Well, Clyde, my dear husband, went to the convention today with his brother Carl. I am glad because Carl needed someone to take him because of the eye surgery he had and he should not drive. It worked out well. I always get nervous when Clyde travels so far away from home but I trust his driving experience. I am glad he is so faithful to Jehovah and his dedication to carrying out all his responsibilities to the best of his ability’s. I am so proud of him. I am always so proud of him all the time.
I just wish that he was as proud of himself. I am not sure why he puts himself down so much. He calls himself idiot all the time and stupid, loser, “fat bald and ugly and he lives in a shack on a hill and I don’t want him”. The latter is his favorite saying.
I know that his childhood was not that great either but he had difficulty’s that were different from mine when I was little. I feel so bad for him every time that he puts himself down. It’s really sad because he truly is an amazing man. He is a great husband and a great father. He really is very intelligent. It’s so hard to understand why he does this. I love him so much and when he hurts I hurt too.
The very idea of having a successful lifelong marriage and the privilege of raising beautiful children and to see them off into their own lives and families is a huge blessing that he had a very huge part in. I struggled with my illnesses as a result of the aftermath of chronic child abuse but that aside, we still built an amazing life together and as a strong family. I am so very grateful for every day of my life. God has given so many reasons for joy. It is hard to wake up in the morning without a smile for my God for all he has done. I say my prayer even before getting out of bed in the morning. It’s my time with my heavenly father. What a great way to open the morning with cheer and gratitude. I pray for guidance through my day and always feel a strong sense of God on my side as I go through my day. I am sure to have success in my day if I include him in everything.
With us, all together as a family are all playing their roles. In this way, we are always making up for what is missing and making repairs with each other as we sometimes stubble through unforeseen occupancies that do befall us all. One is always lifting another in there time of need and then it comes around full circle so that all members of the family through their great demonstration of love for each other heal the family all in there own loving way.
It is a privilege and honor that I feel, to have the opportunity to raise happy safe children despite what I went through as a child. We are all so resilient in our own special ways.
I feel that I have been truly blessed by God to have such joys in my life despite my difficulties. What an honor it is to serve such a loving heavenly father who has never let me down and always provided a way out of the pain. I did not always listen but eventually realized the benefits displayed in our beautiful family and on my behalf.
Never give up. Wherever there is pain there is a way out.seek it out and reach…God will not disappoint you. Not ever.
Love to all!
I have been away from my blog. There has been so much going on and so much to do that it just gets crazy sometimes. I am starting to do some freelance writing. I got my office all set up. It’s a perfect space for inspiration. Its a scary writing world out there but I am going to do it! I do have what it takes. My daughters are not the only go-getters in our family. Where do they think they got it from?
No seriously its a leap of faith. I have no children at home to interfere with my work. I have complete quietness. I love that I have a job that I like to do and no one looking over my shoulder. I can set my own hours. I can work in my pajamas if I want to. It will be a challenge sometimes. I am sure of that, as my moods affect my day. I will have to do research and perhaps interview people. That could be exciting. I am going to start Monday.
Besides all that I have been taking other leaps as well. I got invited out for dinner Thursday and I actually went and had a great time. It all feels like starting a new. Time will tell.
She was screaming and pulling on my shirt,
And looking desperate to be free.
I became embarrassed very easily,
From her childlike fears and needs.
I am not her mother,
But she pleads for me to be.
I just went on with my day.
For a time she fades away.
Life seems normal and free.
But only because she hides,
Till the next time that she can plead.
There it goes again.
That pulling on my shirt.
If I keep ignoring, what will it do to her?
If I keep ignoring will I be the one that’s hurt?
I try sometimes.
To this there is proof.
For each time that she pulls at my shirt,
I get farther and farther from ignoring her,
And much less aloof.
I did not think that today would be such a busy day. But, you never know what each day will bring. I needed to go grocery shopping, not my favorite thing to do anymore, but my husband called and told me to wait until the dumpster gets delivered. Well I did and as I heard the big truck roll up my street I knew that I had to get dressed fast because I was not presentable the way that I looked. However, before I could make a break to my bedroom to change there was a knock at the door. It was the dumpster guy who turned out to be very nice and asked me to come out to show him just where we wanted it. I said to him, “well I am not really dressed”. He replied, “ah don’t worry no one is looking. So I took his advice and went out and showed him where and said thank you and then darted back in the house. You know, I never get dressed soon enough and I am always caught the way I am dressed when someone knocks on the door. I have been known to not answer the door. Its rude but when I am in that moment I am more worried about my own embarrassment.
Well I finally got dressed about 11 am. I went off grocery shopping. It was ok. There were not a lot of people there this time. Really, its true when people say, “timing is everything”. It did not take me long and I think I actually enjoyed it. When I was done there I set off to find some paintings for my living room. I became very frustrated because I could not find the perfect painting for the wall that I wanted it for. I believe the way that I decorate says a lot about me, so I wanted the painting to reflect that and to be cohesive with my choice of design. I did find a piece. It was perfect. The frame was the right wood grain color. It was a floral with birds which goes perfect with my whimsical_sparkle theme. I was very happy with my choice and the price was right as well.
Tomorrow is another day, so for now I am going to get some much-needed down-time. Provided that my husband does not snore to loudly. It can be a challenge to get to sleep to begin with but when you hear the occasional lawn mower sound in your ear it’s very hard to settle down enough to sleep. I love my husband…my dear husband but I do not like the snoring, not one little bit. Hey that kinda sounded like a Doctor Sues line. I’m such a little girl sometimes. I think this fact is reflected in my decorating too.
Well my daughter is finally settled in her new home just down the road from me. Its awesome knowing that as my grandsons get older they will be able to ride their bikes down to see Nana and Papa. First week in their new home and already the boys asked for Nana to make cookies. Well, I know that they had a little prodding from my daughter, Jazzy, who is their Aunty and Nanny. She finally has her own room, her own space. She hasn’t had that since she left home to help her sister out with the kids. Amy, my other daughter, the new home owner, has a very busy life. She is director of nursing where she works. Yes, she makes the big bucks but her job is demanding. Earning that kind of money always comes with some price. I think, in her case, it’s that she does not have as much time for the boys that she would like. But she is an excellent Mom and takes really good care of her children. It’s obvious to me that she wants nothing but the best for them. I am so proud of her. I am also so proud of Jasmine, aka , Jazzy, because she takes excellent care of her nephews.
Well there are changes in my home as well. I have spent a lot of time painting the walls in my house and redecorating. We are getting a dumpster this weekend to purge all the accumulated stuff from decades of storage. When closets start to bust at the seams, its time to get rid of some stuff. Some of it will be donated to Good Will. The rest will see the dumpster soon. We have the girls old beds, furniture, old tv’s and the couches that we are replacing with a brand new set. The old set has seen better days. Although it is leather, it has gone through children’s pouncing and shenanigans and its gone through many pets who felt that the couch was their space. The new set is coming Tuesday. So we need to get rid of everything before then. Our house has gotten a face lift. It needed it for a very long time. There is still more that we need to do but its going to take patience and more money. Everything comes in good time.
It has been great for my constantly changing moods lately. It has given me something positive to focus on. I need a lot more of that in my life for sure. I am one of those people who has to have my home completely organized or I am not at complete peace with myself. It’s not always a bad thing. Once all this organizing and purging is done than I will need to find other positive things to focus on. Perhaps it will be putting more effort into my writing and I should start using that “art studio” of mine. Things seem to be coming together for me but I am not going to put too much excitement into it yet. Time will tell if I am actually doing better emotionally. I have been working on the trauma and I feel quite a bit of relief from the symptoms. I know that there is still more to work on but if my partial success is proof that it will work out than the remaining effort to work through the rest will defiantly be worth it.
I was driving to therapy and noticing the clouds in the sky, I saw a very odd one. It was a very very dark color. It almost looked like it was smoke from something burning. As I continued on my way I saw more clouds like that. Just what has been going on in our skies? Gone are the days when I was little and the skies where this brilliant shade of blue. It was cheerful to look up in the morning an notice how the beautiful sun played off the clouds to give such a sight. But now I look up to the sky and view the strangest cloud formations. They don’t look natural. It’s not just that. There are strange things going on all over the world on a unprecedented scale. I am not one to fall for conspiracy theories. But I have to admit they can be convincing at times based on facts that we have already experience. Like the homeless disappearing or being put in fema camps. I am not going to get into all that I know about some of this stuff but you have to admit that the world is changing. I am sure there are hidden things that the government does not want us to know. The weather has been devastating to so many people around the world. Earthquakes, mudslides, holes opening in the ground and swallowing up half a town. Hurricanes have increased in their devastation. No one knows just what is going to happen next. Oh and lets not forget the trigger happy guy in North Korea.
Yes this was the kind of day that I had. I was stressing about my own personal issues and then I brought the whole world into it. Because I care.
I guess the best that we can do for now is wake up in the morning and pray to God to thank him for another beautiful day despite it all. The world is in such a mess but God will soon step in and stop the suffering. That’s something important to hold onto.