I want more than ever to be passed my painful childhood. I am tired of the hold that it has on me. I say this, not because I am giving up on the idea of moving past it all but instead because I want more for my life. I want to live and not just exist. That is what I have been doing for decades. There has to be an end to that. How long do I put myself through the chaos of past traumas? What do I need to be doing that I am not already doing? Will it ever end? Am I causing my own suffering by struggling to move through it all? These are a lot of questions that I have been asking myself over and over for far to long. When does it end? It ends when I start to begin to live my life despite the work that I have to go through. My life is not waiting for me to be done with this. My life is passing everyday no matter how I use each day or how I feel or what I must work on to make it better.
I think its living in the moment and appreciating all that God has provided for us to enjoy life. He knows we suffer and he know the way out of it all. Its reliance on him and knowledge of his great wisdom found in his own book, his own word, the Bible.
But there is so much that I can do to change my life. I know that I lack motivation to do the very things that will jumpstart my living instead of just existing. I am working hard in therapy. I never waste time with that. I try to learn and to get all that I can out of it and express as much as I am able to feel as if I am really moving forward. I haven’t given up on therapy and I haven’t given up on my life. I know that there are many means to choose how to live my life. Staying in place perpetually is not living. I can not just say that I am moving forward and making changes but I must prove my words by works. It takes the desire to want to change and all the energy that I can muster but I will do it.
I have a really nice therapist. I don’t feel pushed by her but instead I feel supported by her in my endeavor to move past my past. She listens well and does not judge. She has a very calming soft-spoken voice. Believe me when I say that it is so important to trauma survivors that we are understood for what we went through and are given the compassion and understanding that is needed to go through the storm of memories and out the other side where the light is. It’s where our life is going on with or without us. The sun will rise and the sun will set everyday as it has since the beginning of time and will go on forever. I want to be a part of life. I don’t want to be hiding out in my house waiting and waiting for something big to happen that will save me. That is just not going to happen. It takes initiative and hard work to open my door and step out into the world and begin to taste life despite the trauma. I cannot wait around to do this. Its gotten me no where. My life has been like running in place and getting nothing out of it. That is not how life is supposed to be. There is no law that says that our life has to stop because we have great trauma to work through. I know that I can have both going on simultaneously and feel fulfilled that I am doing the right thing for myself and the seriously injured child within me.
I have the strength it takes to go through the trauma and I have the strength it takes to live despite it. I am not waiting around anymore. I am bored with these same four walls that hold me in this perpetual prison of suffering. I want a new view. I want to breathe freely without fear of going back to the way that I was.
There is no going back!