I wanted and deserved a better closure. My doctor said, “how would it be if you called. Could you do that”? I thought about it for a while and then said she might not let me have a closure session. He said, “there are pros and cons to trying this. I know the cons are that she will say no or she will say yes and the session could be worse. The pros are that she might agree to have another session to have a more peaceful closure. That would be best for the both of us.
I was a little nervous about going back to my therapist for a better closure session. It started out feeling awkward to me. I don’t know how she felt. She put me back in that room again instead of her office. Well, I very calmly asked, “why this room”. I told her it felt like I was being punished or something. I thought maybe I no longer deserved to be in her office. I am very glad that I asked because she wanted to make sure that I was comfortable and not distracted by her reiki massage table and all that goes with that. I misunderstood why she put me in that room. See how easy it is to assume things about another’s intentions. I was glad that I asked her. She wanted to be kind and fair while understanding everyone has their own belief system. We have to be careful not to intrude on others beliefs or harshly put them down in saying that what they believe is not right. Wisdom and Discernment were required to make sure any further emotional damage would not result in making the matter worse. I think we were both sort-of walking on eggshells with each other. I could see that she wanted this misunderstanding resolved so that we both can get on with our lives and be sure that we left that room in a positive state. I think there was a little holding back on her part so as not to hurt me. I think I was doing the same. Because if we shared what we were holding back, it might result in another emotional disaster. I felt like I talked her into apologizing for her part. Like I put the words in her mouth. That wasn’t very fair to me. She should have been a big enough person to see what it must have been like for me the (patient) and realize how it all affected me. I already apologized too many times to count. I guess that I was really hoping that she would do this on her own without being reminded of how she reacted to the incident. But in the end, all was well. I had promised her a sketch and I worked on it all the night before that last appointment and it sort of morph into a painting of a sunflower with a sparkly happy face in the middle where the seeds are. I put golden glitter all over it which gave it a little more detail and depth. Yes, I am a perfectionist. I wanted it to be special for her. She loved it. Oh, just in case she did not like it, I gave her a sketch of one of my most favorite things, a Carousel Horse. She loved that too. I think it is important to understand that if we have a difficult conversation and we could get hurt again and then there is always the possibility of making what “DBT, ( Dialectical Behavioral Therapy), calls a repair (Marsha Linehan developed DBT.) They are taught as skills for difficult emotions. Really it can be used by everyone. I hope that when I chose to give her something to remember me by, it had a positive effect on her thereby making a “repair”. That made me very happy. We were smiling and laughing like it was before all this happened. She asks if she could give me a hug and of course I said yes. The hug felt like it made all that had happened seem already passed and forgiven. Yes, there were tears. I will always cherish the time spent with her and all the work that I was able to accomplish with the trauma and her guidance.