28% more likely to be arrested as an adult, and 30% more likely to commit a violent crime.
  4. About 80% of 21-year-olds who were abused as children met criteria for at least one psychological disorder.
  5. 14% of all men and 36% of all women in prison were abused as children.
  6. Abused children are less likely to practice safe sex, putting them at greater risk for STDs. They’re also 25% more likely to experience teen pregnancy


Exhausting Day


My day started out very early. I woke up at 6:30 and got up to make my coffee. Usually, I don’t eat in the morning but I decided that I need to pay more attention to my body.  I started having two eggs in the morning every day.  The coffee is too rough on my digestive system. I have been under more stress than usual and that contributes to the belly problems. I had my physical Friday and the Doctor said I was healthy and all my blood work came back normal. It was very good news because I was stressing over why I had so much tummy trouble. I did find out why. I have to wean myself off of coffee, sugar, and chocolate. Ugh, who wants to have to do that. It is making my body too acidic. I am now on a mission to eat fresh vegetables, fruit, and nuts. I have been drinking more water. I do get dehydrated easy. Well enough about my personal food issue.

I had therapy today.  I wanted it to go easy just because  I have been so emotional and anxious lately and it interferes with my day. Well since my husband is at home until the new year, I will have him near me if I have a hard time.

Something came to me in an EMDR session. It was quite frightening to say the very least. I don’t think it is something that I want to share here. Maybe when I am all through with EMDR.  After therapy, my husband and I had to go to the body shop. Why you say? When I was pulling into a parking space at a store, this big bad concrete mass holding a light pole hit my headlight, imagine that, how rude. No, just kidding. I don’t really know what happened because it happened so fast. I have a good idea of what might have happened. I was pulling into a parking space and I had my youngest daughter in the car with me and my other daughter was impatiently texting Jasmine and pressuring me because she was babysitting and had to be somewhere for an appointment so she tells Jazzy not to let me waste time in the store. Jazzy told me what Crystal said and I got more stressed and  I thought the car was all the way in park but it started rolling forward toward the poll. Instead of hitting the brake I think in a panic,  I hit the gas and then the break so I guess I was the one who hit the pole not the other way around. We were all pressured for time and these things, unfortunately, do happen. Well, I have the car back as good as new and the insurance paid everything. So, my car with the big boo-boo is all better.

I think I am still a little surprised and shaken from therapy and it has stayed with me even with all the distracted errands that my husband had to make. I’ll be alright it will subside after while.

I plan to make the best of the time that I have with my husband home until the new year.


A very slow Wednesday


Well, my husband his home from work until next year. He definitely deserves this time off. I love having him home. We watch tv together except when it’s a guy movie that looks very boring. But then again there are those tear-jerkers that I would love to share with him. That would be a huge challenge for him. I have to be honest, sometimes I watch what he watches even if I don’t like it because I just want to be near him.

Usually, I am always alone. Somedays I can handle it especially if I have a lot to do. Sometimes I am glad that I am home. I have the house to myself and can do whatever I choose. Oh except housework. I know that I have to do that.  But I don’t choose it! Otherwise the skies the limit…or the ceiling in my case. I could choose to work on my book or paint. I might even work on some projects around the house.  I always come up with these cool ideas to save money in decorating but the problem is that those ideas and get backlogged. When that happens I sometimes throw in the towel for the rest of the day. In fact, I might just read or watch a mystery, especially if it’s cloudy or snowing. I sometimes use that as an excuse for my actions. It doesn’t happen all the time. If it did, then my house would be a horrible mess and disorganized.  I couldn’t have that.


Emotional Tides










I have been on the strangest ride of very difficult emotions lately. I am not always sure how to handle these emotions on a continuum. That is just how it is sometimes. I am constantly seeking a way out but not in the usual ways that can destroy my life
I have experienced this many times in the past. However, when this happens my world seems to stop. I have to try and figure it out. I try and I try and I never do get actual results with it. The conclusion is that I was never able to cope and deal with my difficult emotions without some kind of intervention There was a time years ago that this would happen. It was like being stuck in a trap but no one is holding me there and I had the key all along. As I have grown emotionally I have been able to see life from other perspectives and this has enabled me to move forward in my life despite these drifting emotional tides

There is always confusing and misleading ideas of those professional that I have dealt with over the years. Of course, they all think that they have the answer but their answers are all different. How am I supposed to trust the professionals. In theory, if I worked hard enough on myself would I not find the answer that I am seeking. They can not get inside my head. Doctors, therapists, they see you once a week for an hour. What do they really know about you? They go based on what they see in the hospital or office visit but there may be many things that I choose not to tell and many times that I choose to hide instead. In by doing this they could be giving out the wrong diagnosis.

I am different, so my personality profile says, I am an INFJ. We make up only 1% of the population world wide. I had this debate with my therapist. Ok, maybe it wasnt really a debate but it was more like we were having a hard time seeing each others side. I think she thought that I was really trying to say how special I am to have this personality type. No not really, what I was trying to say was that I am different and rare. So I do not fit in a box or textbook illness title or even a mold. I don’t fit because I am that different. If only people tried to understand these deference’s then and only then can they give an accurate assessment.

I’m still waiting. I don’t believe that they will ever understand me. This is where my frustration comes to play. I never know which way to turn or act or should I freeze when these emotional tides rush in?