Hard Times

I’m keeping my options open and the possibilities are endless!

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I still wonder how she is doing. I hope that after the good and final closure session that we had, that time will heal us both. Therapist are human. I could never hold one incident where she was over the top with her treatment of me and what had occurred, stop me from having respect for all the positive ways that she was with me over these few short years. It’s definitely a marked time in my life. I always use to tell  my daughters when they were growing up that there would be marked times in their life and these marked times can be very positive like when you graduated  from eighth grade but I also talked about marked times  that might not necessarily be positive and in fact they can have a negative impact on you as well, like when Grandma died.  But just like you look upon your graduation as another big step in your life, even the negative marked times can be a learning experience and time for real growth. So I am doing my best to look at this whole thing from a positive perspective.

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Linda

Closure

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I wanted and deserved a better closure. My doctor said, “how would it be if you called. Could you do that”? I thought about it for a while and then said she might not let me have a closure session. He said, “there are pros and cons to trying this. I know the cons are that she will say no or she will say yes and the session could be worse. The pros are that she might agree to have another session to have a more peaceful closure.  That would be best for the both of us.

I was a little nervous about going back to my therapist for a better closure session. It started out feeling awkward to me. I don’t know how she felt. She put me back in that room again instead of her office. Well, I very calmly asked, “why this room”. I told her it felt like I was being punished or something. I thought maybe I no longer deserved to be in her office. I am very glad that I asked because she wanted to make sure that I was comfortable and not distracted by her reiki massage table and all that goes with that. I misunderstood why she put me in that room. See how easy it is to assume things about another’s intentions. I was glad that I asked her. She wanted to be kind and fair while understanding everyone has their own belief system. We have to be careful not to intrude on others beliefs or harshly put them down in saying that what they believe is not right. Wisdom and Discernment were required to make sure any further emotional damage would not result in making the matter worse. I think we were both sort-of walking on eggshells with each other. I could see that she wanted this misunderstanding resolved so that we both can get on with our lives and be sure that we left that room in a positive state. I think there was a little holding back on her part so as not to hurt me. I think I was doing the same. Because if we shared what we were holding back, it might result in another emotional disaster.  I felt like I talked her into apologizing for her part. Like I put the words in her mouth. That wasn’t very fair to me. She should have been a big enough person to see what it must have been like for me the (patient) and realize how it all affected me. I already apologized too many times to count. I guess that I was really hoping that she would do this on her own without being reminded of how she reacted to the incident. But in the end, all was well. I had promised her a sketch and I worked on it all the night before that last appointment and it sort of morph into a painting of a sunflower with a sparkly happy face in the middle where the seeds are. I put golden glitter all over it which gave it a little more detail and depth. Yes, I am a perfectionist. I wanted it to be special for her. She loved it. Oh, just in case she did not like it, I  gave her a sketch of one of my most favorite things, a Carousel Horse.  She loved that too. I think it is important to understand that if we have a difficult conversation and we could get hurt again and then there is always the possibility of making what “DBT, ( Dialectical Behavioral Therapy), calls a repair (Marsha Linehan developed DBT.) They are taught as skills for difficult emotions. Really it can be used by everyone. I hope that when I chose to give her something to remember me by,  it had a positive effect on her thereby making a “repair”. That made me very happy. We were smiling and laughing like it was before all this happened.  She asks if she could give me a hug and of course I said yes. The hug felt like it made all that had happened seem already passed and forgiven.  Yes, there were tears. I will always cherish the time spent with her and all the work that I was able to accomplish with the trauma and her guidance.

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Linda

Sad

I don’t know or understand why I am letting all this with the therapist, tear me apart. I thought that I was stronger than that. One big thing that she always said was,  “I want to empower you”. I don’t think that it worked.  I feel so low and hold no real beneficial power. I always thought that it was better to stay humble like Jesus taught us. But I don’t deserve to feel this low.

 

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Just what is it that she wanted out of that last conversation? She certainly did more than humiliate me. Is that what she wanted? Did she want to come away from this the champion? Well, I think she did. I sure don’t feel like a winner. I lost so much in this situation.  I hope she is proud of herself. She took a normally quiet humble “Linda” and turned her into dust, that with a swift breeze is blown away forever.

 

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I wonder how she is feeling today. Life goes on and there are patients who need attending too. Like a lost sheep, searching for her shepherd, I am more lost than ever.

 

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I am finding it hard to do anything. I don’t enjoy anything at this point in time. I hope that I get better because I can’t live this way! I feel like a beat-up boat going nowhere.

 

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I’m currently in this long and confusing process of figuring out who I am and what I want my life to be. I thought I had help with that until it was gone. I hate that feeling like I am missing something.

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I do know that every test in our life makes us bitter or better, every problem comes to break us or make us. The choice is ours whether we become “victim or victor”. I am not sure where I am yet with regard to this.

Linda

 

 

 

Low

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She seems to like sunflowers because she had them out front of the house by the sign and her appointment cards had sunflowers on them. So these are for her if she decides to read my blog.

The last few days have been difficult for me. I have been trying to distract myself but the hurt keeps pushing its way into my head and heart. I am feeling really down from that whole therapist thing. I am trying to have the right attitude through it all but it is hard. I am trying not to be too hard on her and yet respect my own pain.

I really hope that she is Ok.

My husband said, “Honey, I can see that you are hurt, is there anything I can do about it”. I replied, “no not really because it should be left alone and “time heals all wounds”. I did see my Doctor Thursday and I think he said we need to have a plan. Safety first! That’s the most important thing. He talked about maybe getting a new therapist, which to me sounds scary right now. I don’t ever want to get hurt like I did with Rachel. I am not sure that I can take that risk. I will say that the therapist’s that I did have in a clinical setting were always ok, not perfect, but ok.  Nothing happened to hurt me. I have had a lot of therapists over the years who were in private practice as well. I learned the difference. I just wish that I didn’t have to learn the difference by getting hurt. Out there in the world of private practice, they can take liberties and that in a clinical setting, there are stricter rules on what is allowed and acceptable. I think from now on I am going to stick to a clinical setting.

Rachel may not have meant to hurt me like she did, but I just wish she would apologize for her part in what happened. Just an apology out of respect and given the fact that I apologize over and over. I tried. Oh well, she might not ever talk to me again or apologize and I am going to have to live with it and get over it but it sure would make my healing a little easier to handle.

This post holds no magical words with profound meaning, just real life as it is.th (19)th (23)

 

Nothing is ever completely what it seems but above all things cause no harm!

 

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“The heart is more treacherous than anything else” Jeremiah 17:9

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This Robert Frost Quote has always had profound meaning to me. I have a lot more respect for the person who chooses to be different no matter how horrible others can make them feel. There is nothing wrong with being different if being different speaks the real truth or expresses their true gifts.

There is so much value and lesson in being humble………. the lack of humility can rip another’s heart apart without a word.     L.B.

Sometimes when the people you like hurt you, it’s better to stay quiet because if who you are is not enough, do you think your words will matter?

 

-PAXP-deijERachel,

All these quotes might seem a little much, but they all carry the wisdom that I want to express. I think these quotes should make us both think about what had occurred and how to handle ourselves the next time, perhaps even with others as well.

We all can do well to find the wisdom in these quotes and how they can relate to each of us. We are all imperfect humans and we all make mistakes. Of course, I am including myself. But what is most important, when this happens,  is in finding out what the right thing to do is and finding how to make a repair and step back and look at what happened with kindness,  not anger and always understanding that kindness calms the storm.  We need to forgive and to find a solution that can mend both people in the situation.

There are some circumstances that can not be mended because one person or the other will not own their part in the situation. This is so sad because this can make a very good relationship go bad. Then it has to end. It is permanent.

Unfortunately, whats done is done. We can not make a single person come forward and admit that they were partly wrong.  That is in their hands.

I have not written about the situation that happened to me in therapy because I wanted to be ever so careful with my words. So I chose these quotes to speak for me for now until I can write about it without crying.

Oh never mind here it is.

Rachel,

I hope you read this. My goal is not to injure you in any way and it never was but instead, maybe make you aware that what I did say in that moment might have triggered something in you. Perhaps I might be wrong but it seemed as though you forgot your place and that you forgot that  I was a patient obviously in a lot of pain and only half aware of what I was saying.  I will only speak the truth about what happened.  In my heart, I never meant to cause you any purposeful pain or offense. I was under the influence of cold medicine that had carried over into the next day and into my appointment with you.  I can not understand how you can hold me completely accountable for what I said because you should, after more than two years of seeing me for therapy,  know that what was said and how I said it was totally out of character for me.

Trust is so fragile.

Rachel,

if you are reading this I never said you were evil. I would never say that to anyone. I might have said that the world as a whole is right now under the power of the evil one. I did not specifically say that reiki and chakras were wrong. I was not trying to correct you.  I know that you are an intelligent woman it goes without saying. I never said or implied that you were not. I was trying to warn you that there are all powerful and dangerous forces behind all that energy that you share with others through Reika and to be careful. The source of the energy is not from where you think it is and it can turn on you and leave you in a very bad place as it has done to many many others and you can also unknowingly pass some on to those who you are working on with the healing.  My intentions were completely honest and from the heart. There might be a few things standing in the way of you seeing and understanding it clearly. All these mystical, magical or healing powers and unbelievable ideas about life and death, have a way of blurring one’s heart from the truth. That’s what they are meant to do. I may have been under the influence of the cold-medicine but I do know what I said and I did not ever call you evil. I think you are very sweet and kind. If you felt hurt, though not my intention, maybe it was your conscience or guilt or something like that. I do realize that how it all came out and how it must have sounded to you seemed confrontational.  But in a way, it was taken out of context and turned into something bigger. But if I had not been under the hold of the cold medicine I would not have ever said it at all. But still, in a way, I am glad that I did. Even though the truth hurts it usually comes out of love. Everything happens for a reason.

I can not be held responsible for the way you reacted to what I said. You said, “I am not trying to shame you but you were shamming me horribly. Putting me in that other room to talk with you was like saying that I no longer deserved to be in your office. I felt like a child. I apologized so many times that I could not possibly count. I was crying so hard that I could hardly speak. You barely gave me any time to speak anyway. I think you had your own agenda that day and it was to put me in my place. Well instead you put me in a place no patient should ever have to be or experience and I pray that you never do that again to anyone else.  But I am not angry only sad. I just don’t understand. I was blown away by the way you treated me. It was not professional and you “did” cause harm. Dr. Carousso called me today and asked if I wanted help in finding another therapist. Honestly, right now, I said I cannot answer that. It’s all too much. I may not ever want to risk ever being hurt that way and on that level ever again. That’s sad.

Even intelligent woman can make mistakes or be triggered by something that they never saw coming. But I think you forgot that I am an intelligent woman as well. I felt very disrespected and misunderstood. There was a lot of assuming and no efforts to try to understand what was really happening. You kept shutting me up and barely letting me talk and you continued going on and on with what you felt you needed me to know about how it hurt you and how I was so, so, so, wrong. Isn’t therapy supposed to be about me. I was humiliated by you the first time you told me but that wasn’t enough. One sincere apology on my part should have been good enough but it was not. It was not an even playing field, you always had the upper hand I knew and I felt it. You said you were not angry but your body language said it all. I have never saw this side of you. I never knew that you could be that way. You tried to make it all come off sounding therapeutic but it was so wrong. I trusted you to be my therapist but you felt more like another patient in that room. You made me feel completely unimportant while I was in that room and you said you did not have much time because you had somewhere to be. But it did not stop you from really letting me have it.

P.S. I mean you no disrepect……..up until now I thought you were awesome. I will always be grateful for all you gave of yourself and all that you taught me. I will remember your smile forever because it lights up the room every time. I will never forget the fun we had and that pink thing that we had in common. Maybe we were way too much alike and finally found that out. I do not regret giving you the inspiration rock because I will never forget how you inspired me to want to know more and be all that I can be.

I just don’t know what to make of it.

I just don’t understand.

before you speak ask yourself

Unless you are under the influence of some substance and don’t really have the control needed to keep how you feel, unsaid.

I am so sorry for hurting you but I think what really happened by what I said, is that it made you question your whole belief system. What was said should have not come at you in that way. I was partly wrong in that.

I forgive you for your part but forgetting is going to have to take some time.

I thought that you might be a big enough person to make an apologie of your own. I cant make you do that but whether you contact me and apologize or not, it will define what kind of person you truly are.

Take care,

Linda