I am slow this morning. I haven’t even gotten dressed. My neck pain is getting better everyday. Soon I will be off of the steroid and the muscle relaxer. My usual meds got all out of whack. I was missing some and too many of others and not paying attention to what I was taking. It messed with my head and my body. I had side-effects all over the place. It was carelessness on my part. In fact, it even made me sick. Medication is nothing to fool around with. I have to learn to be more responsible in taking them correctly. I might have had a touch of serotonin syndrome because I took more than the right amount of anti-depressant meds. It was not done on purpose. It was a mistake. The way that I felt as a result of this mistake caused me to be much more careful.
Well its been a couple of days since my last therapy session. It was an emotional session for me. I hope it did not show that much. We talked about my relationship with my daughter, Crystal. Even though it has been years since those difficult times together. There is still some deep sadness for me. I also have sadness for her and how all that had happened effected her. She won’t admit that she was affected but I am her mom and I know she was. She thinks that she has gotten really good at hiding her emotions. We have come along way since those last few years before she left home. Back then, everyday was a battle. I took everything that happened to heart. Given my up-bringing I handled the situation the only that I knew how at that the time. I thought I was doing the right thing in handling these outburst but I was beaten down by my past and I thought that if I just made myself smaller or invisible when she got that way that it would help keep the peace but it did not. That’s what I did in my childhood, whatever it took to keep things calm and quiet the anger which for me was terrifying, because of being raised by a father with a lot of anger. I think that irritated her more and then everything would escalate again. I am sure that there were many times that I over-reacted to the situation. She did too.
I understand through this last therapy session that I just had, that Crystal was very attached to us. She used to sleep in our bed up until she was about eight years old. She was the last one to leave home. From my understanding it was easier for her to be angry with me in order to separate from this strong attachment. I had a hunch that was what it was all along. She had gotten herself so worked up that last day and she was so angry with me. Its like she was creating an environment that made it impossible for her to stay home. If things were peaceful she would have found it harder to leave home. It’s a shame that it had to happen that way but having a clearer understanding of why she behaved the way that she did and why I behaved the way that I did helped with the pain it caused her and I and it helped both of us to move on from there. She is doing really well on her own. I am very proud of her. She is a go-getter. She is getting married in October. Its coming up quick. I feel as though her and I have resolved most of what happened. So now all that is left to do is to move forward and enjoy all the stages of her up coming wedding. I am so happy for her.
I had a horrible nights sleep. My husband took me to the hospital Saturday night for a stiff neck. It’s still very painful. All the neck muscles in the right side of my neck are the ones affected. They just locked up. I had almost constant muscle spasms. I was given flexural as a muscle relaxer and Lidocaine patches and methylprednisolone to bring down the swelling. They did not work right away so I suffered in horriable pain until the pills kicked in.
I had a difficult night last night for sleep. I am trying to have a positive attitude about all this but its been challenging.
As I sit here on this Monday morning, praying finally the meds will work. This is only the second day on them. It will take time for the swelling and spasms to dissipate.
I plan on making the best of the day and the pain and try to pull out something positive to distract me from the pain.
It’s frustrating to me when I seem to be doing fine one day and then out of the blue my mood takes a nose dive. I am left with no energy and no motivation to accomplish all that I need to do and all that I want to do in that day. Monday for example was a seemingly perfect day. Wendsday however was a really low day. But I have been there before and I will be there again.
I know now through experiance to just enjoy the good day and never mind what happens the next day. I just want to enjoy each good day! I cannot spend my time waiting for the next time that my mood drops because I might not notice or realize the good days and what I can achieve. There are times that my day is so productive that I almost feel that I won’t ever have a bad one again. Because when you are in a certain mood its hard to see the opposite mood. Well that’s how it seems to me. Even the down days feel like they will never end and tomorrow will be the same. The best thing for me is to remember that life is ever-changing and I want to cherish my good days and though I may have a bad day, I just seek out the best things of that day and keep living for everyday. I want to see the beauty in everyday. Sometimes I say to myself, why can’t I be like everyone else but perhaps having such dramatic mood shifts is a gift in a strange way. They help me see just how precious life really is and how grateful I am to be alive.
Without the rain there would be no flowers.
Its finding the jem among the stones and treasuring it.
Walls do talk, though you might not think.
They can tell you things that people just can’t see.
They speak volumes of history within.
Large or small.
Even walls on places you can only crawl.
Stories of joy and loss.
Stories of horror that defy decent laws.
Some scream to tell of great sins.
on the ceiling and the floors,
and all the places within.
The secrecy of hearts-imprinted in this space.
Telling stories hidden from the face.
The cover of this place attempts to hide what the walls can say.
But history is captured by those who dare to listen.
If the walls did talk what would they say to us? If the sky cried are they raindrops or are they tears that cascade down and sore through the atmosphere, revealing centuries old pain. And would it validate the millions that suffer at the hands of others. If all survivors of such atrocities were to shout up to the heavens, would it even make a sound.
We simply can not shout because there is a blanket of darkness that keeps our secrets in. These secretes become trapped in our hearts and in our minds to work out at some safe future time.
There were many serious injury’s that have happened in my childhood and still are with me today. I know how precious childhood is because of things that I went without like nurturing and affection. I went without enough emotional care or connection from my mom. I did receive some affection from my father as an infant. But that was to change and turn into terror at his designated time.
We have no idea what genes we will get at the moment of our conception. We can not choose our genes and we cannot choose our parents. We are at the mercy of there inherited parenting skills. These skills that they were taught, trickled down to future generations.
We need to do all that is in our power to make a change.
A simple life lesson is, the stove is on and it can burn my hand if I touch it. I don’t have to test it because I can feel the heat.
Today in therapy my anxiety was not as bad as the last two times. Even sitting in the waiting room sipping my Dunkin Donuts ice coffee, I was fairly calm. I always stress a little bit before therapy. I never know what we will discuss until it happens. Stressing ahead of time does not serve me well. I am learning to actually use a lot of the skills that I have been taught over the years to cope with emotions and traumatic memories. I know that at anytime we could hit a trigger. It scares me every time it happens. But I won’t run away from it. I have been doing that all my life and it never helps. It only sets me back more. My therapist said I was brave today.
I talked about a current situation that scared me and through the EMDR session I made a connection to the past. My son-in-law, “I love him to death” but he scares me sometimes with is strong and powerful voice. While on vacation with them, my son-in-law yelled at my daughter to make his point. It set up in me the fight or flight reaction. We talked in therapy about some of what happened to me when my son-in-law and daughter were fighting. Its not what they were saying that scared me. They both had valid points to what they were saying to each other. But it was not words but anger that caused that fight or flight fear from the past. Perhaps I react that way to loud voices and angry voices because when I was still very little I was afraid of my father and his fits. When his voice would get loud and he started throwing things us kids ran to hide. That’s my past connection to how I react today when I hear anger or shouting or even just loud noises. I get startled easy. Now I know more about why I do that.
I learned two important things from my session today. One, I made that connection from the present to the past. I am starting to understand EMDR better than I ever have and have even more confidence that this kind of therapy will work for me. Number two, I learned that I could tolerate feeling difficult emotions and anxiety and still sit there and work on it. I guess I was kinda proud of myself today.
Here I am, waiting for the insurance guy to come and give an estimate on my car. Yes, there was another accident. I was in the right lane and the other person was in the left. He tried to turn into my lane, cutting me off. We did not hit thankfully. There were a lot of cars around that could have been involved. Instead I turned away to try to avoid an accident. I succeeded in avoiding cars, including his but I lost control of the vehicle and took down a mail box of a candy store. I guess that I won’t go to that candy store anymore. There is very little damage but I want it fixed because it is a fairly new car. So I am waiting for him to arrive at precisely 8:00.
I chose to get my housework done early and go out after to plant some sunflowers. Oh, I think he’s here. He is going to check the car and write me a check, “no pun intended”.
Its been awhile since I have written on this blog. I was going through a difficult transition in my life and did not feel up to much of anything. I am better now.
Everything is going well, so far, with my new therapist. I’ve made a decision to write about my sessions in hopes that it will not only help me to express myself but also to validate and encourage others. It’s a big step, going to therapy. The brave and courageous are usually the ones that seem to choose therapy. If a person chooses therapy, that is not some defect in them. It’s not a bad thing to have to do. I am grateful for therapy. The therapist actually listens to me and validates what I am going through now and what I went through in the past. I didn’t have that in my childhood. Children suffer in silence because of fear. A person suffers in their adult life as the aftermath of that trauma. There is help available. Sad to say, there are a lot of other people out there who either do not have the therapy option or don’t know that they do. So many people suffer in silence their whole life. Other people think they can get through trauma on their own and judge others for going but their adult life is a mess. Not everyone has the courage to go to therapy. I commend all that do. It is not a weakness to go to therapy. Its a strength!