I tried…I really tried to go to sleep in hopes of calming my anxiety and calming my fears. It did not work so well. I tossed and I turned and turned again to the point of waking my sleeping husband. That’s not right. He gets up really early in the morning. He drives through difficult traffic on his way to work. He thought that this was an opportunity for him to take his chances on sex. Nope……….not happening either. I find it really hard to concentrate on my husband and sometimes I see my fathers face. That is very scary. But I feel selfish. It’s not fair to him. Our anniversary is coming up at the end of June. I want it to be special and of course sex is always a part of our celebration. That connection, for lack of a better term, is precious and has kept us happy for 38 years. I know my struggle will eventually end but its hard when I feel so deep into the trauma. I want the other side like it was yesterday. I get angry at myself for not working harder or faster or stronger or something. It’s frustrating to be patient and wait. My husband deserves the best that I can give him. I need the past to take a vacation for a while. I know it sounds silly but it’s entirely truthful.
So here I am back at my recliner and writing this post. It does feel good to write about how I am feeling. It gets it out of my head for a while.
I feel lost and heavy tonight.