I did some EMDR (EYE MOVEMENT DESENTISATION AND REPROSSESING) today in therapy and it went pretty well, I think. She said I did really good. Ok, I can’t remember her actual words. The outcome was good. That is the way that it should be.
I talked about my husband and our up-and-coming wedding anniversary celebration. I got the dinner under control. We are having lasagna for our special dinner. I got the champagne and ICE CREME CAKE which is the traditional dessert. Usually its a CARVEL ice cream cake. They are so good. Sorry that side thought caught me off guard and I just had to say it. You know how that happens right?
The only issue that came up was being intimate together that night of our anniversary. I seem to be constantly triggered by the very idea of intimacy. I always end up feeling really bad about myself for withholding my body. Yes, sex, there I said it. Often times we start out ok but I can easily get triggered by seeing my dads face aka flashback, over me instead of my husband. How awful is that? That’s what I fear happening each and every time we attempt sex. In therapy today I brought up all the feelings that I was holding onto about my husband and how unfair this all is to him. The poor guy just wants to have sex on our wedding anniversary. He has been an amazing husband all through the years together. I owe him so much! I know to some this may seem like an easy thing to be able to do. But if you talk to survivors of childhood sexual abuse you are going to get similar answers. It is very difficult to be in the middle of it and then get triggered and everything comes to a complete stop. How horrible is that for my husband to have to just stop. How rude. No seriously, he understands my difficulties and he accepts whatever happens when it happens.
He deserves more than that and I am going to do my very best to make our night special. I will keep trying. My husband hasn’t given up on us and I am not giving up either.