Seeing with your minds eye

I am slow this morning. I haven’t even gotten dressed. My neck pain is getting better everyday. Soon I will be off of the steroid and the muscle relaxer. My usual meds got all out of whack. I was missing some and too many of others and not paying attention to what I was taking. It messed with my head and my body. I had side-effects all over the place. It was carelessness on my part. In fact, it even made me sick. Medication is nothing to fool around with. I have to learn to be more responsible in taking them correctly. I might have had a touch of serotonin syndrome because I took more than the right amount of anti-depressant meds. It was not done on purpose. It was a mistake. The way that I felt as a result of this mistake caused me to be much more careful.

Well its been a couple of days since my last therapy session. It was an emotional session for me. I hope it did not show that much. We talked about my relationship with my daughter, Crystal. Even though it has been years since those difficult times together. There is still some deep sadness for me. I also have sadness for her and how all that had happened effected her. She won’t admit that she was affected but I am her mom and I know she was. She thinks that she has gotten really good at hiding her emotions. We have come along way since those last few years before she left home. Back then, everyday was a battle. I took everything that happened to heart. Given my up-bringing I handled the situation the only that I knew how at that the time. I thought I was doing the right thing in handling these outburst but I was beaten down by my past and I thought that if I just made myself smaller or invisible when she got that way that it would help keep the peace but it did not. That’s what I did in my childhood, whatever it took to keep things calm and quiet the anger which for me was terrifying, because of being raised by a father with a lot of anger. I think that irritated her more and then everything would escalate again. I  am sure that there were many times that I over-reacted to the situation.  She did too.

I understand through this last therapy session that I just had, that Crystal was very attached to us. She used to sleep in our bed up until she was about eight years old.  She was the last one to leave home. From my understanding it was easier for her to be angry with me in order to separate from this strong attachment. I had a hunch that was what it was all along. She had gotten herself so worked up that last day and she was so angry with me. Its like she was creating an environment that made it impossible for her to stay home. If things were peaceful she would have found it harder to leave home. It’s a shame that it had to happen that way but having a clearer understanding of why she behaved the way that she did and why I behaved the way that I did helped with the pain it caused her and I and it helped both of us to move on from there. She is doing really well on her own. I am very proud of her. She is a go-getter.  She is getting married in October. Its coming up quick. I feel  as though her and I have resolved most of what happened. So now all that is left to do is to move forward and enjoy all the stages of her up coming wedding. I am so happy for her.

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