I watched a very moving video of a forty-year old woman who was abandoned by her Mom when she was only eight years old. It was a very powerful movie. She found her mom and she asked her Mom to stay with her for 10 days and she helped her mom see how this abandonment negatively effected her life. In the end the mom felt such guilt over leaving her. The daughter asked her to come because she was dying but did not let on right away about that. I wont go any farther than that so if anybody wanted to watch it I wouldn’t give it all away. You can find it on Netflix. Its called Illness.
It left me crying for a while and then I was ok. I started doing other things and suddenly I started to feel empty and even raw. I did not understand right away why I was feeling this way. I also felt a deep sadness. I finally realized that the movie touched on some nerves with my own mom. She did not abandon me like the movie. But although I saw her everyday of my childhood, I felt abandoned and betrayed by her. There is a difference between the mom in the movie and my mom. The difference is that the movie mom had finally realized what her daughter had been through and wanted to make a difference. In the final days of that girl’s life her mother was completely there for her. They made peace with past. My mom was there all along in my life but it felt as if she wasn’t. I needed her protection but she failed horribly. I needed her love but could not feel it. I always wondered just what was I to her? Perhaps a burden. That’s all I knew was this feeling that she did not want me and maybe she wished I was never born. This may not be true but that is how I felt.
She is not even in my life today. She lives in Tennessee with my youngest brother. I hardly hear from her.
Oh well, the movie made me sad and made me think of her. I do still love her even after everything that happened but I am not sure of her love for me. She could say it from time to time but actions speak louder than words. If only she could tell me and if only I could believe her then perhaps maybe I could have peace with it all.
What a Sunday!