Disappointment

 

 

Did you ever have that one thing that you wanted or wanted to happen and you put all your emotion and time into trying to make it happen? I did just that. I never learn when it comes to believing that anything can happen if you just want it bad enough. Like as if all the energy that you put into has power. But it is that magical thinking that kids have. I guess there are parts of me that did not mature when I grew up. I don’t handle disappointments very well. They tend to block out anything else important. There is just this drive to achieve the end result, the thing that I wanted to happen. Everyone says to live your dreams but some dreams are not meant to be. If they are to happen in the future, much like a child thinks, for me it seems like forever.

Ok I will get to the point. I have been wishing for this for my whole life. My husband always got his way when it came to picking out a dog. Yes, it’s about a dog. I know to anyone reading, my emotions connected to this seem exaggerated and lame.  It’s not lame believe me. I am one of those people who take things to heart a little more than most. To some a disappointment might seem hard in the moment but for me it becomes the biggest thing in my life. It becomes so painful to me if what I want or have dreamt all my life does not happen or won’t happen for the foreseeable future.

I have always loved golden retrievers. I think they are beautiful, intelligent and loving. I always knew this about them because I remember them from my childhood. I remember how they made me feel. They made me feel safe and loved and cared about. The things that parents are supposed to do or be for their children. It’s amazing to me that the senses on these dogs are so strong and they are so intuitive. They seem to know without being told or taught how to comfort someone in need. I have always wanted my parents to get a golden instead of the Shepard’s they always got. There is nothing wrong with German Shepard’s but my dad was not very good to them and they always turned out aggressive. My father had a tendency to be selfish and not take into consideration what other family members think or want in a dog. In fact my father is the reason why I need a PTSD dog.

Well, I am not a kid anymore and I thought that I could have a golden retriever now because I am an adult who can make up my own mind if and what type of dog to choose.  Because of their calming manner and their ability to notice even subtle changes in the human body,  they are trained as service dogs.  They know how to react in order to help those with needs. Given the fact that I have PTSD I thought what a perfect way to get the dog that I have always wanted and to have him serve my medical needs as well. I am not at all like my dad. I am very kind to animals. I have a cat named Max who is awesome. If I were to get a golden I would give it all the love and attention that these or any dogs needs. I have four beautiful daughters. Raising them was the best time of my life. They brought me so much joy despite what I went through as a child. I would put the same love and care into any animal just like I did with my girls. I have a big back yard too. So my future golden retriever will have plenty of room to grow and play. I want a female because we have always had male dogs and I want to know what it is like to raise a female. I want to name her Maise. See I have dreaming for a long time. I know what I want and I know what I need.

My husband said awhile back that I could have a golden retriever puppy to raise and to train for my service dog. He means well but sometimes leads me on to believe that he will get me the dog. He is strapped financially right now so he can’t help get me one. I am on disability so I can’t afford to buy one. I can’t even seem to find a one year old rescue for free. Dogs are so expensive now. To get a good akc registered pure breed we are talking about thousands of dollars. I have had a few chances at a puppy for under a thousand but neither my husband or I had even that much money. My husband is not giving me a hard time about. I don’t want anyone to think that. But he is a financially responsible person. He is not stopping me from getting one. He’s says by the beginning of next year he probably would be able to purchase a dog. He tries to make me happy. He wants me to have what I want. I don’t push him on anything. He is a generous man. He is a kind man it’s just not within his means right now. The adult Linda understands that but the immature Linda wants a dog now. I have a lot of emotional maturing to do. I could have been easier on him instead of making him feel bad that he could not do this for me. I feel awful about that.

It’s not just that I want this breed but I want and need a service dog. This will enable me to get out of the house more and stop being a hermit. I have high anxiety and PTSD. These dogs are trained to know what to do when I am anxious or having flashbacks.

 

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I have tried places that train your dog for free and it seems that military people are the ones that they cater to. If you have PTSD for childhood trauma or any other trauma it is very hard to get help in getting a trained dog. Believe me I tried and I tried many avenues on the internet only to become extremely frustrated and doubtful that it will ever happen for me. I even tried to set up a go-fund-me account and that did not work at all. I know some people who asked for the most foolish or selfish things and they got the money raised for it. I must be doing something wrong that I have no success. I have exhausted all that I can think of to get help with this.

Yes I could probably wait until next year when my husband might be able to help me but it is so frustrating to wait when I really need a service dog now to help move on with my life and to get out of the house in order to function better and achieve some valuable goals. Fear keeps me locked in my home. I know that there is a golden retriever out there for me and the means to train it to my needs.  I won’t give up hope on this long time dream.

I have to be more patient.

Linda

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