I have not written on this blog for far too long. It should not be that way. Even if I am having a difficult time, I should still write. This is my way of helping others.
I get discouraged a lot by the fact that I don’t function very well in a job or socially out there in the big old wide world. It is very intimating to me. Why is it that a part of me feels as though if I wanted to, I could do anything that I set my mind to? Why also, do I feel that I do not have the strength or courage to carry out finding a job suited for me and keeping it. What am I so afraid of. I know that there are legitimate reasons to why I am on disability. I feel that for me it’s not a good enough excuse.
I do understand however that, my thoughts to do something meaningful and the courage to carry them out are two completely different opposing thoughts. It’s hard living with these battles in my head. Sometimes I fear leaving the house to go anywhere. I do think that this fear has built up over time, but it has not always been this way. When did I get to this point where I fear to connect with the world. Sometimes I feel that way with family too. I hate that. I love my family very much. Especially my girls and my grandchildren. It’s not fair that I have these fears. I am not sure that I can blame them on my past though. We all have choices. Is it, that I just got into the habit of not going out and the habit of avoiding circumstances or events that just seem to be intimidating for me.
I could blame it on being highly sensitive and I could blame it on being an INFJ personality type or I can blame it on my past and what happened to me. But that is just all too simple a way out. Why can’t I challenge myself a little? Then there is the fear that comes from challenging myself even just a little. How did I get to becoming a hermit?
I am hard on myself. I know I would not think this way toward others in my situation so why can’t I let myself off the hook. I have legitimate reasons why things are so hard for me. Why can’t that be enough for now?