Its Sunday! It’s not a perfect day, not even close. I can’t always identify why my mood takes a nose dive from one day to the next. I have an idea that it is because I am very frustrated. I know my therapist wants me to be ready and safe to work on the past. But my past has taken up so much of my life already. Sometimes it seems like in order to work on the past, my life has to stop. I want more than anything or almost more than anything to be past my past. I would love to wake up in the morning and strech and smile at the beautiful wide open day before me without pain. That’s not even close to realistic. But still, I want it. This world is in such a crazy mess and it just keeps getting worse. It’s not possible to have a perfect day but anything close to that would be fine. I am tired of waking up in the morning with this lost feeling. That’s the perfect way to describe how I feel right now, lost. Do I go back and work on the past or do I let it go and make the best of the rest of my life? Can I do that? Can I move on without the barriers that where built up over time to protect me? Is it possiable to go out into the wide open world with feeling completely safe? I want to get on with my life and do things differently but will my moods dictate the direction of my day, everyday? Is taking the time to work on the past and break those barriers that I built to protect myself but leave me locked out of life? It is reasonable to think that doing the therapy work (EMDR), can and will free me from bad habits and old ways of coping with distress. Can it free me from old beliefs about myself? Can I trust in this process and be patient enough to allow myself the needed time to process all that old trauma and all the behaviors and old beliefs that have messed up my life? Can I be free from it? I know that not one of us can have a perfect life in such an imperfect world. But to be realistic, I just want to be happy and moving forward to carry out some dreams that I have had for a long time. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I don’t want to fear every step I make. I don’t want to jump every time I hear a loud sound or experience the demonstration of some one elses anger. I don’t want to be afraid of people. I don’t want to be afraid of life as happens.
I have built up a lot of coping skills through decades of therapy. Sometimes I use them and sometimes I just get so frustrated and refuse to do the things that will make me feel better. I still have so much sadness and anger over the atrocities of my childhood and I know that I cannot just move on with my life until I figure out how to change old habits and behaviors based on how I was raised and based on what I went through as a child. It does not just go away. I know that it takes time to heal and but I have been waiting a long time. I have put great effort in therapy to be freed from these chains that hold me back from real living.I did not have a successful experience with the last therapist and EMDR, (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), but I am willing to give it another try. But I am going to do my best to enjoy as much of my life as I am able even though I am doing this difficult therapy. Yes, it’s not easy. Its gut-busting work but it is my understanding that when I am though, I will be able to enjoy my life in a different way. I might be seeing life through new eyes and a new understanding of my place in this world and perhaps actually feel real untainted joy. I believe in my therapist and I believe in myself.
I can do it!